I would like the title of my article to be “Frat guy says
no dorks allowed” or something like that. Hi everyone. My
name is Mike Dupecheck. You may have seen me around campus.
I’m average height, I’ve got a bit of a gut, I wear a
backwards hat that covers my brown hair, and I’m in a
fraternity. You also may have seen me bench-pressing at the gym or
sleeping in class.
But most importantly, you’ve probably seen me getting
drunk at a party. I’m the guy with a beer in my hand who acts
like the host even if I’m not. I ask everyone if
they’re having a good time, but never really say much more
than meaningless, superficial crap.
I can’t tell you which fraternity I’m in but let me
give you two hints. It’s the house that wants to get as many
attractive, athletic guys as possible because we want to have a
good reputation so the sororities with the “hottest”
girls will hang out with us. It’s also the house with ads
showing brothers with attractive girls so you’ll look at
those ads and think you can get girls by joining our house.
Sure, I wasn’t in the cool crowd in high school, but
that’s because they wouldn’t grant admission if I paid
them or became their slave for a few months. Things are different
in college, where I’m undeniably cool because I’m in a
frat.
I’m writing this column because the frats are in the
middle of rush and I’ve noticed a lot of dorks are trying to
join houses. As a cool guy, I don’t think this is right, and
I want to make sure dorks stop trying to rush fraternities. One of
the best things about fraternities is they give you an opportunity
to drink beer with cool guys. If you’re a dork, you’re
not cool enough to do these things with us cool guys, so you
shouldn’t try to join a frat.
If you’re not sure whether you’re a dork, let me
give you a few examples. Dorks behave much differently than cool
people. Sometimes when I see them in public they don’t even
try to act tough like most of my friends or feign interest in
people they don’t care about.
One quarter during pledge while we were sitting around ranking
the sororities in order of attractiveness, a dork who was trying to
join our house said he didn’t want a beer because “he
didn’t feel like it.” Needless to say, he wasn’t
lucky enough to be hazed and go through an inane process of
degradation, pain and humiliation that exists under the guise of
bonding. There’s no way we wanted that guy in the house.
Another dork I know was asking some guys in the house which
English classes they recommended because he really liked English in
high school. He even called me a loser because I was proud of
having the lowest GPA in the house and getting drunk the last eight
nights in a row. Well, while that guy’s taking “English
classes,” other dorks recommended to him, I’ll be at
the house playing video games. Who’s the loser now?
You’re also a dork if you’re not standing outside
one of our parties trying to get in until you’re eventually
denied entrance because you’re not on the list. And
you’re really a dork if I talked to you about rushing our
house and you weren’t interested.
 You’re an even bigger dork if you try to find a girl
to date based on things you share in common. Can you say
“uber-dork?” If you’re one of those guys, you
need to come to one of our parties, throw back a few beers, and
hook up with a girl. That’s how I got a girlfriend, not by
finding someone who likes the same things as me. Yeah, if
you’re that dork, you definitely need to come down to one of
our parties. Oh wait, you’re not on the list.Â
P.S. As David Burke, I’m well aware that not all frat guys
are like Mike Dupecheck. I know some great guys in fraternities and
wish I had looked into joining when I was a freshman. I wrote this
column to warn students about the Mike Dupechecks of the Greek
world. If you’re thinking about joining a house and meet some
guys you connect with, go ahead and join. But in my experience,
those people can be just as easily met outside a frat ““ for
free.
Think about it, isn’t the “coolest” guy the
one who’s willing to get to know and hang out with people
that may be a little “dorky” because he’s not
worried about what other people think of him? Many frat guys
I’ve met seem like nothing more than hyper-masculine
juveniles with a burning desire to be “cool.” They care
more about your involvement in the house than they care about you.
So I encourage you to check out the frats and decide for
yourself.