Wednesday, November 5, 1997
Verbal abuse cases embroil couples but remain unreported
RELATIONSHIPS Mistreatment leaves emotional scars, most commonly
affects women
By Rachel Munoz
Daily Bruin Contributor
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt
me. This saying might bring back fond memories of your mother’s
encouragement to be nice, but does the saying hold true when you
are the recipient of hurtful words?
Verbal abuse has become quite common in relationships; it is
believed to be most frequently imposed on women by their boyfriends
or husbands. It may not be as well known as physical abuse, but it
is viewed as a type of emotional abuse. As with other abuses, the
experts recommend counseling or support groups to remedy the
situation, but many people in unhealthy relationships are unaware
of the ongoing verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse is also a common component to physically or
sexually abusive relationships, according to Marnie Rothschild, the
educational and outreach coordinator for Sojourn, a shelter for
abused women.
Rothschild admits that physical abuse is still more recognized,
but that doesn’t make verbal abuse less significant. Verbal abuse
might not inflict the same bruises and scars that physical abuse
does, but it does not escape without leaving its own marks.
"Women are profoundly affected or very afraid even if they
haven’t been hit," Rothschild says.
According to SOLO Lifestyles for Singles, a publication that
offers personal ads and relationship advice, one in four women
admit to being verbally abused.
Experts believe the numbers might be a lot higher because many
women never discuss verbal abuse or even feel that they are being
verbally abused.
Statistics and information on verbal abuse are difficult to
obtain because most studies come from law enforcement, and verbal
abuse simply is not reported, in part because it is not a crime,
like physical abuse.
The low volume of verbal abuse reports could be attributed to
the lack of knowledge on the topic. A constant pattern of insults
and control issues are signs of verbal abuse, according to
Rothschild. Even if the pattern of abuse spans a two or three month
period, verbal abuse can still be present. Patterns are the
defining component in a verbally abusive relationship, says
clinical psychologist Dr. Abbey Kesden.
To judge whether a relationship is verbally abusive, she asks,
"Do they go through a pattern?" When a relationship continuously
goes well for a while and then shortly thereafter turns sour,
verbal abuse could be the cause. One reason that incidents of
verbal abuse might be more prevalent than believed lies in the
deceptive outward behavior of the verbal abuser.
SOLO reports that many verbal abusers will act normally, even
sensitively, to the outside world, giving the impression that
nothing is wrong in their relationship behavior. However, when the
couple is at home the scene can change.
This pattern – he is charming one minute and abusive the next –
makes verbal abuse very confusing for women and causes them to end
up doubting their instincts, SOLO says. As the abuser charms the
people around the abused woman, it is possible that no one will
believe that the verbal abuse is occurring.
Rothschild explains a typical scenario: Friends might ask a
woman why she would want to break up with such a great guy. The
woman becomes confused because her friends think he is wonderful,
but they never see the bad side of him.
The continued low profile of verbal abuse could be attributed to
the idea that it is a subtler form of abuse and therefore more
likely not to be taken seriously, Kesden relayed.
"If you don’t inflict a wound on someone, it is easier to be
passed off," she said.
As in all types of abuse, one must question where this type of
behavior stems from. Looking to a person’s past can often explain
the reason for verbal abuse.
"If a person is raised in a house with verbal abuse … there is
a good chance he will bring that into a romantic relationship,"
Kesden said.
The first step in acknowledging a verbally abusive relationship
is to admit that there is a problem. "The abuser has to recognize
what he is doing," Rothschild insists.
SOLO explains that this could be a very difficult step for a
woman who has been verbally abused because often the self esteem is
weakened.
"Women do a lot of convincing to themselves, rationalizing about
the relationship," Kesden says. Many women often try to justify the
abuser’s actions.
But if a woman has decided to leave the relationship, her next
step should be to seek help of some kind, with a counselor or a
support group.
SOLO emphasizes that the quicker a woman decides to get out of
an abusive relationship, the better. Verbal abuse only escalates,
like physical abuse, and the longer a woman stays in such a
relationship, the deeper her self esteem sinks and the harder it is
to get out of the relationship.
If a woman decides that she would like to try to salvage the
relationship with the abuser, she needs to put her foot down,
Kesden advises. She should address the issue when both partners are
calm and suggest counseling for both of them.