I was sitting at Spaulding field watching the football team
practice when a couple of sweaty Balls walked toward me ““
twin defensive ends and sack specialists Dave and Mat Ball.
To be honest with you, sports fans, it’s very easy to
incorporate their last name into perverse sentences. However, each
of the Ball brothers is about a foot taller and 120 pounds heavier
than I am, so without further ado, here is this week’s
column, straight from the Balls.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Eli Karon: So you guys are from Dixon, Calif. What do you do up
there?
Dave Ball: We sit around.
EK: Play football?
DB: Uh, no, pretty much just sit around.
EK: Oooo-K. Give me one sentence on the following person: Warren
Sapp.
DB: He’s just a badass. He talks the talk and he walks the
walk. That’s actually two sentences.
Mat Ball: Basically in a nutshell, the guy’s a f-cking
badass. He’s just an unstoppable force that you try to reckon
with.
EK: Who would you least like to meet in a dark alley: Mr. T or
The Revolting Blob?
DB: Probably The Revolting Blob.
EK: Why?
DB: Well, Mr. T is not that revolting. I’m sure The Blob
would suck you in, and I’m a little claustrophobic. I
don’t like to be inside a blob-like force.
EK: Who would win in a fight? Dave or Mat?
MB: Well, they’d have to break it up, or else one of us
would lose limbs.
EK: I hear you guys are pranksters. Who are the best
victims?
DB: The offensive line is pretty good to pull pranks on. The
O-line is just a breed off, they’re in a league of their own.
It’s like five Homer Simpsons out there, you know? (laughs)
It’s going to be hell when they read that …
EK: You’re coaching a Bowl game on Jan. 1, and your team
scores a touchdown with seconds left to go down by one. Go for the
tie and overtime or go for the win?
DB: Overtime
MB: Overtime. Two points isn’t guaranteed you know. Just
because we have reputations as crazy guys doesn’t mean
we’re stupid.
EK: Favorite food?
DB: I’d say fast food.
MB: Being a college student I would say anytime you go home
it’s good. The most you can scrounge up here is Eggos and
cereal. Mostly Eggos though.
EK: What’s the grossest thing you have ever eaten?
DB: I try to stay away from gross things, things that might make
me gag or vomit.
DB: I would say we’re pretty picky eaters, you know?
EK: So you stick to fast food?
DB: Exactly! We’re a couple of huge lardasses.
MB: I don’t know, I’m sure I’ve eaten a lot of
bugs in my life, I just don’t know about it.
EK: Give me your thoughts on steroids in college sports.
DB: It’s extremely risky. If guys want to do it, then they
risk their health or getting kicked out.
MB: They can do what they want, you know? It’s their
life.
EK: If you were to get a tattoo what would it be and where would
you get it?
DB: Probably a huge serpent on my face. A huge serpent.
MB: If I would I would probably have a huge pink candy stripe
circling my body.
EK: Why don’t you two already have tattoos?
DB: I feel like if I wanted to get a tattoo that I would have
for the rest of my life I would want it to be a super badass
tattoo.
EK: Like a pink candy stripe?
DB: Exactly! A pink candy stripe is almost what I’d pick
but my brother already picked it.
EK: If you got into a bar fight, who is the one person you would
want on your side?
DB: Rodney Leisle.
MB: That’s all you would need.
DB: You would push guys into him and he would literally punch
their faces off.
MB: Rodney is the god of bar fights, the god of physicality, the
god of intimidation.
DB: In fact, we praise his name every night before we go to bed
just to keep us safe.
Dave Ball led the Bruins in sacks. Coincidence? I think not.
E-mail Karon at ekaron@media.ucla.