Doug Lief Lief is a third-year psychology
student. Could you tell? Tell him about your mother at dlief@ucla.edu. Click
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It has become a troubling cliche that women feel unavoidably
attracted to men who are completely wrong for them. This leads to
other overarching platitudes that permeate our social interactions.
All men are pigs. Nice guys finish last. The frustration over these
seemingly impenetrable absolutes builds and builds until it bursts
in a flurry of Cosmo quizzes. What’s going on, and can it be
remedied?
You all know someone who’s been affected by this paradox,
and probably have encountered it some time yourselves. A friend of
mine recently had her birthday ruined by her boyfriend. He
accompanied her and many of her friends on a trip to Magic
Mountain. After disappearing for hours, she finally found him. He
was asleep in her car in the parking lot, which he had broken into
in order to nap inside, the ideal resting place. His only present
to her was a card. They are still together today.
I couldn’t have written a more ridiculous scenario myself.
(Well, I could, but it would involve a lobster playing trombone.)
Are women attracted to guys like this because somehow the qualities
of meanness and insensitivity are inherently desirable?
The answer is no. Granted, there is a positive correlation
between the degree of a male’s lack of compassion and his
ability to engender the attention of the opposite sex, but as any
of you know who have taken a statistics course, a correlation does
not prove causation. There is an underlying factor that produces
this result.
 Illustration by RODERICK ROXAS/Daily Bruin That factor is
power. What women seek is someone who is powerful, who can control
any situation and make things go his way. From an evolutionary
standpoint, this means women are far more likely to be attracted to
the guy who kills the charging lion than the guy who paints one on
the cave wall.
If there is one thing that jerks certainly have, it is power.
Women perceive them as having great security and influence. What
they often fail to notice is that this power is derived through
meanness and selfishness. Conversely, kindness and selflessness are
perceived as signs of weakness.
I do not recommend, however, that women try to find comfort in
the arms of the spineless. Spineless people aren’t
necessarily kind. They simply possess too much cowardice to act on
their angry impulses. Kindness is not the absence of malice;
rather, it is the active pursuit of the satiation of the needs of
others above one’s own.
It takes far greater strength to pursue good over evil, as the
odds are stacked against the good. A jerk demonstrates his strength
by dominating other males through force and/or humiliation. A kind
man will be far subtler. My grandfather once gave me some advice on
the subject. He said, “A great man doesn’t tell people
how great he is. If he is truly great, then they will know
it.”
Clearly something separates the boys from the men, but how to
define that separation? Rudyard Kipling comes fairly close in his
poem, “If.” I leave it to you to read it; it will be
two minutes well spent. When it comes to how a male treats a woman,
I have found a definition that seems to distinguish the mature from
the immature.
A boy sees his woman as a treasure. She is beautiful, charming,
intelligent, etc. The boy will recognize all of these positive
attributes as valuable, and therefore worth preserving through his
best efforts. He does not love her for herself, only for how she
makes him feel about himself.
A man will treasure his woman. He will cherish her, support her,
and devote the best fibers of his being to her. This is based on
sacrifice and love, rather than on possession.
A treasure, noun, is an object worth keeping. But a relationship
should not be a museum in which a male showcases his best piece. To
treasure, a verb, implies upkeep and care, dedication and
perseverance, love and honor. This is surely the measure of a
man.
In trying to avoid sub-standard men, women often fall into
another relationship sand trap, the older man. By older, I refer to
an age they should be together. At the same time, our wants must be
tempered with cognizance. The “plenty of fish in the
sea” metaphor still applies to the beginning of a
relationship. Squeeze a few tomatoes before you pick one out.
Most of us aren’t out there looking for husbands and wives
just yet, so perhaps it is adaptive that the qualities that make a
good spouse are not those we necessarily value in a college
relationship. On the other hand, high school is over, so perhaps
it’s time for the homo erectus in the varsity jacket to say
goodbye.
I find it disheartening that women, seeking powerful men, would
rather date Lex Luthor than Superman, or at least are more likely
to fall for Luthor initially. Of course, not all guys fit neatly
into the categories of heroes and villains.
In truth, we are neither. Ladies, give us the litmus test for
selfishness. A man should be a pillar of strength to his woman, but
he should be made of something warmer than cold stone.