Thursday, May 14, 1998
Nothing but the very best for Jerry
COLUMN: Classic ‘Seinfeld’ episodes serve to send fab four off
into sitcom history
It’s sad we’ve been made into a crowd of well-wishers by being
asked to see "Seinfeld" off tonight, its last prime-time evening on
earth. (The bon voyage begins at 6 p.m., with KTLA showing four
episodes in a row before NBC airs its two-hour special at 8 p.m.,
which includes a retrospective of the past nine seasons and the
grand finale.) In a matter of hours, the final credits will roll,
giving us enough time to turn to one another and say, "You know,
for a while there we had it pretty good."
And you know, we really did. What "Seinfeld" did for television
was revolutionary. With the show’s ingenious plot convolutions,
brazenly witty talking heads and tasty pop-luck of allusions – of
headline news, cultural sways, literature, film – suddenly not only
was it hip to be smart, but being smart was the best way to stay on
the air.
Sure, the show’s main staple was making fun of the "other." But
"Seinfeld" was always an equal-opportunity offender, and actually
the fab four spent most of their time kvetching about their own
yada-yada lives.
Most of all, the show almost single-handedly demolished all the
last vestiges of the atrocious "Full House" era, where the lowest
common denominator of shows like "Family Matters" and "Home
Improvement" kept dumping family-valued doggerel at our feet. So
when you watch a "Frasier," a "Larry Sanders Show," the first
season of "Friends," a "Simpson" episode that keeps getting
smarter, or an "Ally McBeal," remember that there was darkness
before light.
Here’s a top-10 list just to get you guys in the mood:
10. "The Pick," first aired on Dec. 16, 1992.
Though the episode has a funny bit with Kramer becoming a Calvin
Klein underwear model, "The Pick" is best known for advancing this
question: Was there or was there not penetration? We know the
truth, but Jerry’s girlfriend saw what she saw and won’t speak to
him. But gradually the truth becomes neither here nor there as
Jerry becomes an impassioned activist for all the nose pickers out
there who are one finger short of making a fist: "When we pick, do
we not bleed? … I am not an animal!"
9. "The Serenity Now," first aired Oct. 9, 1997
Along with Jerry’s rare emotional stirrings and Mr. Costanza’s
new-found dictum which titles this episode, Kramer gets ahold of a
screen door for his apartment and suddenly he’s in Dancer, Texas,
U.S. of A. With flower pots, a lawn chair, a glass of lemonade and
a big ol’ American flag propped up outside his door, Kramer
indulges in one of his most lavishly preposterous illusions, even
chasing kids away from his front yard.
8. "The Chinese Restaurant," first aired May 23, 1991
Perhaps the most famous episode of all time – about Jerry,
George and Elaine waiting for a Chinese dinner which will
undoubtedly leave them hungry afterwards (because they won’t get
any) – it definitively signed the declaration for the show’s truly
independent vision. But for the paramount episode about nothing,
the laughs are a fortune, cookie.
7. "The Pez Dispenser," first aired Jan. 15, 1992
Kramer pitches a fragrance that smells like the ocean (which
Calvin Klein would steal in "The Pick") and Jerry explains the
virtues of a "preemptive breakup." And for some weird reason Jerry
places an upright Pez-dropping Tweety Bird on Elaine’s lap during a
music recital. Why we and Elaine would find this trinket
uproariously funny is testimony to the creators’ perceptive and
extremely bizarre sense of the world.
6. "The Soup Nazi," first aired Nov. 2, 1995
Based on a real soup vendor in New York, the Soup Nazi only
ladles out his broth-erly love to those who follow his fascist
rules and ask no questions. Skeptical of the soup’s goodness,
Elaine finally takes a spoon of it and says with weak-kneed orgasm,
"Oh my god, I have to sit down." A classic.
5. "The Implant," first aired Feb. 25, 1993
Teri Hatcher plays Jerry’s girlfriend, who has these incredible
breasts which no one thinks are real. One day she and Elaine find
themselves in the same sauna room and when Elaine goes over to
introduce herself, she accidentally trips. The two intercut point
of views are a riot: We see Elaine’s eyes utterly helpless in her
disastrous momentum, and the screaming horror on Hatcher’s face as
she sees two open hands heading straight for her boobs. Oh, by the
way, "they are real, and they’re spectacular."
4. "The Pool Guy," first aired Nov. 16, 1995
When Elaine realizes she has no bosomed buddies, she starts
hanging around with Susan (George’s fiancee). This gives George
multiple seizures, for no good can come from converging
"relationship George" with "independent George." But Kramer’s
shenanigans top even that: His new phone number is so similar to
Movie Fone’s that people start calling him for show times. Kramer,
always aiming to please, takes the gig: "Using your touch-tone
dial, press the first three letters of the movie you would like to
see." Of course, he can’t decipher the beeps, to which Kramer
responds with the same hilarious phone-recording voice: "Why don’t
you just tell me what movie you would like to see."
3. "The Airport," first aired Nov. 25, 1992
Nothing’s more titillating than seeing Elaine in agony – so
perfect in an imperfect world that Jerry should sit pretty in first
class while Elaine struggles for dear life in coach. In the scene
after Elaine opens the door to her lavatory and is knocked over by
the oppressive stench of the throne’s prior king, we see Jerry in
his world asking his beautiful stewardess, "Were those lilacs I saw
in the bathroom?"
2. "The Contest," first aired Nov. 18, 1992
Mrs. Costanza catches George masturbating with a copy of Glamour
magazine. Need we say more?
1. "The Boyfriend," first aired Feb. 12, 1992
This hour-long episode is indeed the magnum opus of the series,
where Jerry becomes buddy-buddy with New York Met Keith Hernandez,
playing himself, who eventually falls for Elaine. Jerry seems irked
by their romance, much to Elaine’s confusion: "Wait a minute, are
you jealous of Keith or are you jealous of me?" The funny thing is,
Jerry’s not sure himself. Jerry then backs out of helping Keith
move, considering that type of commitment as "going all the way,"
which Jerry is clearly not ready for. And at the very conclusion,
we discover the reason Kramer and Newman hate Hernandez so much,
revealed in a knock-out "JFK" spoof which slowly dismantles the
"magic loogie" theory and finds a shady Roddy MacDowell among the
grassy knolls.
It really doesn’t get any better than this. So for the cast and
crew of "Seinfeld," we like to say, "So long, you did good and
thank you for all those sweet nothings."
You can e-mail Nguyen with your own favorite episodes at
tommyn@ucla.edu.
Tommy Nguyen