Monday, April 27, 1998
Techno blues
TECHNOLOGY: Fast pace of innovation threatens to render
everybody obsolete
It never fails. There I’ll be, calmly sitting in lecture,
listening to the soothing drone of my professor as he goes on and
on about strong, rebellious Jane Eyre. My eyes will begin to glaze
over, and I’ll begin my gradual descent into a comatose state as my
body slowly begins to shut down. All of a sudden … Beep! Beep!
Beep!
I lurch to my senses, knocking over my neighbor’s lecture notes
in the process. The torment continues, seeming to grow in strength
and annoyance.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
What the hell is that? I start to panic. Is there a fire? Are we
getting bombed? Shouldn’t I stop, drop and roll or something? Then
I see her, two rows in front of me. She’s rummaging furiously
through her backpack, spilling papers, throwing books around,
causing chaos. Now she’s looking through her purse, now her coat.
Wait! There. She’s found it! It was in her right pants pocket. She
pulls out the instrument of torture for everyone to see. Damned
pager.
What is the matter with you people? Why is your pager blowing up
in my early morning lecture? You know you’re not good-looking
enough to be getting a booty call at 9:15 a.m. Don’t you know that
pagers lost their coolness back in the early ’90s? It happened
right after they started coming out in they those bright fuchsia
colors. I don’t need to know when somebody is trying to get in
touch with you, okay?
And try reading that little manual that came with your pager. It
has this nifty little section called "alert sounds." Within this
section, you will find a setting called "vibrate." Say it with me.
"Vibrate." Very good. Damned inconsiderate bastards, waking me up
in the middle of lecture. Be a little courteous next time.
I, sorry to say, also own a pager. It was a birthday gift from
my sister. At first I thought it was going to be a very useful
item. Family and friends can now get in touch with me in
emergencies. How convenient, I thought. Instead, what happens? At
first, all I got were those cutesie messages everybody thinks are
so funny.
Oh, how cute! I just got a "Hello" written with numbers! Ooh,
somebody just sent me "Boobies!" That rascal!
Yeah, my sister’s money is definitely not going to waste
here.
And then I started getting messages from people whom I never
wanted to get a hold of my pager number in the first place.
"Jesse, this is your boss. Your pager number is the only one I
could get a hold of. Would you mind coming in at 8 a.m. tomorrow?
I’d really appreciate it. Thanks."
"Jesse, this is your psycho prom date from four years ago. I got
your pager number from a friend of a friend of a friend of yours.
Gimme a call. If you don’t, I’ll just keep leaving message after
message after message. Talk to you later."
"Jesse, this is your priest. Have you accepted Jesus as your
personal savior? Your soul is in danger of burning in the eternal
fire. Gimme a call."
Technology bugs me. I have problems with anything that beeps or
buzzes or blips. Just the other day in my apartment, I had been
typing up something extremely lengthy on my roommate’s computer
when the screen suddenly went blank. I stared for a moment before I
started pressing random buttons. "Esc." Nope. "F6." Nope. "Scroll
Lock." Nope. Blind panic.
I started pressing all of the buttons my hands could cover at
one time. Uh oh. At that point I stood up. I counted to 10 and then
in a fit of fury, I started slapping the monitor to and fro. My
roommate heard the commotion, ran in, saw me delivering the
beat-down to his computer and promptly tackled me. Thankfully, he
gave me a few quick slaps to settle me down. Upon analysis, it was
discovered that I had accidentally touched the sensitive on/off
switch on the computer. No memory lost.
I think I started losing respect for all that is technological
after I watched my beloved Atari system descend into the pit of
technological has-beens. No more Pac-Man, no more Space Invaders
for me. Now it’s these new fangdangled games that have too many
buttons, too many characters. Whatever happened to Pong? Blip,
blop, blip, blop. Or my man Q-Bert? Boing, boing, boing, boing.
Sometimes, whenever I feel nostalgic, I like to go into the arcade
in Ackerman. Now that’s something not everybody likes to admit, so
let me be the first.
Anyway, I go into the arcade, I push past the droids lingering
around the huge video games that cost about a $1,000 to play and I
head straight for the back. There I meet with my old flame – Ms.
Pacman. Cherry, banana, orange, peach – yeah, baby! Oh, the
memories!
I think my biggest problem with technology is that I always feel
like I’m trying to catch up. Just when I think I’ve got a good
handle on the situation, everybody suddenly changes all of the
rules.
Two days after buying a new computer, it becomes obsolete. New
special TVs that I can’t afford, pager watches, Internet service
faster than the speed of Skip Hicks, on-line classes, DVD, new,
faster, better, hurry, hurry, get ahead, catch up, quick, don’t get
left behind!
I wish I could slow down a bit, get off that electronic
superhighway for a while, catch my breath, maybe take a trip down
to the beach or go hiking somewhere green. And I don’t mean a
virtual hike either.
But the world stops for no man. Spend some time away and by the
time you get back, maybe you’ll be obsolete too.
Maybe I should learn to embrace my technological side. Maybe
spend my afternoon in Circuit City or something. Soak up some of
that flashy electric ambience.
Hmm, maybe tomorrow …
I think I hear my pager beeping. Gotta go!
Jesse Torres