Wednesday, February 18, 1998
He’s so…nice
GENDER: Women claim to be searching for the perfect man, but
what exactly are they looking for?
By Marco Ponce Contreras
Daily Bruin Contributor
"Bill, you are so nice. Couldn’t we just be friends?" How many
times have guys heard these words? Once, twice, maybe more times
than one would care to admit.
Across college campuses nationwide, something persists which
strums the backbone of a man’s dignity. Whether it afflicts them or
makes them better, some guys have the dubious distinction of
carrying the title of "The Nice Guy."
Do women want a "macho man" or a "nice guy?" Several UCLA
students were given the opportunity to answer that question.
Ramon recalls being a "nice guy" since junior high. It all
started way back when he asked his mom about a certain girl he was
interested in. "Mom, do you think she is attractive?" Ramon asked.
Her reply, "Ramon, every woman in this world is pretty and
attractive. There is no such thing as an ugly woman."
Today Ramon, 24, is a senior majoring in Latin American studies
who keeps women in high reverence because of his down-to-earth
values his mother bestowed. "She taught me to respect other
people," Ramon says.
Another student brings a woman’s point of view to the issue. A
female student, De La Torre, who asked not to be identified by her
first name, a 22-year-old economics student in her first year at
UCLA, says, "usually the nice guys are the ones that know how to
respect women."
When speaking of mothers, one major clue De la Torre looks for
when meeting a man is how he treats his mom.
When he was 7 years old, Ramon lost his father and was brought
up by his mother. Ramon learned the values of responsibility from
taking care of his three younger brothers and sister while his
mother was away working a day job.
When you come down to it, there are two overriding factors that
navigate Ramon’s ship through the sea of relationships. First, he
says, it depends on the individual. He claims that if he did
anything wrong, he wouldn’t be able to think straight. It would be
on his conscience. The second factor is family.
Hal Pruett, psychologist and director of Psychological Services
for 13 years, is aware of nice guys who complain that, "I’m a nice
guy, I treat women with respect, and it doesn’t seem to get me
anywhere."
The problem seen by psychologists in Student Psychological
Services (SPS) most often is from the other side of the spectrum:
women complaining of men not being respectful or responsible.
However, Pruett notes women are just as likely to date an
authorative type as they are a passive guy.
What about the idea of women wanting to date macho, more
aggressive guys than "nice guys?" Pruett believes women don’t
normally want to be with a "bad guy." If they do, it is because of
problems in the home.
In abusive homes, patterns are formed which the children emulate
as adults in their own families. "Sometimes love and abuse become
connected, and distorted views sometimes get developed," Pruett
said.
The choices people make in their partners are based on models
when growing up. People learn from parents, relatives and
television.
Despite what the psychologist or a textbook says, the consensus
among some is that women do not like the "nice guy." Why? What is
all the fuss over being wined and dined, spoiled mercifully, and
pampered beyond oblivion? De la Torre has the perfect answer.
"A woman likes a guy that gets her attention, takes the
initiative and makes her feel good."
Energetically, she emphasizes two main characteristics some
women look for in a man. People want a challenge, someone who will
not be an easy catch. The second reason comes in a blatantly
cut-throat style about the stud: "everybody wants him, so you want
to get him first."
Some women don’t want a guy that’s going to be a lap dog to
their every whim. They want a man who presents a challenge and
treats them with respect. In addition, they think they can change
him to be a respectable man with high moral standards. However,
many women find out the hard way that it is oftentimes futile.
In the early 1990s, the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology reported that women were attracted to dominant behavior
in men. The sexual attraction was not linked to likability. Is this
saying that women prefer a man who is aggressive?
Amaal Islam, 18, is a freshman majoring in neuroscience with two
interesting stories of extreme contrasts. Her first boyfriend was a
"nice guy." He did everything for her. "Before I would even ask for
something, he would do it," she said.
For five months they were together without any fights or
problems. As she put it, it got "boring."
Her second boyfriend was the opposite. Unlike the first, who was
valedictorian in high school, this guy dropped out of high school.
She did everything for him. After nearly a year of putting up with
his possessive nature and questions of who she was with and where
she was going, she left him.
Today, Amaal is wary of who she dates. She would like to meet
someone with both attributes. She wants someone who will argue with
her. She strongly believes arguing is a strong indication that
someone cares about you.
She told a story of her roommate. She noticed her roommate
complaining about a lab partner: "Oh, my God, I hate him. He’s so
bad." A quarter later, she speaks of her former lab partner in
pleasant terms. Amaal sees them arguing constantly, and her
roommate really likes him.
As reported earlier in the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology, a study was conducted to test the effects of dominance
on women. Seventy-four male and female students from an upper
division psychology course participated in the study.
In the test for dating desirability, it was shown that "female
attraction was an interactive function of male dominance and
agreeableness."
It seems as though many women want a man that takes initiative
and is aggressive, but not domineering. They want someone who is
confident and carries himself in a dignified and respectful manner.
At the same time, they wouldn’t mind a gentleman.