I am sick and tired of hearing USC fans talk about their three
straight victories over UCLA, just like I am sick and tired of
hearing Dick Vitale after only one game of his obnoxious
commentary.
Being a Bruin supporter has not been easy over the past few
years, sports fans. That’s why it is time to sack up and make
some sacrifices. We will not be embarrassed again.
Take one for the team. Think about what you would rather do
than lose to ‘SC, and offer it up to the football
gods. How bad do you want it?
I would rather have a root canal.
I would rather be buried under a pile of sweaty, dirty UCLA
jerseys after a cold and rainy game against Washington State in
Pullman, Wash.
I would rather live in Pullman.
I would rather attend UC Berkeley than see USC walk away with
the Victory Bell. And you all know how I feel about Berkeley.
I would rather watch MTV’s Sorority Life marathon. Twice.
Sober.
I would rather have my coaching job back.
I would rather eat Panda Express and Puzzles at every single
meal for a month straight.
I would rather drive to LAX at 5:30 p.m. on the Friday of a
holiday weekend than see a Trojan victory over the Bruins.
I would rather try to register for Sociology 1 after missing my
first and second passes.
I would rather look, act and write like the Stat Geek.
I would rather be banned from Buck Fiddy for life.
I would rather see a baseball game end in a tie.
I would rather go from Hedrick Hall to Life Sciences in the
pouring rain, sit through a math lecture from a teacher who should
be enrolled in ESL, trudge all the way back to Rieber Hall before
realizing I forgot my raincoat, return to Life Sciences, discover
the raincoat has been stolen before arriving home again in the
pouring rain just after the Hedrick dining hall closed on corn dog
night.
I would rather watch the WNBA than lose to USC.Â
No, no I wouldn’t. But you can imagine what it would be
like if I would, huh? Huh?
Enough about me: I knew you die-hards were out there, and I knew
you would be willing to sacrifice quite a bit for a Bruin
victory. With that in mind, I hit the streets.
Dilon Jacobs, a third-year political science student, would
rather have the Giants win the World Series. He would rather
live in Canada.
One fan, who goes by the name “Big Dizzle,” gave the
following potential sacrifices:Â “I would rather have a
tapeworm. I would rather walk back and forth up Bruin Walk
receiving eleventy billion handouts than lose to ‘SC
again.”
A student speaking on condition of anonymity offered the
following sacrifice: “I would rather not be quoted than lose
to USC.”
Avid amateur golfer and staple on the winter outdoorsman tour
Jason “Frosty” Gaulton said: “I would rather not
golf for a week. I would rather someone staple my scalp to my
skull.”
My research proved that the more I asked, the more intense,
creative and nauseating the sacrifices became.
“I would rather comb my brain with a rake or use your
toothbrush,” Dylan Loewe, a second-year political science
student, said.
There are plenty more sacrifices that loyal fans were willing to
make, but my editors would not let me print them. Most of them
involved public toilet water and sexual acts, though not at the
same time.
So wrestle Dave Ball, try to tackle Tyler Ebell, have a dunk
contest with T.J. Cummings. Sacrifice something, anything, to help
ensure a Bruin victory.
Hey, it would be worth it. How bad do you want it, sports
fans?
Each of this week’s sports columns will celebrate Beat
‘SC Week.