Ally McBeal, Fox Television’s new short-skirted darling of prime
time, has quickly become a female icon, teetering between
complacent singledom and desperate unattachment. When she talks,
women listen. It’s no wonder, then, that my ears perked up when the
following words came out of Ally’s mouth: "We’re not only wired to
want what we can’t have, but we’re wired to want what we don’t
want. We’re women."
As I heard these words, I ran to my trusty pad and pencil
knowing right then and there that Ally (or should I say, her
writers), had so brilliantly articulated what had been brewing in
my mind all year for my column: the quandary of why young women
often fall for all the "wrong" men – that is, the ones with the
good looks – while constantly complaining there are "no nice guys
out there."
Let me first absolve myself of any forthcoming hate mail. To
begin with, this does not necessarily apply to all heterosexual
single women, since some women have found happiness with both the
most gorgeous and the least striking of men. Also, my argument
could apply equally to men searching for all the wrong women, but
seeing as I am in the latter category of gender, I thought it best
to speak only and thus more explicitly about my own gender.
Now then, you might expect me to unleash the wrath of Lisa upon
all you women out there who are currently dating a guy who could be
a movie star but has the personality of Keanu Reeves and the
intelligence of Beavis and Butthead. Well, I won’t, seeing as I’ve
been down that road once or twice myself. Yes, even I have
successfully battled what I like to call "Triple A syndrome," or
"Addicted to Attractives Anonymous," overcome after three years of
therapy, a boyfriend paraphernalia bonfire and a newfound love for
anything chocolate.
Of course, I’m being facetious. It was only one year of
therapy.
But seriously, the fact is this: we ladies do seem programmed to
want, as Ally says, what we don’t want. If you men are ever privy
to a ladies’ night out filled with estrogen-raging single women, it
will take no more than a half hour for the phrase, "Why aren’t
there any nice guys out there?" to befall the conversation. But it
will take only half a second to hear them check out and comment on
a good-looking man who passes their way.
This is because what we’re really looking for is all wrong.
Because hormones play a role in our conscious thoughts, it seems
that our private parts supercede our smart parts. We (harshly)
judge first with our eyes, so the exterior pretty much sums up
everything else.
Maybe Head and Shoulders commercials have a point – you know,
you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
If you view the situation in simple terms, it does seem simple.
A male entity (intentionally or unintentionally) presents a
stimulus at a distance. Another female entity will receive this
stimulus visually before any other sense. Basically, if we see a
good-looking stranger we’ll likely look him over first, since
sniffing him, touching him, sidling up to hear him speak or licking
him may not make the best impression, at least not at first.
When we search out men, we’re drawn to a strong jaw line, deep
big eyes and a strong physique. Anthropologists will tell you this
drive is innate, for we are seeking out mates who will forage for
us and take care of us. Many young adults will tell you this drive
is purely sexual, for we are seeking out boyfriends, not mates,
(who could commit this early?) who will give us a good time.
I’m all for evolutionary psychology, but I have to agree with
the latter. We’re just in search of a few good (looking) men.
Only after we date some of these guys do we realize that many of
them have been good-looking for a while and thus may have a bit of
an ego, while others are just plain jerks. Many have learned that
they can get away with looks alone to impress and so in many cases,
little else substance develops.
Of course, to add to my previous disclaimer, not all attractive
males are like this. Many, in fact, are quite well-rounded and
mature, but some of them become paired with the wrong women, ones
who are drawn to them based on sexual attraction and little else.
Thus, innumerable relationships like these seem to dissipate
quickly.
Meanwhile, what of the few and far between "nice guys?" Well, I
decided to sit down in person or chat online with a number of
college men, ones who I would classify as "nice guys" for all
intents and purposes. I asked them to tell me how hard it is to be
a nice guy and what they wish they could tell women out there.
What came out more than anything was their frustration and anger
over why girls can’t see the light. And gals, I should let you know
something: these are the guys who will, surprisingly, fulfill the
fantasies of romance that you constantly dream of – flowers, candy
and someone to just hold you.
They may be the guys sitting next to you in class or the men you
meet in the local coffee shop. They may not be GQ, but they’re
certainly not G-erks. They may not come off as the most socially
aggressive, but not for the reasons you’d think. In fact, many of
the guys I spoke with said they often aren’t terribly up front
because they want to be respectful and sincere.
Said one passionate guy, "Women may not see through attractive
men as well as we do because a lot of these good-looking guys are
like salesmen. The women fall for the impressive (but false) front
of the salesman without looking behind them to see the ratty old
(expletive) he’s trying to sell them."
So, one of the best ways to overcome this female disposition may
be to become conscious of the social environments in which we seek
out men. Of course, the social scene is often of little
comfort.
Consider some of the hottest nightlife spots in this city: dance
clubs, busy bars, individual parties and trendy restaurants. What
do they all have in common? They’re loud, they have booze and their
primary function is not conversation, or at least it doesn’t appear
to be as such.
It’s all about appearances and attracting from afar.
If nothing else, I suggest that we females look a little deeper
into the next guy who comes along. Get to know a man before
imposing those unreachable standards that no human being could ever
live up to. Search out a soul who is too afraid to search you out,
and embrace the next man who comes on to you with words other than,
"You look really familiar … have we met before?"
They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but in my
experience the less gaudy gems are often the most precious
stones.
Lisa Silver
Silver is a second-year communication studies student who loves
nothing more than imposing her views upon others. She can be
reached (if you dare) at silver79@ucla.edu.