It is once again that time to combat boredom and bad
entertainment blues with everyone’s (soon-to-be) favorite
superheroes.
Last time we saw our dynamic duo, Donald and Double, they were
busy getting into film premieres and wasting their summer away.
They then fell into a regenerative hibernation that got them ready
for ““ yes ““ their first quarter at UCLA. That’s
right, due to a computer glitch and backed by insanely popular
demand, D and D have come to our school to stay.
Henceforth, let me invoke the magnanimous laughter of Buster
Keaton and Charlie Chaplin to help me dispel with the formalities,
introductions and ancient animosities, and pick up with the amazing
and completely (un)true adventures of Donald and, yes, Double.
Cut to Westwood.
We find the best friends back at their hole-in-the-wall
apartment, stretching their muscles after their energy-retention
training (also known as a nap). Suddenly, the two hear a din, the
phone is ringing.
Donald, or was it Double, picks it up.
“Hello ““ Yes ““ Oh, hey Helpless ““ Uh-huh
““ Hey Double (Donald) do we have anything to do today? No,
man I guess classes start today, but we ain’t busy ““
Sure, sure, kid, we’ll come on down.”
Donald, or maybe Double, hangs up the phone and explains to
Double, or is it Donald, that they need to get dressed or be damned
if they go out not looking like The New Hotness.
The phone call was from their friend, a slightly overweight
white kid they had affectionately dubbed Helpless. Helpless had
procured a job at a major movie studio we’ll call No
Imagination, Inc. and his boss had told him he could bring some
friends to work today for a tour of the studio lot. Of course, he
thought of the guys he looked up to as the epitome of cool ““
D and D.
Flash forward to a now extremely spiffy tandem of young black
men being led around a lot by Helpless and his ever more agitated
NII boss.
Walking down one alley of false front buildings and closed
production lots, D and D notice an unusually long line of
30-something males, some of whom look very familiar.
So, Double, the more forward of the two, asks the studio thug, I
mean boss, what’s going on.
“Oh, it’s an open call for talent. This one’s
a little different than usual, though, because it’s not for
any particular project,” the movie kahuna says.
D and D look at each other bewildered, and then slyly raise
their eyebrows at the NII honcho in question, as Helpless gives a
knowingly smug smile.
“OK, so the thing is we’re looking for the funny man
of the future,” says the studio stud. “Think about it
boys, Jim Carrey hasn’t had a true comedy smash since
“˜Liar, Liar,’ Bill Murray’s turned to serious
roles like Polonius, Eddie Murphy makes bomb after bomb, and Adam
Sandler’s past his prime. The only hit comedies in recent
years have been teen gross-out fests, and let’s be honest,
those kids aren’t exactly the talented wave of the future.
So, we’ve rounded up a random crop of people from all over
the world to find the funny future because you see, there’s
no one.”
“That’s right,” Helpless says.
Donald and Double think it over, and strangely enough it seems
to them that the guy from NII actually has a point.
“But wait a second,” says Double. “That guy
looks exactly like Chevy Chase. And look at him, that’s Chris
Rock.”
“No, no, those are just guys who look like them. I told
you we’re looking for the new generation of comedic
gold,” says Mr. Big Studio Man. “But, hey, if the next
generation looks like the last, it makes it even easier for people
to adjust their squinty little eyes.”
“Wait a second,” Donald says. “What about Mike
Myers? “˜Austin Powers’ is huge. What about Chris
Tucker? That kid’s hilarious.”
“Let me handle this one boss. Those guys just don’t
have long-term widespread appeal. “˜Austin Powers’ is a
fine, but dying, franchise, and Tucker hasn’t proven himself
without Jackie Chan. There’s no money comedy man, or men, and
women, well just forget about them,” Helpless says.
“Well put, Francis (Helpless’ actual name),”
the movie mogul says.
“Damn,” D and D think collectively, as they feel the
laughter and hilarity being sucked out of their movie-loving souls.
For a moment, it even begins to depress the two masters of fun.
“We do have two ideas that Francis brought you here to
mull over, though …”
And we will leave our heroes for now as the NII boss piques
their waning interest.
So, stay tuned until next Thursday with your ears open, your
eyes to the ground and your finger on the page. Their exploits may
come your way.