I was always told that pigs would fly before the Anaheim Angels
made it to the World Series. I was also told that pigs would fly
before I ever became a successful baseball player.
Well, the Angels are in the World Series. Therefore, pigs fly
and I have already become a successful baseball player.
I decided to test this theory out by trying out for the UCLA
baseball team as a walk-on pitcher.
Why a pitcher you ask?
Well, in my illustrious little league career, I didn’t
have warning track power ““ I had deep infield power. My
career batting average was .133 and the position I played most was
right bench.
However, my coaches were blind. They never tried me out as a
pitcher, unlike UCLA’s great baseball manager, Gary Adams and
his pitching coach, Gary Adcock.
Keep in mind that I look nothing like a baseball player at 5
feet, 6 inches, 208 lbs.
This becomes very noticeable as I walk onto the field with the
rest of the potential walk-ons. All 17 of them played either high
school or college baseball. I didn’t do either.
The tryouts began with Adams giving us a pre-tryout speech.
“Unfortunately, we do have a limited roster size,”
Adams said. “I don’t like making cuts but they’re
a necessary evil. Ever heard of Eric Karros and David Roberts? They
were walk-ons, and they’re both starters for the Dodgers. Go
out there and have fun.”
Before the evening scrimmage convened, I had a bullpen throwing
session, the first time I had ever thrown off of a mound.
My first pitch sailed over the catcher as I slipped. Later, I
pitched about five fastballs in a row. The catcher then told me to
throw the heat. I could’ve sworn that I saw Adcock bite his
lip to keep from laughing.
I finished warming up in the bullpen and sat in the dugout by
myself.
I watched the starting pitcher get shelled; everything he threw
was hit hard, a very discouraging sign for me considering he
literally pitched twice as fast as I did. He allowed five straight
hits and was pulled.
Remember The Rookie where Jim Morris walked in from the bullpen
to pitch his first major league game? That’s what I felt
like, except no one was cheering.
I was given the ball and the game resumed. My first pitch was a
36-mph curveball that went over the plate and left the batter with
an expression of complete idiocy. He probably hadn’t seen a
pitch that slow since little league. On second thought, probably
longer.
Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t paying attention to the
fact that I came into the game with a runner on second base. He was
literally at third base by the time my pitch reached the
catcher.
After another look of confusion on a 40-mph fastball, he swung
as hard as he possibly could. Luckily, he got under the pitch, as
it settled in left field for a sacrifice fly. No damage done. Hey,
it wasn’t my runner that tagged up and scored.
The next batter looked equally perplexed at my heater. When he
decided to swing, he grounded out.
I thought I was in the zone. Well, the next hitter singled on my
first pitch, killing the zone.
“Last hitter,” Adcock yelled.
After working a 1-2 count on the next hitter (he had the same
baffled look on his face as an art major forced to sit through an
upper division math class), I decided to really let one fly. I
threw my fastest pitch, a 45-mph heater, to which the batter
apparently had trouble catching up. He hit a ground ball to second,
ending the inning.
Adams talked to me as I walked off of the field. “Well
Gilbert, I don’t like doing this but I have to. With your
velocity, the best you can hope for is for the batters to make
contact and make outs, which is what just happened. But to succeed
at your velocity, you have to have pinpoint accuracy. You
don’t. It’s a school night and you should be back
early, so I’m going to have to cut you.”
A perfect ending to my career. I was cut with an ERA of
0.00.
“You weren’t the first one cut. I cut two guys
before you.”
That has to be the greatest embarrassment of all-time. Think
about that pick-up line:
“Yeah, I was cut before the Stat Geek, even though I
played high school baseball, and he hadn’t pitched in his
entire life.”
This would have to be my greatest athletic achievement ever,
just above batting third for the Daily Bruin IM softball team.
In fact, you could make a sound argument that had it not been
for Title IX, I could be on the baseball team’s roster. Adams
said that before Title IX, he could carry 55-60 players on the
roster, as opposed to the current 34. He currently had 40, and I
was 15th out of 17 players at the tryouts, making me the 55th best
player. Of course, if it weren’t for Title IX, women would be
largely excluded from sports. Obviously, that is a far greater
crime.
Hey, I could realistically be on the baseball team.
Pigs can fly.