Sharon Kim Kim is a second-year biology
student. Send your rhyme or reason to skim@media.ucla.edu. Click Here
for more articles by Sharon Kim
They’re on a mission, armed with copies of cheaply printed
religious pamphlets and books.
They clutch clipboards with pink and yellow slips of paper,
supposedly licenses from the city of Los Angeles that declare the
validity of their charity organization. Oh, and they never forget
their wallets, to keep donations in until they get a chance to go
to the teller line at Bank of America.
The religious zealots want to spread the word, I guess. And the
charitably conscious want you to spread the wealth.
Thanks in part to UCLA being an open campus, these people, these
solicitors (to use a very mild term), infiltrate our campus from
God knows where, flagging down as many students as possible for
their own twisted cause.
You’ve seen them around on your way to class, I’m
sure.
It’s unfortunate that whenever these people come up to me,
I’m already in a bad mood, or I’m late for class, or
something. It results in my being unforgivably rude and insensitive
to their cause. Darn.
I remember once I was sitting on a bench outside Powell, just
minding my own business, chewing over how much crap I would have to
study for a biochem midterm. And you know that feeling you get when
someone is watching you? Lo and behold, there’s this woman
staring at me in that
“I’m-so-spiritual-I-want-to-reach-out-by-being-eerily-interested-in-you”
sort of way.
She asked me if I wanted to take a spiritual survey.
A what?
I just quickly said no, hoping she’d leave me alone. I
should be so lucky. These people are as persistent as a shrieking
banshee. She said I looked unhappy and wanted to know if I was
doing OK because if I was doing OK, she would be OK, too.
“Uh, I’m doing OK.”
She got up and left.
If only I’d had the time to take the spiritual survey and
listen to her talk about the lord Zhorkus from planet Ploozer, and
maybe let her brainwash me into joining her little cult.
Frankly, I feel sorry for students that attend closed-campus
colleges. They can’t appreciate the colorful variety of
religious nuts and money grubbers available out there. Sure they
get the occasional cell phone vendor. But do these poor, deprived
students know what it’s like to have someone glide toward you
like a shark swimming toward prey, with the intent of taking a bite
out of your textbook money?
And you know, these charity organizations are so dedicated to
their cause that they don’t let you off easy. The first time
you’re attacked by the “Hey, do you have a
minute?” line, out of sheer goodwill toward men, you offer
some change. They ask if you have a dollar, reminding you there are
starving babies in Westwood. (By now, you’re well into the
guilt trip). So you open the paper money part of your wallet. They
spy a five dollar bill. They snatch it away, leaving you standing
there going “But “¦ but “¦ “
Oh well, at least those poor babies will be eating tonight.
All in all, I’m very proud to say that these solicitors
have become the motif of UCLA, like the prostitutes and scammers on
the streets of New York.
They’re a part of our community, like the squirrels.
Hell, while we’re at it, why don’t we invite the
local psychos here? I mean, by the way they act, we won’t be
able to tell them apart from the well-meaning solicitors.
Who’s to say that our very open campus is going to be
selectively permeable only to solicitors?
Sadly though, I haven’t been seeing much of the cult
members or greedy humanitarians lately. I think it must have
something to do with the cold weather we’ve been having.
I guess religious and altruistic missions only apply when the
weather is fair.
With the warmer weather, I’ll be sure to watch out for
those darling people. After all, who else is going to be so
concerned with our spiritual well-being?
It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.