Anthony Bromberg Anthony Bromberg.
Anthony doesn’t actually know how to read. This column was written
by a group of chimpanzees put in a small room with a stone and a
hammer and chisel over the course of six months. If you’d like to
ask one of the chimps to be your valentine, you can e-mail them at
abromberg@media.ucla.edu.
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Words are sexy. Think about these words as you’re reading
them. Hear them in your head. Enunciate well. Ooh, you like that
don’t you?
Words, words, words. Say it with me.
You’re having naughty thoughts about Chaucer aren’t
you?
Now, if you’re having fun with this paltry example, just
imagine a place where people gather together in a group and get
thousands of sexy words thrown, lisped, and caressed right into the
soft part of their ears. I am here and proud to tell you that such
places exist.
They are readings, and for a number of reasons they are the
perfect place to take your next date (for Valentine’s Day,
perhaps).
A reading usually consists of an author or number of authors (or
poets if you swing that way) who stand in front of a group of
people and read a group of words, which they have grouped together
for a specific purpose. This is the perfect date environment.
First of all, it is a more active way to enjoy your evening than
say, going to a movie. The lights are generally on so you can see
your date. The readers are often very interactive with their
audience, and what they read will usually produce much
discussion.
You may still be thinking, “Reading on a date,
that’s so stodgy, that’s so Emerson and Homer. Why in
God’s name would I want to do that?”
Well, besides being a more active dating environment, readings
are the perfect way to endear yourself to your date. Since
it’s not that common a thing to do, you’ll win
originality points (although, after you read this you might want to
hurry up, because I’m sure it’s going to become a
phenomenon). In addition, you will seem distinguished and
intelligent; there is a certain mystique and artsy elitism that
goes along with participating in such cultural highlights as a good
reading. So whether you’re going to a reading with someone
from a long term relationship or for a first date, these brownie
points increase the likelihood of a successful run on your date by
at least threefold.
However, a reading can provide more than appeal to your image.
If your date sucks, the reading will also leave you with other
opportunities.
People who go to readings are sexy. Granted, this is not
necessarily true across the board, but compared to the normal
population, the percentage is much higher, trust me. No insult to
South campus, but as an English major I am always impressed with
the amount of good-looking people I see in my classes, and the
readings tend to take the artsy elite from those types of
environments. These are the kind of people you can imagine as being
witty, mysterious, wearing dark clothes, maybe smoking and maybe
not, perhaps holding a glass of champagne, and definitely ready to
seduce you with their dark and intelligent gaze.
So, now you’re thinking all right, “I’ll look
good, and my options will be open, but what if the reading itself
is boring and dry as hell, and I end up falling asleep and drooling
on my date? Won’t that counteract everything else?”
I hear your concern, but there is really no reason to fret my
friend. Contrary to how it may sound because of its title as a
“reading” and the images of rickety old white men that
it may evoke, a reading really is a good time.
The pieces read are very often extremely humorous, at other
times quite sensual, and even the chance to see someone up there
putting themselves on the line is quite inspiring and enjoyable.
So, give yourself a chance to laugh, cry, or maybe even become a
little uncomfortably turned-on in public.
The author, or poet, is often such an interesting personality
that they are in themselves charismatic and interesting enough to
hold the attention span of the audience. Not to mention
they’re artists, they have strange dispositions, and say
interesting things. Some of these writers will be serious and
impress you and your date with their intelligence, while others are
strange and wear odd and sometimes even scandalous clothing.
No, don’t get weirded out, your acceptance of these artist
types will not only make you grow leaps and bounds as a person, but
will show off your progressive open-mindedness to those around you.
Plus, think about it, it’s just got to be fun. Even if they
are pretentiously weird you can laugh at them, and if they’re
cool, well, then all the better because you will really enjoy the
hell out of yourself. You can take that joy and spin it into a
great date. What more could you ask for?
The atmosphere of well-dressed, hip people throwing around witty
banter also ensures amusement before and after the reading. Look at
the other people, talk with them, comment with them, they may even
become like a family to you if you are desperately lonely. Just
give it a chance, there’s really no way you can go wrong
here. It’s probably not even a bad place to go if
you’re single and you’re just looking to flirt.
So next time you’re taking out that special someone,
bypass digital surround sound, forget about dinner ““
that’s been done to death ““ and go for the gusto, go to
a reading. You’re thinking about Chaucer again aren’t
you? You sicko, he’s been dead 600 years.