Charlie Sheen once quipped that he didn’t pay hookers to
have sex with him. He paid them to leave.
Sheen hated “gold-digging” women, who dated him
simply for the money and self-glorification.
In a way, sports analysts are a lot like his
“girlfriends:” You love them for a while, but
eventually, you just want them to go away.
They’re usually ex-jocks or former coaches, and their job
is to fill in the blanks for us poor listeners. Personally, I
believe they are indispensable. For without them, we as lay people
could not possibly comprehend the intricacies of the game.
Many times I find myself hopelessly lost while watching sporting
events, and I rely on my friendly analyst to help show me the way.
They tell me what to look for, who’s playing well and who is
not, why a certain play unfolds as it does, and, usually, what they
would have done instead. For the icing on the cake, these wondrous
sources of sports knowledge almost always have their signature word
or phrase designed to make us laugh.
“There, there,” they seem to say. “It’s
alright if you don’t understand what’s going. I’m
here for you. Behold my catch phrase, and marvel at my
greatness!”
Where would a game of professional football be if it were not
for John Madden? Not only does the man make a fantastic video game,
but he also passes onto us mere mortals incredible little nuggets
of his greatness.
During one particular football contest, Dallas Cowboys
quarterback Troy Aikman lost a contact lens. I wasn’t sure
what kind of implications this would have on the game, but luckily
Madden was there.
The analysis went something like this:
“Now here’s a guy who, when he puts his contact
lenses on, can see better. Without his contact lenses he
won’t be able to see as well, and maybe he won’t be
able to hit his receivers on time.”
Thank you, John. That’s exactly what I needed.
Later on Madden said “Boom!” and “Pow!”
every time one player had a particularly vicious tackle on another.
I was amused and informed; what else could a person possibly desire
while watching a game?
College basketball has its own version of John Madden in the
form of Dick Vitale. Before games, he will actually predict the
winner, and then, he’ll qualify his opinion with some of the
most profound insight you’ll ever hear escape the lips of
such a mental colossus.
How many times have you heard this pregame ritual:
“This is going to be a tight race, but the team that has
the fewest turnovers and that can get out and get easy baskets is
going to win this game. It’s going to be one amazing ride,
baby!”
Check the box scores after the game, and you’ll find out
that Dicky V. is incredibly accurate in his predictions. The team
with the fewest turnovers and most fast-break opportunities do
indeed win the majority of their games.
Amazing.
Not only are his forays into mental telepathy dead-on accurate,
he also gets me pumped up to watch games.
“Wow, baby, this game is going to be great! Incredible
baby! Can you feel the energy in here? I’m telling you
there’s no place like it in all of college basketball.
We’re in heaven baby! Yeah baby! I just said baby 10 times in
30 seconds ““ wow I did it again!”
And when the broadcast is over and it’s time for everyone
to retire, CBS or ABC or ESPN hand over the cash with a sheepish
look in their eyes. Meanwhile, Madden or Vitale grab the money and
rush out the door, eager to find the next network willing to pay
for their services. Better than having them stick around though, eh
Charlie?
I dare not imagine a world without great analysts such as these.
The complete reverse, however, is a definite possibility: A world
full of analysts.
After much debate, controversy and compromise, these pinnacles
of sports success would be able to tell the viewer who won, why and
how. You wouldn’t even need to watch the games at all. In
fact, they probably wouldn’t even play the games.
One day, this utopian vision will come to pass, and when that
glorious day arrives, we can all cheer the likes of Madden and
Vitale and thank them ““ on hand and foot ““ for their
contribution to the world of sports.