So, I went and saw me a Lakers game Sunday night.
My $175 ticket was a gift from a friend, and I sat in seat 18,
row nine, section 119. Man, was that a great seat. I could see
everything from it.
Three rows in front of me sat Keanu Reeves, looking dashing and
debonair in a dark suit. Next to him sat Sugar Ray singer Mark
McGrath, hiding under a foam mesh hat, working the “I am
trash” look. Across the court sat Eddie Murphy and some guy I
think is in Run-DMC. Those guys looked like they were having fun
too.
Finally, sitting courtside was rock-and-roll’s
newest/hottest couple, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. To be
honest, I don’t think Rossdale knew where he was or what he
was watching, but he sure looked pleased when his wife spoke to
him. They were SUPER CUTE and when they were shown on the
arena’s video screens, everyone cheered! So loudly!
At halftime, I joined my buddy outside on a crowded third-level
veranda designated for smoking. While my friend smoked his
Parliaments, I looked into the carcinogen-enhanced sky ““ a
foggy mixture of smoke and ambient green light (courtesy of the
Staples Center’s garish lighting), and realized that this
arena was the stupidest thing in the world.
Do you know what is the most nuts thing about the Staples
Center? It’s a mall. Need a cell phone? Staples Center has
got phones. Need a bunch of ugly clothes? Check.
Need a coffee table or a perm?
Just kidding.
What’s the deal with the Staples Center management’s
insistence on not dimming the house lights when the basketball game
is in progress? In my day, the Forum’s lights were dimmed
during play, but the Staples Center is lit up like a Christmas
tree. With the lights shining bright, the advertisements become a
main focus ““ the Budweiser signs were bigger than Kobe
Bryant’s late game free-throw attempts.
The fact is, the Staples Center is a giant advertisement for
beer, fast food, staples, and above all, celebrity. During a
timeout, the Lakers girls (all very talented dancers, and
sweethearts, I might add) did a routine wearing black shirts
emblazoned with the command “buyTV” across their
chests.
Even the Laker girls’ chests are advertisements.
At least we know people will be looking there.
During the second half of play, I treated myself to a
four-dollar ice cream. It was worth every penny.
The Staples Center is a bastion of sizzlin’ ladies ““
all dressed in the latest haute couture. For example, I saw one
girl who was wearing a Chanel beanie.
A trip to the Staples Center is like going to Neiman Marcus on a
Saturday afternoon and even more so the closer you sit to the
court. See, as far as seating is concerned, it’s a
superficial social hierarchy. The super ultra rich dudes sit in the
billion-dollar seats on the floor, the ultra rich guys sit in the
million-dollar a seat first section, and so on. Pretty much, you
have to be affluent to get a decent seat.
That makes a lot of sense.
The fans that actually care about the team are stuck up in the
nosebleed seats, which ironically made the third level of seating
the most full on Sunday night. The whole scenario reminds me of the
historic meeting of the three estates in France at Versailles
before the French Revolution, when the First and Second Estates
(clergy and nobles) got great seats for the meeting, while the
Third Estate (the largest of the three, made up of commoners) had
to sit ridiculously far away from the proceedings and use
binoculars and mini-radios to determine what was going on in the
meeting.
We all know what happens when the commoners don’t get a
good view of the action.
By the way, all those celebrities left the game early, except
for McGrath and Reeves who are true blue fans. McGrath even yelled
a lot when the game got exciting.
Oh yes, and the Lakers lost a heartbreaker. It was a great game,
I think.