Tuesday, 5/27/97 The "Too Cool for Orange County" category
inspired many creative write-ins, including "Hard Core Porn,"
"Ebonics," and "Juan Garcia," but the winner went to one of TV’s
most enduring familial units, "The Simpsons" (this puts to rest a
long raging debate: Springfield is in fact cooler than Orange
County). Blinding narcissism had it’s moment in the spotlight with
the "Kenneth Branagh ‘I Love Myself!’" award which was taken by
Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman just edging out the Lord of the Dance,
Michael Flatley, by one vote. On the other end of the
psycho-emotional spectrum, the "Angst Award" was taken by
Tatooine’s favorite son Luke Skywalker. The inner-conflicted
black-clad Jedi beat out the cast of "Party of Five," perrenial
favorite Trent Reznor, newcomer Fiona Apple and (losing by one
vote) FBI Agent Dana Scully. Surprisingly, Dylan McKay received no
write-ins. While the list of nominees for the title "Most Likely To
Get Human Credentials Revoked" might seem to be endless, the
student body weighed in decisively on one nominee. Both Jenny
McCarthy and Kathie Lee Gifford were defeated by The Spice Girls,
though whether or not they actually have human credentials to
revoke is currently under investigation. "Coolest Dead Person"
honors went out to William Shakespeare, with Argentina’s Eva Peron
coming in second. Special notice should be given to such tasteful
write-in nominees as Audrey Hepburn, Jackie Robinson, Yoda and
Roman Emperor/ Ultimate Party Animal Caligula. The inimitable
roundball diva Dennis Rodman claims his second award this year in
the "Most Overexposed" category, beating both Orenthal J. Simpson
and the phrase "Show Me The Money!" In what could be a redundancy
of terms, "Worst Disaster Movie" went to the latest in the genre,
"Volcano" (though "The Evening Star" was a close second). Cheers to
whomever wrote in Kenneth Branagh’s "Hamlet" in this category. By a
significant margin, Leonardo DiCaprio took the title of "Sassiest
Sassy Boy," shattering Dennis Rodman’s winning streak. "Best
Performance" honors went to Cuba Gooding, Jr. for his Academy Award
acceptance speech, blowing out all competition for the second time
this year. And finally landing in the winner’s circle, former
Kansas senator and presidential candidate Bob Dole won as UCLA’s
choice to join the cast of "Friends." Rosie O’Donnell came in
second, and write-ins included the Menendez Brothers, Beavis, Ice
Cube, Eddie Vedder, and of course, Juan Garcia. Though The
Cardigans’ "Love Fool" gave it a run for it’s money, No Doubt’s
"Don’t Speak" won the "Most Overplayed Song" award. And proving
once and for all that you can’t put one over on Joe and Josie
Bruin, Stephen Baldwin was correctly identified as a member of the
cast of "Threesome." And as if he needed the work, Jim Carrey was
voted best choice to play Heaven’s Gate Guru Marshall Applewhite,
although former Chancellor Charles Young received an impressive
amount of write-in votes. Well, the people have spoken, and the
wheels of democracy have once again turned without incident. Until
next year, remember that the power is yours to wield, and as long
as Dennis Rodman or The Lord of the Dance choose to stay in the
public eye, Bruin Choice will be here for you.