Jeff Agase Agase can’t wait until the
contribution to "World’s Greatest Wino" shows up on his expense
report. E-mail him at agase@ucla.edu.
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Every team in this year’s NCAA Tournament is beatable, and
almost every team has taken a bad loss this year, so there’s
a distinct possibility that a monkey could fill out a bracket
better than you or I.
Now, I did science fair experiments in junior high ““ for
extra credit, I swear ““ so I knew that the best way to prove
a hypothesis was to test it through experiment.
Time to find a monkey!
A couple of weeks ago, I called up the kind folks at
UCLA’s Office of Protection of Research Subjects ““
probably not the best people to ask ““ but couldn’t get
past the receptionist.
“You can try and call later,” she said. “But I
don’t think they’ll let you do that kind of
thing.”
Scott Schultz The Daily Bruin Sports Editor
So I decided to get the next best thing to a monkey ““
Daily Bruin sports editor Scott Schultz.
That made one source, but we here at The Bruin have a rule
(which I usually ignore) about getting three sources, and since
picking this year’s field isn’t going to be easy, I
figured I’d humor the higher-ups and seek more sources.
Big boss man Schultz suggested I head with him to Venice Beach
and talk to this guy Bobby, who calls himself “The
World’s Greatest Wino.”
I, of course, was under the impression that Scott Schultz was
the World’s Greatest Wino, but it was of no matter to me. I
still needed another source.
I saw a boardwalk psychic with a UCLA backpack, and thought I
might get some insight into the Bruins’ tournament chances,
or at least Steve Lavin’s employment future. But she
didn’t really follow when I asked if she went to UCLA, and I
figured explaining the brackets, much less the play-in game, would
be tough.
Bobby The World’s Greatest Wino
So I settled with the two sources and with my own picks, fully
aware that my boss Scott Schultz and the World’s Greatest
Wino had as good a chance as I did to play Nostradamus during the
best three weeks in sports.
By looking at our Final Fours, it’s hard to tell who the
drunk guy is. I conservatively have three No. 1 seeds ““ Duke,
Maryland and Kansas ““ and one No. 3, Arizona out of the
West.
Bobby has No. 1s Duke and Maryland, No. 2 Oklahoma and No. 7
Wake Forest. When asked why he believed in Duke so fervently, Bobby
said, “Duke’s my alma mater.”
Hmm. That comment begged a question, and I found out that Bobby
grew up in North Carolina and worked at Duke and Maryland as a
medical assistant, seeing to patients in the rare instances he was
sober.
But Schultz’s Final Four really took the moronic cake. It
also made me wonder if Bobby just has the nickname out on loan.
Big Scott, pictured next to Bobby in all his goofy glory, has
No. 4 USC, No. 6 Gonzaga, No. 3 Georgia and No. 10(!!)
Pepperdine.
As champ, I have Duke, Bobby has Maryland and Schultz has
Gonzaga.
And if you look at Bobby’s Final Four, the North Carolina
native has three ACC teams ““ more than even Dick Vitale
picked.
You can see why Bobby and Schultz get along so well. They both
made their selections with their hearts and not with their heads.
Sure, it makes for a doubly good time if a beloved local team wins,
but it’s often a recipe for disaster, as anyone who has
picked UCLA in the Final Four in the past few years can tell
you.
Schultz and Bobby both have the Bruins going to the Elite Eight
and losing. UCLA got the best possible draw for a No. 8 seed, with
a Cincinnati team considered prone to early exits on the
horizon.
But my new rule, instituted March 10, 2002, says that I’ll
only pick with my heart if the team I pick has heart itself. That
obviously eliminates the Bruins.
I’m not saying they can’t do it. With some luck and
maybe a quadruple bypass in the intensity category, UCLA is a
legitimate sleeper pick for the regional final. Still, I have them
going down to Cincy.
But Schultz and Bobby might be on to something with the low
seeds in the Final Four. Never have all four No. 1 seeds advanced
to the Final Four, and three of the top seeds have made it only
three times. Other than the Wake Forest run and a Sweet 16
appearance by San Diego State, Bobby played things pretty
conservatively, which might prove to be the best policy ““
pick an upset or two, then stick closely to seedings.
Despite my predictably boring Final Four, I wasn’t averse
to the upset, taking all four No. 12 seeds over the No. 5s, and
picking Wyoming over super-ballyhooed Gonzaga in what may prove to
be an idiotic move. But the second round is pretty much where the
creativity ended for me.
I can’t say the same for Schultz. He had only one No. 1
seed (Maryland) in the Elite Eight and set up a Sweet 16 matchup
between No. 10 Pepperdine and 11th-seeded Boston College in the
Midwest.
According to Scott, the winner of that gem of a game will play
““ get this ““ the winner of Western Kentucky/San Diego
State.
I’m by no means an expert, but I also have no problem
calling my boss stupid. And any other year, his Midwest region
alone might be grounds for dismissal from his esteemed
position.
But this year, who knows? After a crazy season of college hoops
and my own crazy exploits, I’m convinced anything can
happen.
After all, the World’s Greatest Wino has been sober since
1997.