Hollywood is known to many as “the dream factory." It is a
place where the impossible becomes possible, where larger-than-life
is mandatory, and where Kevin Costner inexplicably still has a job.
Counting from “Mission: Impossible 2", Hollywood is set to
release 134 movies this summer. Many will suck, most will suck even
worse, but that is no reason why you can’t get in on the
action.
Were you to see all of those movies, even at the matinee price,
it would set you back $670. Hollywood knows that only a
professional producer would be stupid enough to spend that kind of
money on movies this bad. This means that in a market where
quantity is favorable over quality, many craptacular films will see
the light of day, even though they should be kept in a vault at the
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention with the last strain of
smallpox.
So why shouldn’t you write one yourself?
UCLA offers several classes on screenwriting, but I think I can
bypass them all with this column. After all, most of the
screenwriters out there have taken such classes, and it certainly
didn’t do much for the brainstems behind “The
Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas."
Your movie should begin, as all movies do, with trivia questions
presented by Coca-Cola. These should be about the same difficulty
as the average “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" question.
Perhaps you’ve seen this one: It’s about a big sinking
boat, it stars Leonardo DiCaprio, and it rhymes with
“Bitanic." What movie am I thinking of?
Once you’ve gotten past that, it’s on to the
previews. Simply pick and choose the elements you like for your
movie’s preview, and find the person with the scratchiest
voice possible to narrate it. The following is a composite of every
preview you’ve ever seen.
In a world, where law is no more, and justice is a fading
memory, there is just one man, with one chance, and one mission,
and one past, and one testicle, to walk away with it all, and find
the true meaning of sisterhood. He’s a streetwise rookie cop
who doesn’t play by the rules. She is a simple farm girl
trying to strike it out on her own at a prestigious New York dance
academy. Columbia – Tristar – Dreamworks – Paramount – Microsoft –
Pets.com Studios proudly presents the story of two siblings drawn
together by time-travel, bound by honor, to fight a menace they
can’t even see. This August, fear has a new name: American
Something-Or-Other. Rated R. This film is based on a true
story.
Chilling and enticing, isn’t it? For an added effect you
should inform your audience that your movie sucks ahead of time by
using the song, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" in the
preview. Failing that, at least have a scene where the characters
sing a song using a household object as a pretend microphone, e.g.
a hairbrush or frozen fish. And if you should see someone singing
“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" into a rolled-up
newspaper, run as fast as you can. If you think I’m joking,
wait till “Remember the Titans" hits the fan.
Now for our feature presentation. You should select a title for
your project based on its content. If your film is some sort of
thriller or action movie, you have to pick a short title that is
based on either riflery or military jargon, such as “Bolt
Action," “Weapons Grade," or “Schwarzenegger’s
Neck Veins." If it is a romantic comedy, your title should be the
name of an old song like, “Duke of Earl," “Earth
Angel," or “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough." If you do
name your movie after a song, you are required by law to use the
song within the movie under penalty of torture, or failing the
original song, then at least a Will Smith bastardization of it.
Now it is time to begin conforming to the summer movie formula.
Round up your cast of stock characters. This means you need the
standard “rag tag motley crew." Included in the bunch are the
surly middle-aged but still good looking leader, the Ben Affleck,
the quirky funny guy, the minority guy with only two lines, and the
tough woman who proves that within every female lies the potential
to be just as cold and unpleasant as any male. There is of course
room for variation.
Then you need a love interest for the Ben Affleck character.
This should be someone worth screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
about. This should be someone officially delineated as a Hollywood
bimbo. Audiences will reject Meryl Streep in this role like a
baboon kidney. We don’t care about this character’s
emotional well-being nearly as much as we are concerned with her
ability to stand with 20 extra pounds in front. Cast Denise
Richards: she could really use the money.
Next it’s time for the plot. The surly leader (who should
have a name with a lot of consonants like Kent Kentkrank) has left
his professional career in the field of bad-assing to return to a
simpler life of farming coal or something. All that is changed in
the blink of an eye, when someone decides to screw with his family.
This requires the death of his realistically ugly wife, and that
kid from “Jerry Maguire" who we will assume is his son. If he
isn’t, just have him killed anyway. The audience will go
nuts.
Kent vows vengeance on the ex-CIA international drug-trafficking
rogue terrorist mafia aliens who “picked the wrong guy to
mess with." But he cannot do it alone. He needs an elite team of
unqualified immature people who say “Wooo!" a lot to carry
out the plan. Now you can waste about half-an-hour of the
audience’s time as Kent locates and reunites with his former
bad-ass unit. This time, it is personal. Insert meaningless half
hour of tearful good-byes which will supposedly mean something when
people get shot later.
Now is a good time for a catch-phrase like “Good-byes are
too salty." or “Great gobs of booyah!"
Under the pretense of being tourists, the elite team of
bad-asses stage a plan which allows Kent to get inside the
legitimate face of the bad guys’ evil empire, Red Herring
Inc. Once there, Kent meets with Booby McBoobs, who has some job
normally reserved for ugly old men in bow ties, like C.F.O.,
nuclear technician, or person – who – faces – away – in – swivel –
chair – while – talking – to – you – before – dramatically –
spinning – around.
Kent seduces McBoobs (completely forgetting the wife who was
murdered less than 45 minutes ago) and in doing so obtains an ally
and the GPS coordinates to the space mafia’s secret
headquarters on Mars. Then war breaks out in Scotland, and Kent has
to lead people into battle for a few bloody slow-motion scenes.
At this point, someone ominously warns that they, “Have a
bad feeling about this." After that it’s off to Mars, where
McBoobs stows away on board despite Kent’s admonition
(don’t worry, in the movie he won’t use a word that
big). Once there the crew starts screwing up, causing lots of
explosions. Ben Affleck yells “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" and dies.
Kent finally confronts the leader, who has a name like Mr.
Sinister, Smith, or Hey Look At Me I’m Really Enigmatic and
Nasty; he will be played by Donald Sutherland. He will spill not
only his plot, but also a shocking secret about how mankind would
not have evolved without his genetic intervention, or that
it’s all just a computer world. Then he reveals he has
trapped McBoobs, who he kills, prompting Ben Affleck to yell
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" again, despite his death earlier. Kent
defuses a bomb with only one second remaining on the clock and
escapes in the nick of time before Mars blows up. Cue Aerosmith
song over credits.
So that’s how you create a summer movie. Good luck writing
those scripts. If you really want the best bang for your summer
movie buck, go rent “The Dirty Dozen." The End. No animals
were harmed during the writing of this column, except for one tuna
sandwich I ate.