Monday, November 9, 1998
Getting a blow job does not mean ‘I want you’
FAIRNESS: Most modern women dislike antiquated, chauvinistic
ideals of correct female behavior
For the past three years, I have searched in vain for a "UCLA
MOM" sweatshirt without flowers on it. Apparently, the Associated
Students of UCLA thinks that all moms like flowers. Sure, women
might like to smell them, but does that mean they like to wear
them? I like the smell of brownies, too, but I wouldn’t wear a
brownie-patterned dress.
Yet every Mother’s Day, the student store brims with "UCLA MOM"
shirts, even pots complete with gardening tools and seeds. Who has
time to lounge around and garden? And why do they assume it’s
women? Not all moms are flower moms  mine used to be a flower
child. Now, she’s lucky if she gets out to water the roses once a
month. My little brother does it for her.
For centuries, women have been associated with flowers: frail,
sweet, blowing in the wind, lovely to look upon. Flowers are given
to  and put in the soft tresses of  only the finest
ladies. Well, I ain’t no flower.
Maybe I’m a weed.
This crap has gone on forever. Anyone who has ever read William
Wycherly’s 17th century novel "The Country Wife" knows how long
women have had to pretend that they’re innocent in order to
preserve their honorable reputations while they’re actually
screwing like crazy.
Even Virgin Mary, unbeknownst to her, has contributed to these
myths and false ideals. The perfect, purest woman gets pregnant
without even foreplay? Please. To this day, only if we act meek and
embarrassed, speak softly, chuckle at your jokes, and play nice are
we considered "good girls" and "classy ladies."
So stop telling me how to be a "lady." I don’t even like the
word. "Goddess" is fine. Even "woman" will suffice. But "lady"
gives the wrong connotation: a pleasant, innocent darling who dares
not offend and never takes charge. Ladies like to browse, pose and
please their men. I, on the other hand, like to talk about sex. And
say the f-word.
The other day, my conservative buddy jokingly called me the
female Howard Stern. Not even close to Stern’s echelon of
raunchiness, I remain much undeserved of this ambiguous
compliment.
I love that pervert.
But it got me thinking. Even if I wanted to be the female Howard
Stern, even if I aspired to be him, tried real hard and slept my
way to the top, it would never work.
Society does not like women to be nasty. If we are, we’re
ridiculed, ostracized, misunderstood. Women must have been absent
the day that God handed out the nasty permission slips.
Take Stern’s show, for example, and picture total role reversal
 all the men on his show are women, all the women are men.
How many people would tune in to watch well-endowed men rub lotion
on each other? (Besides me?) Howard Stern talks about blow jobs …
could I get away with the equivalent? Could any woman?
Some brave women have tried with minimal success. Take Roseanne
Barr, who pushed societal buttons for years, first with her
real-life mother persona on her show, then with her crotch-grabbing
rendition of the national anthem and finally with her lesbian kiss
before people even knew how to spell "Ellen".
And what happened? She was practically blacklisted. Her
childhood abuse was exploited. She’s fat and ugly, people said.
They hated her. She’s disgusting. Supposedly, she took it too far.
Yet she wasn’t even in Howard’s league. Not even close.
Surprise, people: women can be nasty too. Their flower days are
over. They like sex. They even talk about sex. Explicitly. Boys,
you can bet that if a woman has seen any part of your body, her
roommates have received an impeccable description accompanied by a
diagram. They know the size, the shape, the amount of hair on your
butt. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that women adhere to
supposed norms of politeness. We have new norms now.
One of these new and improved norms deals with who we choose to
have sex with. Not just our boyfriends. Not just our
boyfriends-to-be. Some of us like to have sex without being
involved in a relationship. I can’t speak for all women but I can
speak for quite a few when I say that sometimes we like to have sex
just for sex’s sake.
The absurdity of this misconception was brought to my attention
as I flipped through a major magazine last week and found an
article titled, "Just because I slept with you doesn’t mean I’m
your boyfriend." Um, and just because I gave you a blow job doesn’t
mean I’m your girlfriend! (Or that I ever want to talk to you
again.) Not only do some women have no interest in relationships,
but some just like giving blow jobs. Bet that blows your mind.
"Men aren’t always looking for deep conversation," the article
continued. And I loved this, "Consider the difference between a
man’s and a woman’s post-coital state: You’re (addresses women
readers) thinking, ‘I have a new boyfriend. Where should we go to
brunch tomorrow?’ But the only thing going through his head,
assuming he’s thinking anything at all, is ‘Uh, excellent. I just
got laid’." Lovely. But to be correct, the woman is probably
thinking, "Uh, that sucks. I just faked an orgasm."
This utterly sexist column appeared in the Fall 1998 issue of
"Cosmocollege," a magazine aimed at intelligent, collegiate women.
The column was written by an anonymous male but his editors,
presumably women, are equally to blame.
A magazine for women should destroy, not enforce, ridiculous
notions surrounding sex. But they allowed him to warn their female
readers (whom they must think are looking for marriage partners),
that college men only want non-committal sex while college women
want long-term bliss.
"Not I" said the fly.
Obviously the article stereotypes men as well, but my focus is
on women, because, after all, I am one. The female editors are as
much at fault as the male columnist. Many women contribute to and
enforce sexist stereotypes and gender roles. They judge their
sisters by old school standards of what is appropriate. She’s a
whore, a slut, just because she nailed the guy you wanted.
Why can’t we, as women, own up to our own desires? We love sex.
We should not hate each other for loving sex. Men should not hate
us for loving sex. They should not get offended when we try to show
them how we can have better sex. We all have more Roseanne in us
than Donna Reed.
One of my old roommates, a female, was practically a nympho by
society’s misinformed standards. At 6 p.m. she would say, "I want
to have sex tonight" and by the end of the night she would have had
it. She would even give her mom details about the guy’s
you-know-what. I would say penis, but I’d hate to be crass. I’d
hate to be unladylike and use dirty words.
Don’t dismiss it as the liberal ’90s anymore, folks. It’s not
just a phase, it’s not a backlash against the freaking
conservatives who try to stifle gay rights, prevent schools from
distributing condoms, dismantle the National Endowment for the
Arts. That deserved backlash exists, thank God, but this is not
part of it.
This is about women having the freedom to do what they want, act
how they choose and screw whom they feel.
And I don’t want to have to say "excuse my vulgarity" after
that.Stephanie Pfeffer
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