Dear Guerrero,
I am writing to ask you to consider terminating the basketball
contract of a certain member of our esteemed university. This
“colleague” has, for the past several years, performed
far below its natural ability. Frankly, I am not one hundred
percent sure what can be done to alleviate this situation, but
allow me to make note of a few things that irk me.
Firstly, the physical presence of this affiliate is seriously
lacking.
Rather than being right up in your face, intense as hell, and
playing a major factor in basketball games, this certain member is
the model of apathy. When not subdued by poor play, this mutual
partner of ours seems to do everything possible to discourage the
basketball team from winning ball games.
Secondly, I have a major issue with the dress code our colleague
chooses for each game. At the risk of sounding too much like the
editor of In Style magazine, there is no unity to our
subject’s clothes.
Watching a UCLA basketball game is a designer’s worst
nightmare.
Incongruous colors are about as common as Raider penalties.
Finally, the overall exasperation on display in Pauley Pavilion
is disheartening. Our colleague’s arms are raised in
exasperation more often than they are raised after a big
three-pointer. When did this negative attitude develop and why have
you not done something to get rid of it?
The “colleague” I speak of is the UCLA student
section at Pauley Pavilion, but I guess you can’t really fire
a group that isn’t under contract, can you?
If you were waiting for another Lavin-bashing column, you can go
ahead and toss this one in the circular file. You see, I like Coach
Lavin and see no reason to call for his head after he has one
sub-par year. Besides, if I have to read one more article about why
we should fire Lavin, I would probably apply for the job myself.
But we already know about my coaching history.
That’s right, our student section is a major problem. To
be honest, it flat out sucks. I know you make thousands of dollars
a year by selling those courtside seats, but when was the last time
a rich alumnus told Luke Walton he couldn’t hold his
father’s jock?
Don’t blame the sports fans, they would gladly sit
courtside if you would let them. There is no excuse for the
physical presence of our cheering section to have such little
impact on the game. For the love of Wooden, put the students on the
floor like every other major college cheering section! And
don’t stick us in the corner of Pauley where we can’t
be seen. Put us front-and-center, close enough to possibly trip the
refs when they blow one. The student section can play a major role
in the basketball game, as long as we are relocated closer to the
court.
I don’t want you to feel like I am placing all the blame
on you as our athletic director, because the boo-birds who are
scattered among the loyal fans are hurting us just as much as the
location.
To address the second issue, let’s talk about the apparel
of choice for our students. There is no reason we should not all be
given T-shirts of the same color. Think about it: if you only sell
one of those courtside seats, you can afford to give each student a
blue and gold T-shirt (baby Ts for the ladies) that would promote
unity. There is some solidarity, and for that you should thank the
faithful fans who camp out for games against teams like Northern
Arizona, stay the entire game, and wear matching outfits, replete
with headbands. The rest of the students need to get in on that
action.
The final issue is probably most important. You can claim apathy
is caused by a team’s poor performance, but then how do you
explain the phenomena of Cubs and Bills’ fans? Those teams
have had such terrible histories that the argument of poor
performance breeding poor fans is taboo. If you want to fall victim
to the lovable loser syndrome, keep the students up in the rafters,
off the floor, and out of sync.
We need a change, and it does not start with Lavin.
Sincerely,
Eli Karon