Bonnie Chau Chau is a second-year
English student who really does want to make the world a better
place. E-mail her at bchau@media.ucla.edu . Click Here
for more articles by Bonnie Chau
They say that in the last two years, alcohol and marijuana use
among adolescents has generally decreased, or at least leveled
off.
I say we should not tolerate this. In the 21st century, this is
not allowed! We have more technology to make realistic fake
IDs, high-speed Internet access to easily locate drugs online, and
yet, a general decrease in drug and alcohol consumption? No! I will
not stand for this! This is a call to arms! Or at the very least, a
call to 40s and bongs!
A rejuvenation, a new interest in hiking up alcohol and drug
consumption would actually benefit society, I promise. Contrary to
popular belief, alcohol and drug use is not solely relegated to the
dregs of society. Fine, upstanding citizens who wish to make the
world a better place would agree with my following 13 reasons:
1. If we openly promote drug use, we wouldn’t have to deal
with those lame anti-drug commercials. Exciting as they are
effective, I’m sure, we’ve all had enough of Rachel
Leigh Cook freaking out with eggs. Could we really handle what the
Partnership for a Drug-Free America has in store for us with their
new ad campaigns targeting ecstasy use?
2. If everyone was drunk and cracked out, it wouldn’t even
matter that we only have two bars and zero clubs in Westwood.
Eating at overpriced restaurants and watching overpriced movies
would be so fun they’d be worth the inflated prices.
Illustration by JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin Senior Staff 3.
Professors and TAs who complain about reading hundreds of papers
that “all start to sound alike after a while”
won’t have anything to complain about anymore if they would
just take a few hits beforehand. Everyone reads and writes
differently under the influence, and the graders will be so stoned
they won’t even remember the last paper they read. Every
paper will be chock-full of new and startlingly fresh insights and
analysis. No papers will ever sound alike again!
4. Smoking out will give girls the munchies ““ some
may even start puking and appear to be engaging in habits
symptomatic of bulimia. This will make everyone think they’re
really cool.
5. Smoking out among both sexes, for that matter, will greatly
improve the businesses of the million eating places we have in
Westwood. Caught up in blind hazes of hunger, we will migrate in
nondiscriminatory droves to Gushi, Roll-Inn and Eurochow alike.
6. According to CNN, for the first time in thirty years,
American women are giving birth at a rate high enough to offset the
country’s mortality rate. This is inexcusable! It simply
means we must start drinking ourselves to death to offset this high
birthrate. Yeah.
7. In the process of drinking ourselves to death, our beer
goggles will make everyone happier. Students will be under the
impression that we live in a really beautiful, albeit blurry
world.
8. Being in an incoherent state of mind will make it easier
to deal with a bleak reality that consists of our president’s
never ending War on Terror/Axis of Evil, annoying Olympic
controversies, and cremation companies that substitute wood chips
for the ashes of loved ones.
9. Alcohol and drugs would also help students who need to
ease up on stressful lifestyles. The spaz with the color-coded
notes sitting next to you in class could be suffering from
stress-induced ulcers or high blood pressure. Help make cutthroat
competition a thing of the past by passing him or her some weed (or
if you are the one with the color-coded notes, taking some to
yourself).
10. The more alcohol and drugs we consume, the more likely
we are to end up like one of those exciting, tortured and tragic
artistes. Raise your hand if you want to be the next River Phoenix,
the next Rimbaud, or even the next Morrison (Go Bruins!).
11. Driving is always more fun when under the influence,
and it’s now considered cool, as even our own star athletes
have shown us. Over and over again.
12. Prince Harry did it. And we all secretly wish we could
be a little more like pale British royalty, forced to tour a
rehabilitation center.
13. And finally, sobriety is way overrated.
While sober, you might think I’m really laying the
bullshit on thick, but if you re-read this while trashed, you would
realize there is some truth to this rant.
Shocking as it may seem, I am actually not an advocate of
bulimia or alcohol-related deaths or drunk driving. I think
students should practice moderation with drugs and alcohol. But
seeing how moderation is relative for everyone, the truth is a lot
of people could use a little more “moderation” in their
lives. So knowing this, go out and make the world a better place
““ light up, knock back and have a bit of fun.