Sometimes you encounter sports personalities that make you stop
and wonder, “What the Hell!”
Endowed with no discernible skill or merit, these people are
somehow blessed with fame, fortune, and/or extremely attractive
girlfriends. Think of Laker forward Mark Madsen. Whenever he gets
into games, people always talk about his “heart” and
describe him as a real “hustle player,” which is just
journalist-speak for “this guy has no talent.”
Nevertheless, he’s wearing two NBA championship rings and
has made loads of cash to basically be Shaq’s buddy. And
there is no surer sign of the coming Apocalypse than his utterly
rhythm-less Victory Dance, which sends shivers down my spine every
time I see it.
So, the general public is left to wonder how the hell this
happened.
Not coincidentally, hell figures a lot into the equation because
it is my assertion that these people either a) are an incarnation
of the Horned One himself or b) they sold their souls to him.
A suggested label for these people might be “Soulless
Wonders” or “Satanites” or perhaps “the
Sacramento Kings.” These are Devilishly Bad Players (DBPs)
who have, despite their athletic shortcomings, achieved the kind of
success every guy dreams about.
Now that there is an established nomenclature and acronym,
I’d like to point out another DBP of some controversy: Casey
Jacobsen.
Some people have been fooled into believing Casey is a
“nice guy.” It’s entirely understandable, as he
is articulate, intelligent, and ““ I’m secure enough in
my own masculinity to say ““ even handsome. But Casey Jacobsen
has all the makings of a DBP.
He had a highly successful career as a shooting guard for
Stanford. He beat the Bruins at Pauley Pavilion all four years he
was at school. The Phoenix Suns drafted him in the first round this
past summer, when he has marginal second-round talent at best. And
as anyone that watched the NBA draft can tell you, his girlfriend
is incredibly beautiful.
But facts are facts: he looks like a Backstreet Boy, he’s
got a little section of his hair gelled in a sort of “Ooh
baby, I’ll be kissin’ you” type thing, not to
mention the archetypal highlights that seem to be a prerequisite
for the Backstreet look.
His basketball skills are mediocre. He’s Jason Kapono,
only shorter. He has no leaping ability; he’s slow-footed;
he’s afraid of contact and thus doesn’t rebound well;
he can’t play defense, has no post up game to speak of,
can’t create his own shots, doesn’t drive to the basket
and finish in traffic, etc.
He can consistently hit open three-pointers at the college
level. That’s about it. Somehow this guy is a first-round
pick and gets a guaranteed contract. Did I mention his girlfriend
is gorgeous?
It seems like I’m picking on Stanford, since both
“Mad Dog” Madsen and Jacobsen went there, but
there’s plenty of these DBPs to go around. I don’t at
all intend to make Satanford University out to be a DBP factory, by
any means.
There are plenty of other examples. Neifi Perez, supposed
leadoff hitter for the Kansas City Royals, has a career on base
percentage of .303. This is also a guy that played 668 games for
the Colorado Rockies and never hit .300, yet for some unknown
reason Neifi made $4,100,000 this past season. Or how about Robert
“Tractor” Traylor, Shawn Bradley, Mike Penberthy, Ruben
Rivera and Juan Uribe?
Collectively, these players have made millions of dollars, and
some live in palatial mansions and drive big shiny Escalades with
40-inch rims. All of them are considered disappointing if
they’re not outright flops. Would Bryant “Big
Country” Reeves please kindly make his way to the nearest
courtesy telephone? There’s an important message from the
Grizzlies for you: they’d like their $20 million back,
please.
Take a closer look at your favorite sports team and I guarantee
you’ll find a DBP. The next time that guy rears his head in a
game, take adequate measures to protect yourself and your team.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go surround Staples
Center with a ring of garlic and holy water.
I want a Laker four-peat, and I’ll be damned if I let Mark
Madsen embarrass the franchise with his Victory Dance any
longer.