By Sharon Hori
Daily Bruin Senior Staff
If you ever find yourself stranded in the marshy swamps of the
southeastern United States, never feed the alligators.
According to authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht,
alligators will lose their fear of the hand that feeds them and
then become more aggressive.
Never fear, for “The Worst-Case Scenario” handbook
is here. Piven and Borgenicht have been thugs and have been mugged,
they’ve stowed away on trains and stolen drinks from planes.
Now they live to boast of their bravery (with the assistance of
highly trained professionals) in a survival book geared toward the
Boy Scouts’ motto, “Be prepared.”
The handbook, split into five sweat-dripping chapters, provides
a glimpse through an obstacle course of 40 extreme situations.
Piven, the street-smart city boy, and Borgenicht, the nature
fanatic, speak bluntly about their book: “We were just a
couple of inquisitive journalists from different backgrounds who
worried a lot and were interested in knowing how to survive a
variety of crisis situations, likely or unlikely (mostly the
latter).”
After consulting the experts ““ physicians, bomb squad
officers, bullfighters, locksmiths and demolition derby drivers,
for example ““ the handbook was born.
Complete with easy to follow, step-by-step instructions (given
you have the intelligence and the insanity), as well as clearly
labeled diagrams, readers can take a look behind the scenes of how
professionals deal with emergencies.
In telling how to escape an angry swarm of killer bees, for
example, the authors are not stingy with the details. Do not
freeze. Instead, run away in search of shelter, and if no retreat
is near, try running through bushes or weeds to give minimal cover.
Swatting the bees only makes them angrier. Angry bees will sting.
If you are stung, rake the stinger out of the skin in a sideways
motion. Pinching the infected area may increase the flow of venom
into the skin, which can occur up to 10 minutes after the
stinging.
And how to identify a mail bomb: “If a carrier delivers an
unexpected bulky letter or parcel, inspect if for lumps, bulges or
protrusions, without applying pressure.” Check for nonsense
return addresses, wrapped packages in string or twine, excessive
postage (parcels weighing more than 16 ounces must be mailed at the
post office), suspicious handwritten addresses, oil stains, and, of
course, protruding wires.
The guide, however, disgraces all members of the
“how-to” book family. The authors not only discourage
readers from testing their adrenaline under the book’s
instructions, but they add a “don’t try this at
home” disclaimer against any attempt of doing so.
(Translation: Alligator-wrestling amateurs who lose any significant
appendages while pinning their reptiles can only blame their own
stupidity for ever taking up alligator wrestling in the first
place).
For the beginning criminal, the warning also says that readers
should not try to do anything illegal with the instructions in the
book. But in case you were curious and wanted to know how to break
down a door or hot-wire a car, look no further.
In a way, it’s a funny and engaging collection of
scenarios compiled by two Philadelphian writers who want a taste of
life at the bigger kids’ playground. With their guide, Piven
and Borgenicht bungee-jump off a six-foot cliff into a puddle
that’s three inches deep. And after reading the guide,
you’ll suspect that these daredevils sometimes run with
scissors or eat dessert before dinner.
This is not to say that these men are sissies. Their
hypothetical ordeals are practical and convincing, interesting and
thought-provoking. When would you need to know how to maneuver on
top of a moving train and get inside? And realistically speaking,
who wouldn’t want to know how to treat a bullet or knife
wound?
The book works well for the adventurous outdoorsman and for the
average Dorothy who strays from Kansas. With the suspense in movies
like “Indiana Jones” and “Titanic,” who
wouldn’t want to know how to survive in the desert, the
mountains or at sea?
The guide is a breeze through the lives of the stunt man, park
ranger, car thief and all-around American gladiator. But of course,
it’s nothing you should even think about trying at home.