Going to UCLA basketball games this season has been a lot like
driving by a serious car wreck on the highway. You know it’s
going to be ugly, you know there are going to be casualties, but
you can’t force yourself not to look.
But for those of you who are so deranged that you actually tape
the games to revel in the misery later, I’ve got you covered
too. I kept a running diary of Saturday’s UCLA-Oregon State
showdown, so you can relive every excruciating moment as the Bruins
dropped to ninth place in the Pac-10.
Here’s what transpired:
7:24 p.m.: Welcome to Pauley Pavilion, the Sistine Chapel of
college hoops. Sadly, that’s an apt description: not even a
prayer group is as subdued as tonight’s crowd.
7:28: The lineups have been announced, and someone named Floyd
North III is starting at small forward for Oregon State. Anyone
named Floyd North III ought to spend his life behind a desk at
Charles Schwab.
7:29: On the UCLA side, gasp, Dijon Thompson is (finally)
starting, as is freshman Ryan Hollins, who is fresh off an
11-point, seven-block performance against Oregon on Thursday. Maybe
things will be different tonight.
7:38: Maybe not. Hollins leaves the game after picking up his
second foul, less than two minutes into the game, and will not
return until the second half. Meanwhile, UCLA trails 12-11 at the
first television time-out.
7:46: The glare from atop the bald spot of Oregon State coach
Jay John is reminiscent of staring at a solar eclipse. Unless
someone gets the man a hat, half the student section may need
prescription sunglasses by halftime.
7:51: The PA announcer tells us that tickets are still on sale
for the Pac-10 Tournament at Staples Center in March. With UCLA
trailing OSU by three, it looks like the only way the Bruins will
attend is if they buy tickets themselves.
7:58: Ray Young buries a short jumper, assist by T.J. Cummings.
Will wonders never cease?
8:04: The left side of the pyramid collapses during a UCLA
cheerleading routine. If that’s not a metaphor for the
basketball season, I don’t know what is.
8:10: With the Bruins trailing 35-32, into the game comes Josiah
Johnson, who has refused to talk to the press all week. I’m
not kidding. The Josiah Johnson media ban is one of those
remarkably absurd sporting moments like Derek Bell’s
“Operation Shutdown” or a Mike Tyson press
conference.
8:23: The Bruins close the half on an 11-2 run, and leave the
court to cheers instead of the customary chorus of boos. Meanwhile,
the halftime shooting competition features a man named Brent
Chinchilla who hits a layup, a free throw and a three-pointer in
succession. I bet there isn’t a person in the entire arena
that wouldn’t give him Ray Young’s roster spot right
now.
8:29: In the most transparent pick-up attempt of the evening,
the leader of the yell crew hands the free watch not to the loudest
fan ““ but to the cutest blonde. Good luck man. You have about
as much of a chance with her as Steve Lavin has of coaching LeBron
James.
8:47: The second half is underway, but apparently, someone
forgot to tell the Bruins. Oregon State builds up a double-digit
lead behind the play of senior Phillip Ricci, who, incidentally, is
a dead ringer for former professional wrestler Andre the Giant.
I’m half expecting him to hit Cummings in the head with a
folding chair, and then choke-slam Michael Fey at midcourt.
There’s been far too much Smackdown in my life lately.
8:55: A guy in front of me says that it’s Hollins’
turn to “make a play” less than three seconds before he
drives to the basket, draws a foul, and lays the ball in the hoop.
I’m considering asking this guy for lottery numbers.
8:56: Hollins blows the free throw. Never mind.
9:18: After Oregon State had built a 12-point lead, the Bruins
come racing back to pull to within two points at 77-75 with two
minutes to play. The crowd is in a frenzy. Captain Helmet is
hyperventilating. Three sorority girls are on their cell phones. Is
there still hope?
9:29: Sadly no. Pony-tailed OSU guard Jimmie Haywood gets hot
down the stretch, and the Beavers hold on to win their fourth in a
row, 83-79. UCLA is now an appalling 2-9 at Pauley Pavilion on the
season, and even a berth in the Pac-10 tournament appears bleak.
I’m guessing the alumni who paid $10,000 to sit courtside all
season are feeling pretty foolish right about now.
9:31: As the crowd files out of the arena, I can actually hear
the sound of running water, as this team circles down the drain. I
suppose I can cancel my order for a postseason yearbook now.