Thursday, 5/29/97 What good is English? EDUCATION: Ask not what
this columnist plans to do with his degree, or you’ll get a
response
If you are majoring in one of those disciplines for which there
seems to be no obvious career path other than simply regurgitating
what you have just be taught to a new crop of students just as
committed to learning something of no practical value as you were,
read on. If, on the other hand, the name of your future career is
firmly embedded within the name of your present major, as in
engineering or dentistry, this article may be of little interest to
you. I will graduate, be graduated, whatever, soon. As that
hallowed event draws nigh and I eagerly await the honor and glory
of receiving my bachelor of arts degree in English lit-rit-chah, I
am finding that more and more people are asking me that exceedingly
annoying question as to what exactly I intend to do with my degree.
I answer thusly: "I’m going to frame it and hang it on a wall in my
charming hillside abode. Maybe put some candles around it. Touch it
up in photoshop. Or maybe I’ll cut lines of talcum powder on it,
leave it in plain sight of the front door, call 911 and hide in the
closet, video the cops breaking in, doing the lines, then I’ll sell
the tape to ‘Hard Copy’ for $75,000." Wah-hoo, my education pays
off! Or maybe I’ll get together with a select few of my fellow
English major cronies (sorry, undergrads only) so we can start a
rival gang to the Friends of English. We’ll call ourselves the
Acquaintances of English. Our colors will be buff and goldenrod.
We’ll tag in iambic tetrameter. We’ll make one of those feral North
Campus cats our mascot and name it Hugh G. Dick after the famous
real-life UCLA English professor (I swear to God, it’s true;
there’s a plaque in his honor just as you enter the University
Research Library). Asking me what I’m going to do with my education
is like asking me if the carpet should match the drapes. Who cares?
What I do care about is that I’ve studied about 3 percent of the
canon but can come off like I’ve studied a lot more, like 6
percent. Who are these people who want to know what I’m going to do
with my degree? Where do they get off asking me these questions.
That includes you, mom … back off! This is what I’m going to do:
I’m going to brood, then become a boor, then frequent cocktail
parties, do the one eyebrow thing and brag like Priapus at a
slumber party "Yes, I did read ‘Piers Plowman’, yes I do get ‘The
Wasteland’, and yes I do know the difference between sensuous and
sensual." Question: What’s the most important thing a philosophy
major should learn? Answer: How to say "Would you like fries with
that?" Sorry, Plato-heads, nothing personal. If it will make you
feel any better, plug in "English" or "communication studies" in
place of "philosophy." (Sidenote: I am reminded of a great quote by
Pascal: "To ridicule philosophy is really to philosophize.") My
point is this: I’m weary of trying to answer that utterly common
question "What are you going to with that, teach?" Oh, the answers
I have ached to give in reply: "Yes, I’m going to teach people to
not ask insipid questions" or "Yes, the humanities is actually a
huge Ponzi scheme. We all become teachers. Then all our students
become teachers, and so on, until the Earth is populated
exclusively by people who write only in red or green ink and who
understand intuitively the proper application of the words "lay"
and "lie." So, in anticipation of these delightful people and their
clever little questions, I have actually come up with a list of
responses. If you are not an English major, just plug in some of
your major’s key jargony catchwords and sing along with me. Here
are a few possible responses to that confounding question "What are
you going to do with your degree: I am going to stand at the corner
of San Vicente and Barrington wearing a huge sandwich board that
states "WILL PARSE FOR A BLENDED MOCHA." Sociology students might
try this variation: "GOFFMAN SCHOLAR – WILL BE YOUR AUDIENCE FOR
$5." Philosophy students, try this one: "HEAR SOUND OF ONE HAND
CLAPPING – $5." I am going to make it my goal in life to make
people stop using the word unique as though it were a comparative
adjective. Kids, it either is unique or it ain’t unique. It can’t
be more unique or less unique than something else. Unique is an
absolute, like dead. We don’t say "This movie/fossil/bong is more
unique than that movie/fossil/bong" any more than we would say this
corpse is more dead than that corpse. Unique is unique is unique. I
am going to start a crusade to get T. S. Eliot’s body returned to
the United States. He was born in St. Louis … as in Missouri …
as in the United States of America. Hello? Thomas Stearns Eliot was
born in Missouri. Give the bastards Richard Burton in exchange. I
am going to become a politician. Once in office I will enact
legislation that levies a use tax on the work "like." We’ll start
at a buck a pop. Every time someone uses the word "like" as an
interjection it’ll cost them a dollar. "He was, like, way sketchy."
One dollar, please. Any legitimate use of the work "like," as in "I
don’t like what olestra has been doing to my underwear" will, of
course, go unpunished. I am going to teach the world about the word
"apropos." Here’s my best advice: just don’t do it. Leave "apropos"
for the folks who edit literary journals. Apropos is not a
short-cut version of "appropriate." We don’t use it this way: "He
was oddly dressed, so it seemed apropos that we shank him." Wrong.
"Apropos" means "being at once opportune and to the point" as in
"relevant" or "regarding." "Apropos your recent liposuction
accident …" Right. Apropos "apropos," the "o’s" are long, the "s"
is silent. I am going to undo the evil singular/plural thing that
has been dragging medium, agendum and datum around by its tail for
far too long now. Think of it this way: the etymologically plural
form "media" is often used as a singular to refer to a particular
means of communication, as in "This is the most exciting new media
since television." This usage is widely regarded as incorrect;
medium is preferred. A stronger case can be made in defense of the
use of media as a collective term, as in: "The media has not shown
much interest in covering the issue." As with the analogous words
data and agenda, the originally plural form has begun to acquire a
sense that departs from that of the singular: used as a collective
term, media denotes an industry or community. Thus the example
sentence given here would not be appropriately paraphrased as "No
medium has shown much interest in covering the issue," which
suggests that the disinclination abides in the means of
communication itself rather than in its practitioners. If media
follows the pattern of data and agenda, this singular use may
become entirely acceptable someday. But despite its utility, many
people still regard it as a grammatical error. This kills me! It is
to English comprehension what hara-kiri is to indigestion. In the
name of all that is holy, this must stop! I am going to tell the
world about nausea. That thing you just ate that made you sick to
your stomach? So now you’re nauseous, right? Maybe. Something that
is nauseous causes nausea. So, when you say that you’re nauseous,
you very well might be correct, although I doubt that’s the point
you wish to convey in your statement. You probably mean nauseated.
Anyway that’s what I’m going to say when people ask me what I’m
going to do with my bachelor of arts in English. In closing, a
touch of humility seems in order. Truthfully, I am proud to be an
English major. I am grateful to my professors for all they have
taught me. Granted, being an English major is not for everyone. It
requires a good deal of reading and writing. It also helps if you
are a bit of a perv. Most of the great writers were, so I have been
told. In addition, it really helps if have a big dictionary, which,
of course, I do. I am never without it and use it whenever
possible. By the way, has anyone bothered to call the ombudsperson
or the PC Police regarding the term bachelor of arts. It seems
wholly sexist to me. I think it should be changed to "undergraduate
degree in the arts." So now, go ahead, ask me. What am I going to
do with my UDITA in English? Michael Daugherty