Orson Wells can kiss his Rosebud.
Francis Ford Coppolla and Oliver Stone are great directors,
sure, but can they make you laugh so hard that boogers come flying
out of your nose? I didn’t think so.
Only one movie ever caused me to fall into such an
uncontrollable fit of laughter: the Farrelly brothers’
classic “Dumb and Dumber.”
I’ve watched this movie more times than I’d care to
publicly admit, and perhaps the greatest thing about “Dumb
and Dumber” is that you find something new each time you view
it. Most recently, I’ve discovered that the entire film is a
conceit (that’s a literary term for “˜extended
metaphor,’ not what you call Trojan sorority girls) for this
year’s rivalry game. Read on, and you’ll see what
I’m talking about.
“So, what do you think of our chances?”
“Not good.”
“Like one in a hundred not good?”
“More like one in a million.”
“(Pause.) So you’re saying there’s a
CHANCE!”
My bookie says UCLA is a 3 1/2 point underdog, but I think
he’s just trying to con me. The Trojans have a Heisman
candidate quarterback and the best defense in the Pac-10. I’m
not going to say that UCLA is chopped liver, but there’s
little doubt as to who the favorite is in this game.
I will go out on a limb here: the Bruins will do better than
last year’s miserable performance. One field goal would be
better than last year. One freaking first down would be better.
Let’s just move on, I’m starting to get angry
already.
“Man, some guys get all the luck.”
Speaking of things that make me angry, why is it that UCLA has
the worst luck in the conference? If Cory Paus didn’t break
his ankle at Cal, and if Chris Griffith made a field goal against
Oregon, the Bruins would be 9-1. Something tells me that
UCLA’s luck is going to catch up to them at some point.
By the way, the scene that produced this line still makes my
skin crawl: Harry (Jeff Daniels) and Lloyd (Jim Carrey) actually
turn down an offer to oil up bikini-clad women for a swimsuit
contest. Great googly moogly, get on that bus!
“You’ll have to excuse my friend. He’s a
little slow.”
I know you want this to be the Bob Toledo joke, but it
isn’t.
This one goes to Carson Palmer. Until this year, the guy had a
Cory Paus-like (read: migraine-inducing inconsistency) career, but
he’s finally making something of himself. It took a little
while, but he’s now having the kind of season that makes it
hard for me to keep myself from vomiting in my mouth. You just
couldn’t be a complete flop, could you Carson? Thanks a lot
buddy. I better go find some Listerine.
“Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the
world?”
Aside from the noise Jim Carrey makes after he asks that
question, what else could be more abrasive to the ears than
Southern Cal’s fight song? I hate to confuse movie lines, but
remember in “Major League”, when the evil female owner
groans, “I hate that f-ing song” as the Wild Thing
(Charlie Sheen) comes in to close the game for the rag-tag
Indians?
Yeah, that’s the way I feel about it.
“Whoever they are, they’re good. Very
good.”
Tyler Ebell was a fourth-string back, and now he’s
breaking rushing records. The guy is short, but he’s quick
and elusive.
It’s like trying to tackle your little brother after you
pour a gallon of gasoline on him and try to light him on fire.
He’s had, what, six straight hundred yard rushing games?
He’s only a freshman too, with, as Hubie Brown would say,
tremendous upside.
Stay away from open flames, Tyler. Please.
“Sometimes, when I think you couldn’t POSSIBLY get
any stupider, you do something like this … and TOTALLY REDEEM
YOURSELF!”
And finally, the Bob Toledo section. Disclaimer: only applies if
UCLA wins. Which, if they do, I’m pretty sure will cause a
repeat of the Flying Snot Incident. Be prepared, Bruin fans, and
carry some Kleenex with you at all times. You never know if
I’ll be sitting behind you.
Each of this week’s sports columns will
celebrate Beat ‘SC Week.