Friday, October 23, 1998
Miscommunication leads to relationship problems
ASSUMPTIONS: Different ways of reading ‘signals’ can lead to bad
situations
By Brett Wheeler
It certainly isn’t groundbreaking news that men and women are
different from one another. (Please forgive the assumption of
heterosexuality, but I am writing specifically about the straight
community.)
Any of us can walk into a bookstore and find an entire section
devoted to telling us, in essence, whether we are from Mars or
Venus. Unfortunately, these differences  like the differences
between people of different ethnicities, cultures, sexual
orientations, etc. Â are often the source of
misunderstandings, conflict and even violence. In order to avoid
these problems in our relationships, it is vital to examine and try
to understand these differences. This is, however, easier said than
done.
Many women, both friends and strangers, will often ask me in
frustration "Why do guys do that?" I suppose people feel that as a
men’s educator, I am qualified to represent "my people" (i.e. men)
on all matters. I may respond in a variety of ways, by explaining
that all men are different or describing some of the social
pressures most men face on a daily basis.
Trying to understand these issues is a lot of work, though, and
I suppose it would be easier to simply shrug and say "Because guys
are jerks." But such a statement would be unfair and wildly
inaccurate, just like most of the easy answers we look for in
life’s complicated questions.
Sex and sexuality are subjects particularly vulnerable to
misunderstandings. They are already surrounded by myriad cultural
taboos, which makes it difficult for many people to talk openly
about them. When we add gender differences to the mix, we are
creating a situation that is uncomfortable at best  and
violent at worst.
One of the most important things for both men and women to
understand is that men tend to interpret behaviors much more
sexually than women intend. For example, I will often use the
following interactive exercise with groups to demonstrate gender
differences in thought.
I will ask only women the following question: "Let’s say you’re
getting ready for a date. You put on your sexiest black dress, do
your hair and your make-up. Why might you do all of this
stuff?"
The answers are always in the same vein: "To feel good about
myself." "To look nice." "To impress my date." "To get some
attention." Then I ask men the following question: "You meet your
date for the evening. She is wearing a sexy black dress, her hair
and make-up are all done up. What is the first thing that goes
through your mind?"
Those who are willing to answer often laugh and say: "I’m going
to get some tonight!"
First of all, let me say that neither of these responses is bad,
in and of itself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice,
wanting attention or wanting to have sex.
Without some communication, however, this is already a
potentially dangerous situation. When men and women don’t
communicate, they leave the actions of their partners up to those
same flawed interpretations that elicited such different answers in
the black dress example.
The worst, and unfortunately common, outcomes of such
misunderstandings are things like sexual assault and relationship
violence. If I assume my partner wants to have sex because of the
way that she’s dressed, her level of intoxication, or her
willingness to kiss or touch, I am making a mistake. The reason I
know this is that I have never heard a woman say to me "I would
wear that black dress because I want my date to know I want to have
sex with him that night."
More importantly, if even one woman is wearing that dress simply
to feel good about herself, my assumption about "getting some" is
wrong, because I can’t be certain without asking. We aren’t mind
readers. Without clear verbal consent, we are risking sexual
assault, violence and all that comes with those actions.
Women should be aware of this disparity as well. It is important
to understand that some men, under some circumstances, may assume
that you want to have sex with them based on the way you are
dressed, if you are drinking, if you have kissed them or if you
have had sex before.
While the ultimate responsibility for not committing assault
always rests on the aggressor (usually the man), women need to be
empowered to make their messages clear and direct  regardless
of whether that message is yes or no.
Being coy, intentionally sending mixed messages, and saying no
when you really mean yes are extremely dangerous and can help to
reinforce the assumptions men make about women and sex.
Once again, only the attacker is responsible for committing an
assault, but women can and should feel free to be completely clear
in their communication with men, even if this means being rude or
hurting someone’s feelings.
Still, even if a man suspects a woman is saying no when she
means yes, he simply has to stop, because we are all different and
a woman that has been trained to be "lady-like" may be saying no as
firmly as she can.
We can only rely on what we’re told, not what we assume. Let’s
face it, if we only had to rely on assumptions, we’d all pretty
much assume that anyone we’re attracted to wanted to have sex with
us at any given moment. Stop. Ask. Clarify.
Besides, if you are with someone that is vacillating between no
and yes, you’re on dangerous ground. You can’t know for sure what
they really want, and you don’t know what they’re telling other
people. Protect yourself by obtaining clear consent every time.
Nobody likes to hear no  but it’s better to back away than to
ruin your life and/or the life of the person you’re with.
Other factors, especially drugs and alcohol, can impede our
ability to communicate effectively. In fact, according to the law,
having sex with someone who is unconscious or unable to give
consent because of drugs or alcohol is illegal.
(Note to anyone that just thought "But what if they’re both
drunk?" Intoxication is not a legal defense. If you rape someone
while drunk, whether they were drunk or not, you are still
responsible. You’re not going to get out of driving under the
influence because you were too drunk to know what you were doing
 the same is true of rape.) Do yourself a favor and stay away
from the gray areas  those "What if" situations we can all
think of. Stop. Ask. Clarify.
Yes, miscommunication and its by-products like anger can cause
sexual violence. Yes, men commit the vast majority of these crimes.
Most men, however, do not rape. Still, it is in the interests of
all men and women to be open and honest about sex and desire. Even
if you are a man and don’t feel particularly vulnerable to sexual
assault (which is not necessarily the case), know that each man has
women in his life. Communicate with your partners and demand it of
other men, and you are contributing to a safer environment for all
of us.
If it were up to me, you would all have as much fun, safe,
consensual sex as you wanted.
Until we figure out the perfect system, though, take care of
yourselves and your partners by communicating with and respecting
them.
Comments, feedback, problems?
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