There is no Surgeon General’s Warning on the box of EA
Sports’ NCAA Football 2003 video game for the Playstation 2,
but there should be.
Joe Lieberman isn’t flipping out in Congress about this
game, but he ought to be up in arms.
They should just rename the game NCAA Football 2003: There Goes
the Bathing and Social Life.
I had played the game with my roommates at beginning of the
school year, but when I realized video games wouldn’t pay my
way through nursing school, I had to kick the habit.
But the roomies, sophomores Alex Brizolis and Adam Hirsch, have
kept the flame alive. Over the past few weeks I have seen their
abilities develop, and a rivalry form that is rich in pageantry and
tradition.
Brizolis and Hirsch are currently managing UCLA dynasties
““ recruiting high school athletes, and developing them into
stars. Last week I walked in on Hirsch hunched over a notepad,
keeping track of his new recruits.
Brizolis initially played the game more than Hirsch and boasts a
19-6 record against his best friend, who is 45-25 overall.
Neither competitor skimps on the trash-talking when describing
his opponent.
“Alex is a really cheap player,” Hirsch said.
“When I first started playing, he didn’t teach me all
the rules. He runs plays he knows realistically won’t work,
but I can’t defend him because it’s a video game. If he
loses, he makes sure we don’t save it (to a memory card), but
if he wins, he makes me save it because he says it’s his TV
and game. Once he even threw a controller at me.”
The players agreed to an exhibition match so that I could
observe their abilities, and as game time approached, Brizolis also
weighed in on his opponent.
“Hirsch thinks the game has a personal vendetta against
him, because he’ll get a penalty you can’t control, and
he’ll say, “˜Dude what am I doing wrong, how can I get
so many penalties?’ And I say, “˜I don’t know man,
it’s just the game, it’s random,'” Brizolis
said. “He’s more concerned with the stats of his
players than actually winning the game or having fun. He plays a
season only to recruit ““ not for the glory of the national
championship.”
Brizolis predicted a 15-point victory over his roommate, and
then the two settled down to battle it out. Hirsch initially
suggested that Brizolis play as USC, a suggestion that enraged
Brizolis. It was decided that neither player could use UCLA, and
that the quarters would be four minutes long.
“I definitely feel a special joy when I play as
UCLA,” Hirsch said. “I know who all the players are
supposed to be. It’s a little weird to play as a guy I see at
Puzzles in the morning.”
Using the random team selector, Hirsch settled on No. 8
Colorado, which is ranked as a B+ team in the game.
After exclaiming that he thought it would be a more competitive
game if he played as a worse team than his rival, Brizolis stuck
with his random selection of No. 18 Penn State, a B team.
It was raining as the game began, and Colorado kicked off to
Penn State. Hirsch let out a howl of joy after the Buffaloes sacked
the Nittany Lions on their opening play, but on Penn State’s
fourth down punt, Colorado was called for roughing the kicker,
giving Penn State a first down.
“There are penalties against me that I can’t
control,” Hirsch said. “Too bad you (Brizolis)
can’t get a (expletive) yard on me without the (expletive)
refs.”
On a serious note, with three minutes remaining in the third
quarter, Penn State fullback No. 42 was injured with a PCL sprain
and will be out for four weeks.
Our thoughts and prayers are with No. 42.
At this point, Brizolis expressed great concern for his
fullback, and the following exchange occurred.
“You take this too seriously,” Hirsch said.
“Shut up,” Brizolis countered.
“No, you shut up,” Hirsch screamed.
“Shut up,” Brizolis said.
In-game commentary by Lee Corso is possibly one of the most
annoying features of any video game ever. The obnoxious announcer
should be taken out back and beat with a stick for uttering phrases
like, “Yo, don’t do anything silly, you got this one in
the bag, if you take one knee here.”
Lee, don’t say “yo.”
Hirsch scored with four minutes left in the fourth quarter;
however, despite his efforts at a comeback, Colorado lost,
30-19.
As Brizolis and Hirsch did some post-game stretching, I asked
Brizolis if, at the end of the day, he would ever let the video
game ruin his friendship with Adam.
After a slight pause, he said no.
Did Brizolis have to think about that, I asked him?
Yes, he did.