Brenden Nemeth-Brown Nemeth-Brown is an
economics and political science student who enjoys long walks on
the beach. E-mail him at bnb@ucla.edu.
Click Here for more articles by Brenden Nemeth-Brown
I only like you as a friend. I bet you’ve heard this one
before. It’s an interesting aspect of relationships,
wouldn’t you agree? A guy can actually be at a disadvantage
by being friends with a girl if he wants her. But why is this?
Isn’t it better to have built some sort of bond with a girl
before you ask her out? The answer to this question seems to be
no.
I’ve noticed two main differences between men and women on
this topic (this is not to say there are not many more). Guys will
see a girl for the first time and think two things most likely: 1)
I would hook up with her or 2) I would not hook up with her. Now
don’t be disheartened by this, because there is a happy
ending to this story.
When a man takes in a first impression of a girl, her looks will
undoubtedly be the first thing his brain processes. He does not
think about what a great girlfriend she could probably be, or about
all the great conversations they might enjoy. But why would he? He
doesn’t know her yet. Why base all these assumptions on a
girl that has yet to open her mouth? Give the guy a little time to
get to know the girl, and tender feelings could easily develop.
Girls, on the other hand, seem to look at this a little
differently. Two different girls have come to me in an excited
state in the past year and have said roughly this: “I saw
this cute boy in class today! He was sitting on the other side of
the table from me during our Poli Sci discussion and kept looking
up at me and smiling occasionally. Oh! I just know that he’s
the greatest guy. He didn’t say much in class, but I can just
tell he’s everything I want in a boyfriend!”
 Illustration by GRACE HUANG/Daily Bruin Maybe this
doesn’t apply to many of you girls that are reading this, but
in my experience this has not been just a freak occurrence. I
called my sister before writing this column and she assured me I
wasn’t crazy. She said all her friends had said something
along these lines to her at one time or another as well. So, here I
plunge into the sea of avid speculation.
It seems college women have been taught to draw a line in the
sand between friend and boyfriend. In a friend they have a
confidant, someone with whom they can have a good time and a
platonic understanding. In a boyfriend they have a confidant and a
good time, but not a platonic understanding. The only difference
between the two, it seems, is physical intimacy and a somewhat
stronger emotional bond.
So how does one decipher between boyfriend and “just
friends”? Is it based solely on how attracted the girl is to
the another guy? I don’t believe that, for most girls have a
tendency to find their guy friends cute. Some will even admit to
their friends that they do find them attractive. So then where is
this missing spark?
This subject has taken a rather firm hold on me this year for
many different reasons: some of my own doing, some of
other’s. But I’ve noticed a similarity through it all.
It seems most men are apt to fall into the “friend
trap.”
I believe the basic male rationale is this: “Girls want a
guy who’s sensitive and caring, who will treat them well,
with respect, and not just as a sex object. While I still may be
attracted to her, I have to let her know that I like her for more
than her appearance.” So, men try to become women’s
friends to get closer to them. For the majority of my adolescence,
I would readily admit that I would not even be friends with a girl
that I wasn’t attracted to. That has changed now, but I feel
it’s a very human impulse to surround yourself with
attractive people.
With that said, why do some women insist on only dating men they
have just met? Why is there this taboo in our society where women
feel uncomfortable being physical with close friends? A common
answer is, “I just don’t want to lose our friendship. I
don’t want it to be weird. I don’t want it to be
awkward.” Who says it has to be weird? Who says it has to be
awkward? Weirdness and awkwardness are both illusions of the mind.
For most intents and purposes, people can decide what will bother
them and what won’t.
Let me give a few parallel examples of times where this
“awkwardness” didn’t exist. Two thousand years
ago, Romans had no problems having orgies with one another. Thirty
years ago, hippies had no problem having “free love”
with one another. Now, while I am aware of the increase in the
possibility of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, can you
honestly believe that they are the only reasons for the increasing
conservatism in our society?
A better answer might be that we are lapsing into a conservative
mindset because people have stopped rebelling. Without constant
challenge to the powers at hand, we stagnate as a society. I see
women revert to mentalities that seem to fly in the face of the
recent feminist movement. I’d be surprised if five percent of
the women on this campus know who Simone de Beauvoir is (her book,
“The Second Sex,” had a direct impact on the rise of
feminism).
While we have made advances in our society, women still seem
afraid to challenge men. When was the last time you saw a woman try
to impress a man with her intellectual capabilities? I feel
nauseated when I see women drop their IQs by about 30 points just
to make a better impression on men. It seems women have been
brainwashed to believe that the only way to get a man is to cater
to his ego, stroke it to no end, and let him dominate over her.
Did you ever notice in high school how girls base their worth on
their desirability? A boyfriend brings social status to a girl.
Guys could always fall back on their bros and beer, but girls seem
to face this pressure to have a boyfriend.
You may ask where all this ranting is leading. Well, I believe
on a certain level, women understand this. While they may not be
totally cognizant of their attitudes around men, they do feel that
something is wrong. This is why they are afraid to lose their guy
friends. It’s because they don’t have to act less
intelligent around them; they don’t have to stroke their
friends’ egos.
A close male friend is a welcome relief for many women because
they feel they can be trusted completely. They like the fact that
college men have less of a penchant for drama than do college
women. They feel as if they can be themselves. But as soon as this
same woman walks into a party, her whole demeanor changes. Suddenly
she’s trying to impress men, trying to get them to hit on
her. And she does this through catering to the needs of men’s
egos.
So where does this cycle end? Is there any way to awaken a
girl’s consciousness to this? One cannot be forced into this
new mindset, it can only be willfully accepted. The incentive to
deviate from the majority appears to be minimal. Why alienate
yourself, distance yourself from a society you have to live in? Why
challenge beliefs if the answers will only make you more
melancholy?
The answer is this: the knowledge that you will obtain will
allow you to lead a much more full life, independent of what
other’s think of you. You will stop defining yourself by
society’s standards, and start defining yourself by your
own.