Friday, February 12, 1999
No Valentine this year? Don’t fret – it’s really not
important
COLUMN: Feb. 14 just too full of sap; so-called love songs are
not romantic
Ahh, Valentine’s Day!
It’s the most romantic time of year. It’s when you can look
longingly into the eyes of your special someone and tell them just
how much they mean to you, and how you live every moment for them
and them alone. It’s when happy couples walk hand in hand,
proclaiming their love for all to see. It’s impossible not to love
this wonderful holiday.
Unless you live in the real world, that is.
Don’t believe what Hallmark and the rest of Corporate America
says – Valentine’s Day is a horrible joke. It’s nothing more than a
false celebration, perpetuated by evil, cruel-intentioned
money-lovers, whose minds are as small and saccharine as those
addictive little candy hearts. It’s not about true love, it’s all a
rotten facade.
On this oh-so-lovely holiday, there seems to be a glut of
romantic lists: the most romantic spots in town, the most romantic
movies to watch, the most romantic gifts to give, the most romantic
food to prepare on your most romantic evening ever and, of course,
the most romantic music of all time.
This super-hackneyed list is inescapable at this time of year,
sure to surface in some form in magazines and newspapers
nationwide.
The authors never pick truly romantic music – they pick songs
geared toward getting sex. Theories abound about the sentimental
value of "Sexual Healing" and Barry White’s sensitive,
soul-searching music, but it all comes down to heavy bass-lines and
swirling strings. Apparently, the more orchestrated the song, the
more likely women are to rip off their clothing and jump on the
suave man who’s just slipped "Love’s Theme" into the CD player.
Yeah, right.
Leave that ridiculousness for the doe-eyed, love-crazed gimps
who surround themselves with chocolate roses and plush animals the
size of children. If you plan on spending your Valentine’s Day away
from the make-out spots, you don’t want to hear honey-sweetness and
you want to hear about people who are rotting away in the same boat
as you are, here’s a little list of actual, real-life Valentine’s
Music.
Been screwed over by your girlfriend, fellas? Let’s look to
Freddie King for some commiseration. He’s the least known of the
Three Kings of the Blues, with B.B. and Albert being the better
recognized of the trio. He may not have the mega-fame, but the man
can sing the blues something fierce. In one of his best tunes, "I
Love the Woman," Freddie tells us about the twisted feelings that
relationships can bring.
"I love the woman, and learned a lesson that I can’t forget," he
sings, repeating the line twice for emphasis. Now he gets to the
point: "She’s mean and she’s evil, and now my life is in a sorry
mess." Oh, the agony, oh, the heartbreak. This doesn’t translate so
well onto the printed page as it does when he’s screaming it
through your stereo, but suffice to say, Freddie’s hurtin’. Love
doesn’t make too much sense. If you pick the wrong person, you can
get fried like an egg.
Now King’s problems stem from a woman who doesn’t respect him.
He later laments about how she treats him like a clown, on top of
various grievous sins. Basically, he was just kind of foolish in
selecting someone to fall for. Hey, these things happen. It could
be worse, though, as Stevie Ray Vaughan demonstrates in "The Things
(That) I Used To Do."
Stevie Ray had a pretty tough life, so when he plays, he sounds
mighty authentic. His Stratocaster screams pain like a wounded
animal, and Double Trouble, his backing band, supports him handily.
The man was a simply amazing musician, equally credible as any of
the Gods of Blues. "Things" was originally written by Guitar Slim,
but Vaughan’s heartfelt rendition transforms the tune into a
personal tale, one that anyone can relate to.
In this song, Stevie’s got himself a different sort of woe: His
girlfriend is cheating on him. Now there’s a pleasant one, huh? "I
used to search all night for you darlin’/ Lord, and my search would
always end in vain," he screams, his scratchy vocals snaring the
sentiment of betrayal and deceit perfectly. It doesn’t matter,
though. "But I knew all the time darlin’/ That you was hid out wit’
your other man."
Even in the face of her infidelity, he’s still sticking with
her. That right there ought to win Stevie Ray some kind of
outstanding character award. You can overlook an awful lot of
things in a relationship, but cheating isn’t one of them. It’s
crummy, it hurts, it’s downright evil, but it still happens every
day. Keep that in mind when you’re stuck in your room, watching
"Breakfast At Tiffany’s" on Sunday night.
Those last two songs have used women as examples of why love
sucks, but it’s sure not limited to one sex. Men are pretty nasty
too, when you get right down to it. For a little sketch about this,
look to Koko Taylor’s "Stop Watching Your Enemies."
Songs about cheating, no-good, scheming women can get a little
tiresome. There’s nothing inherently evil about ladies, though you
would begin to think so if you listen to enough of these songs. As
a female songwriter, Taylor shows that guys can be equally
scummy.
In the song, she comes home after a long night of work to find
another woman’s nightgown on her floor. Nice welcome back, huh?
While she was out trying to earn a buck, her man was sleeping
around with her best friend. Talk about your double-barreled
attack, there. "Stop watching your enemies, keep your eyes on your
so called friends," she sings, "They’re the ones that break your
heart, and take your man in the end."
It’s not that men or women are particularly rotten, deep down.
Neither sex has cornered the evil market, there’s plenty of both to
fill it up. It doesn’t take Koko Taylor to show that though; every
day life will demonstrate it just fine.
Some people deal with those harsh realities well; others don’t.
Even if you’re a generally positive person, it’s kind of a guilty
pleasure to be vindictive every now and then. A relationship ship
founders on the rocks, and you try to be happy and move on. In a
little corner of your mind, though, there’s always a little bit of
bitterness.
As a final cancion del amor, we can look to Chris Isaak, the
king of the screwed up relationships, for solidarity. A whole
plethora of Isaak’s tunes deals with the untimely death of romance,
but none more perfectly than "Blue Spanish Sky." Depression is a
lot easier to take if you’ve got a vengeful notion in the back of
your mind.
It sounds screwy, but it’s true. You don’t necessarily have to
go out and do anything – in fact, it’s better if you don’t – but it
makes things a little easier if you know the other person’s having
things as tough as you are. Isaak knows this extremely well.
"It’s a big, blue Spanish sky/ I lay on my back, and watch the
clouds roll by," he sings, in that trademark melancholy voice. "I
only wish I could make you cry, like I do."
Sure, it’s a little mean, it’s a lot cynical, but it’s also very
true. Life sucks that way, sometimes. Don’t repress those urges at
this time of year; welcome them. It’s nice to spread the misery
around, isn’t it?
Sure, sure, it may seem like this is an awfully bleak picture of
romance. You’re right, it is. Don’t completely write off love and
all that as being just a colossal waste, because it really isn’t.
Just remember that matters of the heart aren’t limited to chocolate
and flowers, and being alone at this time of year isn’t really all
that big of a deal.
Hopkins thinks you should still watch your enemies. You can
contact him at asropic@hotmail.com.
Comments, feedback, problems?
© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board[Home]