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The Intramural Office has come up with its best idea since
full-contact duck-duck-goose, coed naked mud football and extreme
badminton.
They have overcome the adversity of losing their precious IM
field and in the process, are turning a lemon into one giant
pitcher of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
From the giant hills and dashing runways you probably already
guessed the new spring intramural sport which will take place on
the grounds of the former IM field.
This announcement might not come as a surprise, but starting
next week UCLA will become the first major college to host an
Intramural Dirt Bike Championship.
Who needs softball, soccer and grass? Spring isn’t a time
to be shirtless in the sun, lazily kicking a checkered ball or
passing grounders through your legs.
No, spring was meant for motocross, and the IM department plans
to bring the backcountry to you this season.
“I’m excited about it because the uniform and mud
gives me the opportunity to hide my hideously pale body,”
said one potential rider who would only give his name as
Shlomo.
Do not despair at the ugly mounds of dirt and debris strewn
across what used to be luscious grass. Instead, embrace the new
sport like Shlomo and rejoice in the opportunity to become part of
history and America’s noisiest pastime.
Because of high costs, the department was only able to purchase
six 80cc bikes. That means that spaces are limited. Like any
intramural sport, lots of thinking and planning went into this
historic decision.
The IM field’s current condition is enough to make any
Pismo Beach native homesick. Muddy hills, steep channels and even
the occasional cement pillar make for perfect conditions between
Drake Stadium and the North Athletic field.
The construction vehicles will be used to further enhance what
will soon be known simply as “The Pit.”
The department plans on using the metal from the old soccer
goals to create stutter-bumps, known as “whoops” within
the world of motocross.
Extra dirt normally trucked away from the construction sight is
piled up into crowd-pleasing triple jumps, occasionally shooting
riders as high as 40 feet into the air. Though IM officials expect
novice Bruins to take it easy on the dirt slopes, there will be a
division for more experienced riders.
Sure the noise might be a problem, but former Sproul residents
were starting to feel resentful toward those who no longer have to
deal with early morning band practice.
To accommodate all, riding is restricted to the hours between 5
p.m. and 1a.m., after the construction workers leave but before
Puzzles shuts down. Nothing spells pleasure like an extra large
chili cheese dog after a hard night of riding. Note: make sure to
eat dog AFTER hitting the course.
The beauty of the IM department’s decision lies in its
simplicity. All the school had to do was purchase six bikes and a
small checkered flag during spring break. No cones, bases, goals or
hoops are needed for IM motocross.
Chalk outlines the course and those stupid enough to stray from
the path will fall into the second level of the parking structure,
removing themselves from the race without the aid of a IM
official.
The key material, dirt, is currently in surplus supply which
will save the school thousands of dollars now that workers no
longer need to truck it offsite. The school will further cut
corners by recycling old football equipment for safety. Old helmets
and elbow pads will be required, but rib-guards and neck-roll are
optional. Sandals are not permitted.
IM officials are hoping to increase interest by bringing the new
sport to UCLA. If the experiment works, there are rumors that the
athletic department may approve motocross as the next women’s
sport to help fulfill Title IX guidelines.
Some officials believe the new sport will change the face of
intramurals here at UCLA.
There will be various divisions based on experience level, with
beginners welcome. All required for participation is a valid
student ID, a need for speed, and an abnormally large pair of
“¦
For the most part students seem interested in the new craze.
“It sounds good to me,” said a first-year student
calling himself Frosty. “I’ve never tried motocross,
but when I was a kid I used to lap everybody on my tricycle. I
wonder if my girlfriend will let me try it.”
Call Frosty whipped, but he brings up a good point. Danger is
definitely an issue. But this added element actually helps the IM
department by limiting overflow and increasing spectator
attendance.
Nothing is funnier than seeing a sophomore biology student eat
his handlebars for dinner before washing it down with mud kicked up
by the lead rider.
If nothing else, the Intramural Department should be commended
for making due with what it has. This year it has been hog-tied
like a younger sibling, pinned down and prevented from doing what
it does best. IM motocross represents a return to intramural
excellence.
Unfortunately for many of you, it is too late to participate in
this historic sporting event due to limited space registration
concluded yesterday on April 1. Sorry.