Monday, May 18
Coffee table literature holds all answers to life’s
mysteries
Modern Bride, Newsweek tell readers what’s really
importantSometimes, it’s easy to get so caught up in chatter, of
all kinds, that we never really live – only analyze, blab and stew
in our own vile stagnation. We fall into the throes of a vicious
vibe that has us looking at pictures of happier times when we were
all laughing and joking and … well.So I have, in a mess of
confusion and desire for a better perspective, found myself
searching for answers. To right the wrongs which may prove
irreconcilable. I must consult the oracles. Yes, to the living room
coffee table I go. Entertainment Weekly: "Asteroids! Aliens!
Avengers! And A Really Big Lizard!"This proves promising. Let’s see
what’s inside.We find a promo of "Godzilla," in which the words
surround a big monster attacking people. Scary. Then there’s a
discussion of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," based on the Hunter
S. Thompson novel, which, incidentally, inspired me to become a
journalist in the first place. However, it stars pretty boy Johnny
Depp. I sort of imagined some scummy, crazed-headed lunatic with
one eye and an uncontrollable itch. Hey, you choose your idols and
I’ll choose mine.Anyway, all they really do is advertise the
flicks. It seems that Depp "… sucked Hunter’s soul out of him –
he drove his car and wore his clothes." See, I guess that’s where
the internal, deep, hidden aspects of our souls lie – in our cars
and our clothes.Quite a helpful literary rag.Then there’s Modern
Bride, the magazine subscription that the person who used to live
in our apartment never forwarded to her new address.It reads "Look
your best! The lowdown on skin, hair, makeup, nails and body." That
should be a big help in my personal crises. Let’s investigate.Two
months before my wedding, I should begin worrying about my skin.
Six months before, I should "start attacking that acne," and at
some point I’m supposed to be concerned with "that last 10 pounds."
Hmm … As relevant as all of these issues first appear, I’m
guessing I have time to concentrate my attention on other aspects
of my life first. Though, I know, we must never pause in our
ongoing struggle to choose the correct pastels to accentuate our
natural skin tones.Next!Newsweek: "Billy the Gay Doll gets dressed
up by fashion designers." Then, we must consider that "today’s
elaborate games rarely come close to emulating the entertainment
value of Donkey Kong." Oh yes, we must not dismiss this fact.Then
there’s "The Official Melrose Place Companion" book. An absolute
necessity, no doubt. What rare insights might it afford us?There’s
a Courtney Thorne-Smith Q & A, where she informs us that she
would like to see Allison and Amanda have a romance. She then goes
on to suggest that Allison’s favorite album might be The Village
People’s "Live and Sleazy," because it was the first album that she
ever purchased.Wow. I’m proud to be privy to this burning
information. Thank you, David Wild, for writing this historic
document and allowing me to better understand the existances at the
heart of this important television drama.Moving on.Maybe the answer
is to take up pumpkin carving as a hobby. With "The Pumpkin Carving
Book" I can learn how to "create glowing autumn gourds." I can
master how to make a "Turk’s Turban and Sweet Dumpling Lantern" as
well as "Letters and Numbers."The latter involves cutting, you
guessed it, letters and numbers upon the pumpkin. Apparently,
without "The Pumpkin Carving Book," the logistics involved in
conquering this task would be much too difficult to even
consider.We then peruse the poetry of Brenda Hillman. She writes of
sex and "Male Nipples." Hmm … I like Brenda Hillman. I should be
writing poetry, not worrying myself over stupid social hypocrasies.
Screw Å’em. No more tears, I should just go and get laid by
someone … no, I mean, write poetry. Yeah. That’s it. Or get laid.
Maybe both.Okay, I’ll write poetry now, then find someone and get
laid, then write about getting laid. It’s like a two for one deal.
Excellent.But then, I must consult my comic books. Is this the
right decision, oh voice of isolation and tortured artistry?"Broken
Fender No. 5" suggests that as long as I don’t break my heart and
ride in pick-up trucks, I’m OK. Meanwhile, "Spectacles No. 2" has
some woman exposing herself as she lifts up her quilting project,
commanding her man to "get naked, slave, and come here on your
hands and knees! Lick me!" Rather racey, I cannot deny.So, I should
get laid, write poetry and draw pictures. As I suspected all along.
Thank you, oh coffee table oracles, for offering me such prophetic
insights. I knew I could trust you to right the wrongs of
society.VanderZanden is a third-year English student.Vanessa
Vanderzanden