As a graduate of an all-girl Catholic school, I first set foot
on the UCLA campus feeling much like the proverbial kid in a candy
store.
I couldn’t help but gape in awe at all of the guys ““
big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones, fraternity guys and
athletes and video game nerds ““ oh my! However, as I quickly
learned, there are certain rules to live by if you want to date
successfully at UCLA, and the most important of these rules deal
with dating in the dorms.
The first rule is this: Don’t date that girl or guy who
lives next door to you. I believe the scientific name for this
phenomenon is “floor-cest,” or, getting it on with
someone who sees you walk to the shower in your ratty robe every
morning.
One friend of mine experienced palpable feelings of attraction
for his next door neighbor, but hesitated to act upon these
feelings due to the stigma attached to dating someone who lived so
close. The dorms are a very public place. Maintaining a
relationship (especially a sexual one) in front of 50 other people
freaked my friend out. So he nixed his neighborly tryst ““ in
fact, on the very day they were to consummate their
relationship.
I’m sure a few people find their soul mates living down
the hall, but isn’t that really just the laziest way possible
to find a date? I have another friend who started dating a girl who
lived on his floor in Dykstra only two days after he moved in his
freshman year. Four years later, they were still together ““
but he could never really get rid of the nagging feeling he had
been missing out on something ““ like, say, all the other
girls who go to school here. Of course, by the time he finally
broke up with his girl, he had graduated and completely missed his
opportunity to frolic with the undergraduate females.
This leads me to another important dorm dating rule: Date
around. Don’t settle for the first cute guy or gal you see.
There are literally thousands of single people out there on campus.
OK, sure, maybe only 34 of them are attractive, but the rest of
them have enough good qualities that would make them great
potential mates. Go out, meet your friends’ friends, or get a
job at Events Services ““ the guys working there are cute and
plentiful.
One of my favorite places to cruise for guys when I was a
freshman was Rieber dining hall. Any of the dining halls will do,
but Rieber for some reason combined the best food with the best
social atmosphere ““ and the men’s soccer team ate there
on a regular basis (Jimmy Frazelle always made lunchtime so much
fun.)
My friends and I used to give the cute boys nicknames, so we
could talk about them in a kind of code. There was Tennis Boy: of
course on the tennis team. Sticker Boy, who was so hot that we
wanted to give him a sticker saying, “Congratulations! You
are hot. Thank you for beautifying the UCLA campus.” The
Twins: One of my friends got the shock of a lifetime when she
realized the guy she was drooling after was actually two guys
““ twin pre-med students who would occasionally grow beards
just to confuse people.
This little naming game was fun until I actually hooked up with
Sticker Boy at a party and quickly realized he was very gay (great
dancer, but didn’t seem too into kissing girls.)
Once you’ve found a suitable partner (i.e. one who
doesn’t live next door), there’s another very important
rule to remember: if you’re going to sexile your roommate, at
least do it with consideration and class. Everyone knows to stick a
scrunchie or some other pre-arranged marker on the doorknob to ward
off any intruders, but I’ve always liked to make sure my
roommate wouldn’t be stranded in the hallway late at night
without a change of clothes or some sustenance. So before I started
getting it on with my boy, I’d carefully lay a pair of
pajamas, a pillow, some Cheese-Its and maybe a Coke outside the
door so my roommate would be well taken care of while waiting for
me to finish up.
Following these few simple rules will ensure a UCLA dating
experience that is socially and sexually fruitful. So go forth, my
young ones ““ and don’t forget your preferred method of
birth control.