Monday, February 8, 1999
America makes TV a religious experience
TELEVISION: Audiences turn search for meaning into mindless
diversion
According to a recent survey, the average American watches 27.5
hours of television a day. This figure was released with another
survey that stated Americans’ mathematics abilities are even lower
than previously calculated, owing to an error in calculation.
It’s not a surprise that people are watching more television,
given the rising quality of programming available. Dear God, what
am I saying? This stuff is crap! That’s why I’d like to suggest a
few shows of my own.
"Friends 2"
This is a sitcom that centers around a bunch of Generation X,
sassy New Yorkers who spend most of their time saying sassy things
to each other, which in turn renders them sassier. It’s pretty much
like the original "Friends", only in my version the New Yorkers
actually have New York accents.
"Touched by a Devil"
This make-over of the piously nauseating "Touched by an Angel"
would still star Roma Downey, only in this show she has fallen from
grace, and runs around raping and pillaging, wearing skimpy leather
whenever possible. If you’re looking for a joke about her hair
being possessed, score yourself three Dougly points for reading my
last column. If not, you’ll just have to wonder what in the world
I’m talking about. You’re probably all wondering that anyway.
"Misty Lane"
This would be another "drama" from the creators of "Dawson’s
Creek." The main difference would be that the teenagers in this
drama don’t speak using the Queen’s English.
For example, on "Dawson’s Creek," Pacey might say, "Yes Dawson,
I think it is an excellent idea to enjoy a little soiree with our
friends, and in fact I would be delighted to accompany you." But on
"Misty Lane," Kelso (TV Law number one: In every group of friends
there is at least one weird guy who goes by his last name) would
say, "Uh, dude, you know that, like, um, thing, you know? Well, it
would be so like, you know, if we all, dude, went, um, like, dude
like, like, in a, you know, bi-otch?"
"The Real World Jerusalem"
This is the true story of seven zealots, picked to live in a
hovel, and have their lives videotaped.
"LAPD White"
Unlike "NYPD Blue," which mostly deals with drugs and murder in
New York, "LAPD White" would deal with crime that hits a lot closer
to home.
In one episode, for example, a white guy is smuggling crystal
meth into a kindergarten class and gets away with it because at the
same time the cops are booking a black guy with four years in
prison for a busted tail light.
Well, enough of that silliness. Now for some new silliness.
People didn’t always turn to television for their fix of drama.
A long time ago they used to read things called "books." You might
know what books are. They’re those things filled with pictures of
paramecia you get at Ackerman for $95 a pop.
So why is it we all need to delve into fiction? Some would say
it’s because we need to escape our meaningless existences.
I personally don’t believe that. If you’re really that desperate
to escape, suicide is a far more effective method. (Note: the
author is in no way advocating the use of suicide, unless of course
you’re really really annoying. Thank you.) Wouldn’t that be an
interesting form of escapism?
"Tonight on ’60 Minutes’, Andy Rooney prattles on about barns or
something, and later, it’s time for you viewers at home to
participate in the Hari-Kari hour of fun, followed by David
Letterman, if any of you are alive to see it."
The real reason people read books, go to movies, and yes, even
read books, is because they believe in God. You’re probably
wondering how I made that leap. Some of you have assumed that it
was due to marijuana. Don’t be ridiculous. My glaucoma has nothing
to do with my journalistic duties.
I’m not suggesting people actually worship television, like
"Judge Judyism," "Suddenly Shinto" or even "When Prophets Attack
IV." What I have in mind is much more along the lines of
existentialism. (This is a philosophy wherein French people act
laid back, smoke cigarettes and muse over how stupid Americans are.
It is still practiced to this day.)
The way it works is that the characters in fiction have lives
that are thematically significant and make sense over-all. We
readers and watchers secretly hope that the big playwright in the
sky is writing our lives that way too, and participating in fiction
is a way of saying, "Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy
name, thy kingdom come and we all live happily ever after."
Just think how great it would be if our lives were being written
by a vigilant and creative God. I would get back from class and
have the following conversation with my roommate:
Me: "Hello. How was your day?"
Roomie: "My classes were fine. Did you look outside?"
Me: "No, why – whatever is that?"
Roomie: "It’s a car. It’s a present for you."
Me: "Thank you! And I didn’t even get you anything."
Roomie: "No need. Here’s $50 too, and I invited the Swedish
bikini team to spend the night, if you don’t mind."
Me: "Wow, thank God for my wonderful roommate."
God: "No sweat. Gimme five!"
Well, maybe it wouldn’t happen quite that way. Seeing the way
the universe is going, it’s far more likely that God is actually
Quentin Tarantino. Maybe things are a little more like this:
Me: "Hello Roomie, what’s new?"
Roomie: "I don’t remember asking you a damn thing."
Me: "What?" ("Mama Told Me Not To Come" by Three Dog Night
starts playing.)
Roomie: "Now I’m going to cut off your ear."
God: "Bi-otch!"
Perhaps this sort of Rupert Murdoch Calvinism isn’t what society
is looking for. Maybe we aren’t zoning out to the almighty boob
tube because we secretly hope that God is watching us with the same
intent. Maybe I’m just talking out my ass in order to fill thirty
inches of Daily Bruin column space. Then again, they don’t call it
Must See TV for nothing.
Doug Lief
Lief is a first-year psychology student and a practicing pagan.
You can reach him at dlief@ucla.edu.
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