This year’s Pac-10 season is a badly organized food chain.
Take a look at the current standings, and you’ll see Wildcats
and Bears at the top, which doesn’t seem all too odd until
you notice Cougars and Bruins near the bottom. Aren’t
Cougars, by their very nature, Wildcats? And you’d figure
that a Bruin, even though it is technically a baby bear, could
manage to eat a Duck or Beaver here or there.
I have no idea how Trojans or Sun Devils figure into things
either. Historical oddities and creatures of folklore don’t
seem to fit in well in any kind of web of life, so forgive me for
not including them. Besides, if they played according to the power
of their mascot, then Arizona State and USC would be perennial
powerhouses, and we just can’t have that.
But back to my food chain motif. Let’s take a look at
who’s underachieving and overachieving, based on my opinions
of their mascot.
The Hunters
As I mentioned earlier, the Arizona Wildcats are terrorizing the
Pac-10 wilderness. Hikers are encouraged to stay on the beaten
path, and leave the trail mix behind (you only eat the
M&M’s anyway).
They’re No. 1 in both polls, and recently outscored the
Kansas Jayhawks 67-30 over the game’s final 26 minutes
““ on the road. Salim Stoudamire alone had 20 points in the
second half.
Coach Roy Williams should know a few things about cats, since
his teams usually play like (another name for a cat that rhymes
with wussies) in the NCAA tournament. I’m willing to bet
coach Williams is a dog person.
The Bears are hanging around with the Wildcats, and between the
two of them share dominance of the forest. Cal certainly showed the
Bruins who their daddy was on Saturday, and it’s looking like
the Bears are going to … well … do what bears do in the woods
all over the Trees of Stanford.
On Saturday, the Bears travel to the desert to take on the
Wildcats. There’s probably going to be a lot of growling,
groping, clawing, and biting ““ and that’s just what
happens at an Arizona frat party. Could be a good game, too.
The Survivors
Like the trees they represent, Stanford is quietly hanging
around. Occasionally they’ll have a branch or two chopped
off, such as when they lose at home to the likes of Montana and
Richmond. However, they did upset Florida and Xavier earlier in the
year.
Also, the Ducks are within quacking distance of third or maybe
even second place, but they’ll have to do it the hard way:
Luke Jackson is out with an injury for a few games. Can the Ducks
waddle their way to victory over the miserable baby Bruins?
If the laws of the nature were upheld, then UCLA would certainly
enjoy a gourmet meal complete with foi gras (only the French would
ever consider removing a duck’s liver and grilling it), but I
think we all know that the Bruins have a way of defying nature.
Just look at Steve Lavin’s hairdo.
The Prey
The bottom feeders of the conference are actually some pretty
fierce animals: the Cougars, the Huskies, the Bruins, and the
Beavers. Well, maybe not beavers. Although, of those four teams,
the furry dam-builders are actually the highest in the
standings.
The Bruins, being baby Bears, have played exactly as their
namesake would indicate: like children. Not just children, but
spoiled Bel Air kids that just had the silver spoon plucked from
their petulant little mouths.
For the rest of the year, these four teams will have to settle
on eating and beating each other, for nothing other than pride. It
may seem cruel, but the great outdoors is a harsh environment.
Colin hates hiking, but loves trail mix. E-mail him if you
actually eat the nuts and raisins at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu