Friday, February 20, 1998
Screenscene
FILM
"I Love You … Don’t Touch Me!"
Directed by Julie Davis
Starring Marla Schaffel, Mitchell Whitfield and Michael
Harris
Great, another movie devoted to sex, sex and more sex. You’re
probably thinking "Indecent Proposal," "Boogie Nights" or
"Threesome." But wait! Try a movie about, of all things, virginity
– the long and agonizing road of being a 25-year-old virgin in the
’90s.
It explains the film’s unusual, but profoundly catchy title. "I
Love You … Don’t Touch Me!" is a comedy about Katie (Schaffel), a
young woman searching for her romantic ideal in the Los Angeles
singles scene. Meanwhile, her best friend Ben (Whitfield), who is
openly in love with her, must stand by and watch her fall for jerk
after jerk. When she finally does think she’s met Mr. Perfect
(Harris), she realizes that Mr. Perfect doesn’t necessarily mean
Mr.Right.
Throughout the movie, friends and family inundate her with
unwanted advice about giving in to her sexual desires and giving up
her ideals.
"I Love You" is great at examining the life of an independent
’90s woman who must deal with the complex issues of sex every day.
Especially since it seems like everyone is doing it, except for
her.
It also has some interesting dialogue with a number of memorable
lines. For instance, in one scene when Katie is about to engage in
casual sex, she stops and asks her apathetic partner, "Didn’t your
mother ever tell you, you are what you eat?"
Great premise, great story, great dialogue … now if only
Schaffel wasn’t so darn unlikable. Although she does a somewhat
adequate job in acting, she fails to establish the necessary
connection with the audience to make them truly care about her
character. Some of the dialogue, clever as it is, just doesn’t seem
right coming out of her mouth. And even to the untrained ear, in
scenes when Schaffel, a veteran of Broadway musicals, must sing in
a nightclub, there’s nothing you can do but squirm in artistic
(maybe even physical, mental and psychological) pain.
But if you can get beyond Schaffel’s mediocre performance, it’s
a great movie, well worth seeing. Too bad she’s in every scene of
the movie.
Louise Chu
Grade: B-
"Senseless"
Directed by Penelope Spheeris
Starring Marlon Wayans, David Spade and Matthew Lillard
At least the name of the movie is appropriate. After watching
this new "comedy," moviegoers may be wondering how sensible the
filmmakers and actors were when they decided to sign on to this
lame-o film.
Wayans stars as Darryl Witherspoon, a dirt-poor business student
who agrees to be a test subject for a radical scientific experiment
that will affect his senses of touch, taste, smell, sight and
hearing.
Soon, Darryl is realizing that his new super-senses have some
advantages. He can ogle a girl’s butt from a block away, he can
hear conversations from across a room, he can read a newspaper from
a mile away. Like all ambitious students would, Darryl takes
advantage of these supernatural powers to cheat his way to a great
job on Wall Street. So when he gets a little too dependent on the
new drug and takes more than his usual dosage, his senses go out of
control and wackiness ensues.
While the story is ridiculous, the jokes are gross and not
funny. This comedy does have two things going for it though: some
really cute actors. No, I’m not talking about Spade, that snide and
overrated little bug who "very realistically" plays the
Big-Man-On-Campus frat boy. No, the two young hotties in this movie
are Wayans, the youngest and certainly the most attractive of his
many brothers, and Matthew Lillard (the nutbar in "Scream") as his
adorable multi-pierced roommate who mistakes Darryl’s erratic
behavior for heroin abuse. The friendship scenes between these two
actors are the only bearable ones.
Yet, despite their charm, the movie’s insipid plot and tired
jokes have sealed the movie’s fate as a cheap video rental in a
couple of years. But Wayans and Lillard are too good for this.
Director Spheeris, who did such a wonderfully clever job with
"Wayne’s World," is just wasting her considerable talents here in
relying so heavily on bathroom jokes and low-brow humor. Do we
really need an extended scene of Darryl eavesdropping on a girl
having really bad diarrhea? Do we really need to see Darryl trying
to lick the chest of a silicone-stuffed bimbo?
In this movie’s frequently inane attempts to show the audience
how silly it would be to lose one of your senses, the movie itself
and why it was even made stand as the best example. It just doesn’t
make sense.
Aimee Phan
Grade: D+"Dangerous Beauty"
Directed by Marshall Herskovitz
Starring Catherine McCormack and Rufus Sewell
The title "Dangerous Beauty" sounds more like an NBC "Movie of
the Week" than a serious drama about 16th-century Renaissance
Venice. To be truthful, if not for the elaborate sets and costumes
that permeate the film, it could fit very well in the often shallow
and empty world of network television cinema.
Though director Herskovitz obviously has lofty goals for this
tale of a non-conformist hooker, the film succeeds in doing little
more than being moderately entertaining eye candy.
It is fairly easy to get caught up in the skillfully crafted
visuals of the movie, but when it is all over, you’ll wonder just
what it was you saw while you were in the theater.
"Dangerous Beauty" stars McCormack (best known as Mel Gibson’s
wife in "Braveheart") as Veronica Franco, a lower-class girl who
cannot marry the man she loves (Sewell) because he must marry
according to his station.
What’s her solution? Why, to become a prostitute or "courtesan"
as they were known to Venitians at the time. We learn soon enough
that courtesans are provided with more privileges and freedoms than
wives during this time period, and therefore were the most educated
and artistic women in all of Italy.
At this point, the viewer is forced to wonder just what the
filmmakers are trying to tell us. Is it that this barbaric society
forced women to be sex slaves in order to acquire knowledge? That
would make sense, if the movie wasn’t so in love with its setting
and all of its characters. It’s difficult for the filmmakers to
berate Venice when the costume designers and art directors did such
a good job of making it look wonderful.
The film’s interpretation of Venice is so lavish and decorative
that it’s very hard to hold the city up to any serious criticism.
The characters are all written as the typical charming, well-read
Renaissance men, making it hard to hold them in contempt
either.
What the audience is left with is the image of this
paternalistic society that commits many crimes against women, but
is fairly benign in the long run.
Also a detriment to the search for meaning in "Dangerous Beauty"
is the film’s lack of any sort of antagonist. This leaves the story
with no momentum and no real point. We watch for two hours and have
no idea what the movie is trying to tell us or what Veronica really
wants.
This is not to say it isn’t a diversion for a couple of hours.
The actors do well enough with the material, and there is some
choice dialogue that was obviously fun for the performers to
read.
One such an enjoyable scene finds Veronica and a suitor (Oliver
Platt) engaging in a grandiose sword fight, in perhaps the best
written and photographed scene in the film. If only all of this
razzle-dazzle had been focused on making the story go somewhere
interesting, instead of its formulaic "Braveheart"-ish ending,
"Dangerous Beauty" might have been more than a beautiful movie with
absolutely no brain.
Lonnie Harris
Grade: CGoldwyn
Marla Schaffel and Michael Harris star in "I Love You.. Don’t
Touch Me".