In my never-ending quest to set the UCLA population straight
about personal and sexual matters, I realize that I’ve been
ignoring a very important factor in the fornication equation: the
penis. And I’d like to qualm some fears that guys may have
about their equipment. Trust me guys, I’m here to tell you:
bigger is not necessarily better. And honestly, I really
don’t understand what the big deal is anyway. It’s not
like we girls stand around looking at ourselves in the shower
wishing our vaginas were bigger. As long as it works when it
counts, who cares?
I’ve read that the biggest penis ever on record was
thirteen inches. Thirteen inches? That’s not a cack,
that’s a broomstick! If ever a guy whipped out thirteen
inches of meat on me, I’d take one look and say “Oh,
hell no!” That’s not sex, that’s an abdominal
probe. I mean, the reason women fear going to the gynecologist is
because they don’t want to spread their legs for something
that’s going to be bumping up against their cervix.
Scientifically speaking, most of the nerve endings in a
woman’s vaginal canal are concentrated in the first few
inches, so there’s not even going to be much of a difference
in feeling if you happen to be one or two inches longer than her
previous partner (so, hey, if you’re hung like a tuna can,
you’re set!).
I’ve come to the conclusion that men’s anxiety over
penis size is actually just a well-publicized symptom of a more
deeply rooted fear over his ability (or inability) to please his
partner. Let’s think about this logically here. What are the
three most important things in a man’s life? Sex, sports, and
beer, right? (Not necessarily always in that order, but I think
it’s safe to say that sex is always most important.) Now, I
would think that having something dangling between your legs would
only get in the way during sports. And, as far as I know, having a
penis doesn’t really aid with the production, storage, or
consumption of beer.
So the penis is really only good when used for sex (well, OK,
and taking a whiz, but I can’t imagine that size would really
be a factor in that process either, unless you really like to get a
good grip on things while you’re at the urinal). Now,
I’m pretty sure that, for a guy, an orgasm is an orgasm no
matter how big or small you are. I can’t imagine that the
size of your organ would have any effect on your own personal
pleasure. Therefore, the only reason a guy would really want a
bigger penis is to give pleasure to his sexual partner. But you
know what? Girls don’t care! Now, I can’t speak for the
gay population; in fact, I’d like to invite you boys who like
boys to share with me your opinions on the matter.
In my conversations with my girlfriends, however, (and yes,
guys, your worst fears are true ““ we discuss your penises in
detail. Sorry!), the general consensus seems to be that size just
ain’t a thing. Girls care about getting off; and trust me, if
you show me a girl who gets an orgasm every time she has sex with
her man, I’ll show you a girl who doesn’t give a
rat’s ass about how big he is.
Now, tongue size is an entirely different matter ““ why do
you think Gene Simmons got so many chicks, despite the fact that
he’s hideously ugly? Or Mick Jagger, for that matter? Steven
Tyler? None of them are good-looking men, but they sure like
sticking out their tongues. And that, not the music, not the tight
pants, not the copious amounts of alcohol consumed onstage, is what
makes the little girls stand up and cheer.