Friday, February 12, 1999
Cheating Hearts
As Valentine’s Day nears, Bruins recount their
experiences with infidelity and how those
indiscretions changed their
outlook on
relationships
By Mara Schiavo-Campo
Daily Bruin Contributor
Cupid has a cruel sense of humor. It is not enough for him to
sling love-poisoned arrows at the unsuspecting single population –
sometimes the mischievous little cherub plays the ultimate
practical joke. He aims his ammunition at those already in a
relationship, creating potholes along the road to love.
In a talk-show world of gossip where every other Jerry Springer
show is titled "Love secrets revealed," cheating in relationships
is nothing new.
Kevin Johnson, a third-year English student, is familiar with
the struggles of fidelity.
"Last year I had a girlfriend back home," he said, "and before
Valentine’s Day I started talking to this girl here at school."
In an effort to manage the strain of having two Valentines,
Johnson bought gifts for the girl at UCLA and planned to get his
girlfriend a gift when he went home after the weekend.
Problems arose when Johnson, walking with his new friend and
carrying the gifts he had bought for her – balloons, a stuffed
animal and candy – ran into his girlfriend’s sister.
"It was timed so perfectly that I couldn’t have walked by her
sister with out bumping her," he said, stressing the irony of the
story.
"I was just like, ‘Oh man, she’s about to call her sister right
now. There’s nothing I can do, there’s no way I can get out of
this,’" he said.
Johnson was right, as there was no easy way out of the situation
and his girlfriend broke up with him the next day.
Most people, however, rarely encounter dramatic situations such
as Johnson’s. Instead, they often get away with their
infidelity.
Jeremy, a fourth-year sociology student, has been with his
girlfriend approximately eight months and estimated that he has
cheated on her three or four times. He explained his infidelity as
a consequence of the male desire for variety.
"As a young male, you’re always on the hunt for something
different," Jeremy said.
"You don’t want to keep eating the same Lucky Charms all the
time; some days you want your Crunch Berries," he said.
Jeremy’s rationale is shared by many men who claim to be easily
distracted by the potential for something new.
Tim, a second-year history student, also has a habit of
infidelity. He said that he has had five girlfriends in his life
and has cheated on them an estimated 17 times.
"I’ve never been faithful to one girl for as long as I’ve been
with her," he said. "Being with one girl gets boring."
Men, however, are not the only ones seeking variety outside of
their relationships. Women are also subject to being bitten by the
cheating bug, despite the fact that they are often credited with
being the more emotional, less sexually driven sex.
Stacy, a second-year undeclared student, has been in a
long-distance relationship for 13 months. In that time, she
estimated that she has cheated with 10 people.
Following the example of our ever evasive President Clinton,
Stacy does not label her activities as cheating.
"My boyfriend would call it cheating if he knew," she said. "I
call it keeping my options open and meeting other people."
Stacy defined "open options" as dating, talking on the phone and
sometimes fooling around. She said, though, that she does not have
sex with other people.
Aside from being very time- and energy-consuming, there also
exists a certain finesse to cheating in that to be successful, one
mustn’t get caught.
Jeremy juggles his various sexcapades by following certain
guidelines he has set for himself.
"I deal with someone who’s in a whole different world than my
girlfriend," he said. "Also, if you’re going to cheat, keep it to
yourself. You get caught up with all that he-said, she-said."
For Stacy, keeping her cheating a secret is easier because her
boyfriend is farther away – in northern California.
She said the farthest she would have to go to protect her
interests would be to stretch the truth a little.
The prevalence of cheating at the college level is the result of
a combination of factors.
Paul Abramson, professor of psychology, cited factors that could
lead to cheating, which include: being away from home for the first
time, exposure to many potential partners, and normal
development.
"It’s a combination of having access to many potential dating
partners as well as to be in a stage in one’s life where sexual
exploration is both healthy and necessary prior to long-term
commitments," he said.
Cheating in college may create a pattern for future
relationships. According to the Home Arts Network, surveys of
married couples reveal that 21 percent of men and 11 percent of
women will engage in an extramarital affair at some point in their
marriages.
While many people feel that an honest mate is about as real as
the tooth fairy, faithful people do exist; they’re just a little
harder to come by.
Kathy, a third-year sociology student, has been with her
boyfriend for four months. So far, her record is clean and she said
that she has never cheated in any relationship.
While Kathy said that from time to time someone may catch her
attention, she places personal respect for her boyfriend before her
desire for lustful gratification.
"People aren’t objects to be fooled around with," she said.
"It all comes down to thinking of others more than you think of
yourself. If you care about a person, at least treat them like a
human being, " Kathy said.
Part of the reason Kathy feels so strongly toward fidelity may
be because she was the victim when her high school boyfriend
cheated on her.
She said that the pain she felt was not so much from the act
itself, but more from the fact that he didn’t respect her enough to
tell her the truth.
For Tim, realizing the pain he caused by cheating has led to him
to stay away from relationships, saying that he’s not ready to be
committed.
Right now, even the girl of his dreams couldn’t keep his
undivided attention.
"I hope I don’t meet (the perfect girl) for a couple of years,"
he said. "I don’t think right now I’m capable of being
faithful."
Jeremy also tends to get slight attacks of conscience from time
to time; however they are never strong enough for him to commit to
being committed. He said he doesn’t believe he will be capable of
fidelity until he is engaged or married.
Stacy showed very little remorse about her wandering affections.
She said that she cannot be faithful until she is sure that she has
found the right person.
The lack of honest commitment and moral conscience may leave
many people feeling hopeless as they shuffle around in the dating
scene.
There’s no sure fire way to be sure one’s mate will be faithful.
Just keep your fingers crossed in hopes that Cupid finds a new way
to get his kicks.
Comments, feedback, problems?
© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board[Home]