The 549th sign of the apocalypse of good mainstream music: no
embarrassing (five years later) fashion trend.
This is pathetic.
While we may spend our time forgetting these sometimes
regrettable fashion statements, there’s no denying that at
one moment in history, guys who were wearing tight pants with
flared legs represented the heart of a musical revolution. OK, so
not everyone is going to recognize the Bee Gees as the great
songwriters they are, but let’s look at the facts.
Beatlemania: Mop-top haircuts, cheesy leisure suits. The early
look didn’t last forever, but it got a generation thinking
(or at least holding hands).
Hip-hop: It started out with jumpsuits and tennies; now
you’re sagging your pants and wearing big necklaces, and
you’ve got FUBU on your back. Sure it’s evolved, but
it’s all part of the same thing ““ this does not count
as a new style now.
Disco: Sparkles, roller skates, white suits and chest hair, and
even the eponymous disco ball ““ that’s right,
’70s pop music was disco baby, disco.
Country: Who doesn’t feel a little more authentic
listening to Hank Williams while wearing boots, a buckle and a
10-gallon hat?
Psychedelia: In the late ’60s it became cool to look like
a wandering gypsy. Sure, no one looked good doing it besides Jimi
Hendrix, but hey, they were all too stoned to notice.
Rave: Pacifiers, glow sticks and anything soft enough to feel
good on ecstasy. Let the breakbeats roll.
Grunge: Revenge of the lumberjack ““ flannel here, flannel
there, that’s right, flannel everywhere.
There you have a slice of the most obvious examples of music
proving its influence over the community through dress. The great
thing is that each of these movements is, in its own way, a viable
form of pop music. Look around you now. There aren’t droves
of people wearing polyester hats because that’s what
everybody’s favorite band is doing. There is no favorite
band.
Not only does mainstream music suck right now, but no
one’s even trying anymore. Even in the shameful late
’80s when hair metal was the biggest thing on the planet,
music had a visible stylistic influence on American culture. Men
with feathered hair and a poseur cock-rock sound may not be ideal,
but at least it’s something.
There is no contender for a biggest band in the world right now,
or a particular style that’s taking over, period. So
I’m going to take you into a different dimension to see what
it would be like if some of the hot bands now had their stylistic
way.
Don’t believe them, but “respected”
publications like Rolling Stone and the L.A. Times will try to tell
you we’re in the midst of a garage rock revival. This is a
lie, but the bands they think will save rock ‘n’ roll
are prime examples why we have no mainstream saviors.
The White Stripes: These two kids have their own style, the
candy cane. Uninspired, but kind of funny could work as an actual
style if their music was at all original. It is not.
The Strokes: Ripping off past movement’s styles
doesn’t count as a style. No points. Also, the music, while
fun, is too disposable to matter.
The Hives: Ah, the most promising of this bunch. Some
three-chord rockin’ Swedes. The dreamy lead singer wears
T-shirts with his own name on them onstage. This is pretty cool.
Too cool in fact for the rest of us to get away with (remember the
MC Hammer baggy pants? Yeah, you thought you could pull that look
off too).
Let’s look at some other options.
Eminem: Spits venomous rhymes, has badass flow for a white boy
or anyone for that matter, and also has a bland-as-bland-can-be
hip-hop wardrobe.
U2: Some people would like to see these guys return to their
peak. Personally, one Bono running around pretending to be the
messiah is enough for me.
Radiohead: Sure, when you look at quality and sales, these guys
are our best bet, but dress code? It ain’t happening, just
some boring-looking Brits.
Justin Timberlake: Pop music quality ““ low. Originality
““ none. Style ““ no unified motif people can hang onto.
Fail.
Dave Matthews Band: A good songwriter whose band makes all of
his songs sound the same isn’t going to be the leader of the
new world. Plus, style points are particularly low for this
slacker-looking singer.
Well, there you have it folks. There is no great hope, and
frankly I’m a little bored still having to revert back to
James Dean for all my style tips.
Bromberg’s column runs on Thursdays, but will run on
Tuesday next week, because of Thanksgiving.