Anthony Bromberg Since writing this
column, Bromberg has disappeared, so you can e-mail Nick Drake at
abromberg@media.ucla.edu.
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So, the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Bombs are
exploding on every street corner. Universes are colliding on
Meyerhoff Lawn. Hollywood has begun to shun profits for artistic
weightiness. And worst of all, cats and dogs are living together
(even if it is in fear of those bigger animals).
Here’s the deal: something has got to give, and soon. I
believe there are certain people walking among us who have fate or
destiny, and possibly even superpowers; when the shit goes down,
I’m going to find one of these people and clutch onto their
ankle with the strongest judo grip I can muster up. This will
ensure my own safety.
And yes, these people are many of your not-so-average
celebrities. Yes, as everyone claims, the world is becoming more
and more serious (or more silly and absurd perhaps) and actors and
musicians are more relevant than ever. We’ve seen
“Unbreakable” and we all know that there are people out
there with realistic abilities not to die. It only makes sense then
that these people would be the ones who gravitate toward stardom.
Let’s face it ““ there are those among us who worship
them like demi-gods. And then there’s the always more
important fact that they just don’t die. Ever.
“Unbreakable’s” star Bruce Willis is probably
a good place to start. Not only does he have bones of steel, he
also made his way through three “Die Hard” movies.
Anyone who has seen these films know that they should be called
“Immortal” instead; despite every kind of miscellaneous
destructive weapon that is thrown at him (and having to tug around
an irate Sam Jackson in the last one), Willis clearly never dies,
ever, and neither will you if you can find him and latch on.
There are people who serve basically the same function as the
esteemed bald one, such as Arnold “GET DOWN!”
Schwarzenegger and Nicolas “he’s still really a
Coppola” Cage. If you’ve ever seen
“Commando” or “The Rock,” you know these
two will not fail to protect you from the towering inferno that the
world is sure to become.
But now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
Everyone is going to be hounding these obvious hulking behemoths of
bomb avoiders and pictures of immortal invincibility. Hence, I
think the key to surviving in this day and age is to find a less
obvious superhero-esque movie star.
I have a few ideas stored up so I’ll give you a couple of
examples to help you in your search for long life in such a
dramatic land.
A perfect example of the unknown superhero effect would be the
unbeatable duo of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, those two cooky
bandits from “Home Alone.” Think about it. With as much
pain and human infliction that little Kevin can dish out on them,
the bastards just won’t die. No matter how hard they are hit
or burned or otherwise decimated, they barely even slow down. Plus,
Joe Pesci was also in “Casino;” thus, these two prove a
very solid choice (unless of course the new world war includes
baseball bats in a deserted field).
Another off the wall choice would be musician Bob Dylan. He is
still relevant at 60. Indeed, that is superhuman. Or, if you can
find out where Elvis and Jim Morrison are hiding and get them to
let you in their cave of debauchery, you’re probably home
free.
If all else fails, because you can’t think of any small
time heroes, and Mr. T’s line is too long, and you
don’t like rock stars because they’re usually British
and pissy, there is still one surefire way to survive. Find
Harrison Ford. He should be able to shroud at least a couple
thousand people in his aura of indestructibility.