Monday, 6/9/97 Color theory reveals error of identity
politics
Peter Hamilton Tuesday, April 4, 1995 WARNING: Do not read this
column if you take life seriously. I had to preface this column
with a warning label because I am amazed at how seriously everyone
is taking themselves. Over identity politics. I’m a this, you’re a
that. Me, me, me, you, you, you. Someone has to set you
self-indulgent, name-calling identity freaks straight, and who
better for that job than me? So, listen up – Peter-the-Pink-Boy
just rode into town with his tin star on and he’s pissed. As the
new sheriff, I’m not interested in writing down the names of
troublemakers. Instead, I want to eliminate ’em. The first name
that’s going to be run out of town is "white." Take my word as
sheriff (and as a master of fine arts candidate who understands
color theory): No one’s skin color is white. Pink, yes; white, no.
Wait, scratch that, there is someone who is white – Michael
Jackson. But I have strayed. Why do I want to eliminate the word
white from identity politics? Simple. White has nothing to do with
the color of someone’s skin, but it does have everything to do with
the perpetuation of the dominant racial episteme in this here
country and its enormous success. Who are the bad guys in charge of
this mob mentality? It is not so much a who, but as a what.
Actually, it is the metaphor – white is pure, white is clean, which
is reinforced in our minds every day. Every wall of every building
and every piece of paper reinforces the power of that metaphor.
Hell, even Jesus liked to wear the color. Of course, the
essentialist notion that whiteness implies pureness is laughable.
And Herman Melville effectively dealt with that specious notion in
"Moby Dick," but that doesn’t lessen the import of the word when it
comes to race relations. It is not very difficult to understand why
people with pink-colored skin want to exploit the a priori
connotations that go along with their skin color being referred to
as white. They thank their white God above for being born with a
pale enough complexion so they can assert their propriety over all
people born with a "less fortunate" skin color, (i.e., black, red,
brown and yellow). Where am I going with this? Just hold your
horses, pardner. The elimination of the term white is only half the
gun battle. Next, we eliminate the term "black." No one is black,
trust me, burnt umber or mahogany maybe, but not black. Why would
one group want to label another group black when the latter group
isn’t? If the former group represents themselves as the "good"
white race, then the logical indices when labeling members of a
darker skin-toned race is to label them your opposite. That way the
whiteness of the "good guys" is all the more refined and pure when
contrasted against the blackness of those "bad guys." Why am I
telling you all this? Because as sheriff of this one-horse town, I
wish to eliminate two more equally misguided terms. The first of
those two terms is Caucasian. When I looked up this term in my
dictionary it read, "of or relating to the white race." That silly
definition assumes there is a group of white-skinned people running
around on this planet. Now, my dictionary may be referring to
Michael Jackson, but it did not say so. Therefore, of its absurd
assumption that there is such a race of people as white people, I
am throwing out the term Caucasian. Next, we must run an equally
goofy term out of town – African American. Now, the elimination of
this term will be more controversial, but if you follow my special
logic you will be fine. Here’s how it goes. How many of you reading
this are American? And how many of you have ancestors that
originally (way, way, way back) came from Africa (if you want to
argue that Eden existed in the jungles of Africa) or Mesopotamia
(if you want to take the Darwinian position)? Regardless, I will
make the assumption that everyone reading this column is an
American and that everyone’s original ancestors either came from
Africa or Mesopotamia (Asia). Therefore, we are all African
Americans or Asian Americans and it doesn’t matter how long ago our
ancestors came from those locations. All that matters is that they
did come from those areas. But I sense your boredom with this
trivial line of thinking. You want excitement, you want humor. That
is why I have made a pointless top 10 list of songs that blatantly
exploit the use of these outlawed terms for their own gain. Here is
Peter-the-Pink-Boy’s top 10 list of lyrics from songs that must be
censored if we are to properly cleanse this town. 1. "Back in
black, I hit the sack …" (AC/DC) 2. "White lines, blow away …"
(Grandmaster Flash and Mellie Mel) 3. "Black is back, all in we’re
gonna win …" (Public Enemy) 4. "May all your Christmases be white
…"(Bing Crosby) 5. "Black hole sun, won’t you come …"
(Soundgarden) 6. "Play that funky music, white boy …" (Wild
Cherry) 7. "I see a red door and I want it painted black …"
(Rolling Stones) 8. "White wedding, silk shedding …" (Billy Idol)
9. "I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black …"
(Nirvana) 10. "If your world was all black and if your world was
all white, then you would – get much color out of life now
right…" (Beastie Boys) Remember, the sheriff knows what is good
for you. The sheriff is pure, the sheriff is clean. I am the
sheriff because I was the most qualified pink male in town. But
then again, I guess I could be wrong in dismissing all those terms.
Because by calling myself pink, I don’t really change much. I am
still the same arrogant white/pink boy I was before. Of course, the
only way to prove me wrong is to bring me a gray baby, you know,
one made by a black person and a white person. Hamilton, a graduate
art student, thinks he is the sheriff of UCLA.