Doug Lief Lief is a third-year
psychology student who is seriously considering relocating to
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My longtime readers are about to hear me (or actually, read me)
say something they never thought I’d say in a million years.
I want you to vote for George W. Bush.
The reason is that I am a comedian first, and a Democrat second,
and let’s face it, a Bush administration would be worth far
more comically than a Gore administration. Bush is the kind of guy
we all get behind when we’re drunk on his charisma, and come
November the country collectively wakes up with a hangover, looks
at the ugly thing we’ve made bedfellows with and say,
“God what was I thinking?”
During the third debate Bush was asked if he supported
affirmative action. He replied with an answer that if affirmative
action was so-and-so, then he was for it, but if it meant
so-and-so, then he was against it. Gore asked him to clarify
whether or not he supported affirmative action as the Supreme Court
defined it. He responded by saying he was for whatever it was he
said he was for.
Survey says? We haven’t had this kind of buffoonery since
the Iran-Contra affair when Reagan said that he wasn’t told
but if he was told then he forgot what he was told and he forgot
whether or not he was told to forget what he was told to forget,
and in any case, he forgot what the question was. This comes on the
heels of wonderful idiocy in the form of the now famous family of
gaffs of “the rats ad,” “subliminable,” and
most recently, “fuzzy Washington math.” I tell you
Conan O’Brien and I could feast for weeks on this stuff.
Perhaps I could best enlighten you with an example. Fredericka
Bungdangle of Toadsuck, Arkansas is here tonight. She is
67-years-old, and sadly, was born without any internal organs.
Naturally, her medical costs are high. She has to afford $3,000,000
of prescription drugs a day on an annual yearly income of $45. Her
only company is her hamster, Mr. Nutsworth who, by a sad
coincidence, also has no internal organs. Under Gore’s plan,
her prescription drugs would be paid for under the lock box of
Medicare. Under Bush’s plan, she would be sent a very nicely
worded I.O.U.
 Illustration by ZACH LOPEZ/Daily Bruin This brings me to
another great thing about Bush. He is a comedian himself. When a
comedian performs well, he/she says, “I killed ’em. I
slayed ’em. I knocked ’em dead!” Who enjoys
killing people more than Bush?
In the second debate, he talked about the men convicted of the
heinous murder of James Byrd. Bush looked Jim Lehrer in the eye and
said, “Guess what’s goin’ to happen to ’em.
They’re goin’ to be put to death!” with ghoulish
delight. I haven’t seen a person’s eyes twinkle over
the prospect of murder that much since “Silence of the
Lambs.” At least Hannibal Lecter can complete a sentence.
Let’s focus on the “fuzzy Washington math” for
a moment. Bush wants to take $1.6 trillion of the proposed surplus
and give it back as a tax cut. Let’s assume for the moment
that Gore is right and half of it goes to the wealthiest of the
wealthy. That leaves $800 billion for everyone else. Divide $800
billion by 250 million citizens and everyone gets a one-time check
for $3,200. Hooray! With that money I can easily pay my mortgage,
send my three kids to college, take care of all my medical bills,
and take that gold carriage to Hawaii that we always talked about.
Thanks Governor Bush!
Was my math too fuzzy for you?
Bush has also repeatedly said he wants the federal government to
be smaller. This would help him out greatly, since the fewer jobs
the government takes on, the fewer decisions he has to make.
Also comic is the way that Bush has had to defend his record as
governor of Texas, a state which ranks near the bottom of almost
every list imaginable except “States where people can carry
concealed weapons.” I think the mere fact that the people of
Texas thought they should rally behind Bush and elect him tells you
that the Texas educational system is sadly in need of repair.
Indeed, I could go on forever about Bush’s plans (or
rather the plans his aides have to explain to him using small
words) forever, but is he the only candidate with comedic
possibilities? Absolutely not.
For example, there’s Pat Buchanan, who has recently been
running an ad depicting a recorded telephone message which says,
“If you want to hear this in Korean, press 1, for Spanish,
press 2,” and so on and so on. Do we want an America with
diversity? I mean, is that what this country is about? Tolerating
those who are different? Hell no! This country was founded by
Puritans, so Pat believes we should stick to their legacy:
everybody is going to writhe in hellfire if they don’t act
like us. I ask you, what’s funnier than hellfire?
The answer is Ralph Nader. Nader is a man who wants to secure
his vision of America, an America where George W. Bush is president
because Nader sucked the liberal votes away from Al Gore.
Of course in the final analysis the third party candidates
don’t matter because they’ll never get any of the
electoral college. So that means we’re back to Bush and Gore.
I have a better solution to this problem than electing one of these
two epsilons. If you want a candidate with more comedic potential,
pick George “Quayle’s Intellectual Rival” W.
Bush. If you want a candidate who’s a know-it-all (how come
Americans are afraid of a president who knows it all?) pick Al
Gore. But if you want someone with serious potential, I have a
write-in for you: Josiah Bartlett.
For those of you who don’t know, Josiah Bartlett is the
fictional president on NBC’s “The West Wing” as
portrayed by Martin Sheen. If elected, Josiah Bartlett would be the
second fictional president in American history (Reagan was the
first). He’s got everything we want in a leader. He served
time in Vietnam (“Apocalypse Now”), was principal of a
public school (an episode of “The Simpsons”),
understands the business world (“Wall Street”), served
as Chief of Staff under Michael Douglas (“The American
President”), and narrated not one but two Deepak Chopra
videos. Can Bush or Gore claim credits like that?
Like George Bush Sr., Sheen even has two idiot sons in the
business. Certainly with his days of coke and drink, young George
W. and Charlie Sheen would have a lot to discuss, and second
banana, Jeb Bush, and Emilio Estevez can sit around eating nachos
or something.
Josiah Bartlett obviously has charisma, talent and an ability to
sell his proposals. Bush claims he is a “uniter, not a
divider” (partly because long division escapes him) but that
was only in the Texas state legislature. Real Democratic
politicians like Dianne Feinstein wouldn’t give that
sniveling frat-boy the time of day. Meanwhile Al Gore has
apparently stored his savvy in his lock box. I don’t think
either of these men would be able to accomplish as much as a
Sheen.
So there you have it, the funniest candidates. But folks, before
you vote, remember this: even if you like Bush’s aides’
plans, remember that if he gets elected abortion goes bye-bye, and
that is no laughing matter.
Mock the vote!