Tuesday, 4/22/97 Columnist makes history with ‘Dear Skinny’
Horey becomes Daily Bruin’s first, only, last dispenser of
wisdom
Happy Tuesday, Bruins! Stop what you’re doing and sit down,
because what you are about to read is nothing short of Viewpoint
history in the making. (How’s that for self-assuredness?) Any good
writer knows the value of suspense, so instead of going ahead and
making Viewpoint history right away, I will build a little suspense
of my own. How will I do this, you ask? In traditional Viewpoint
fashion: by complaining. Complaining about what, you ask? My
photograph. When last my column graced the pages of the Daily Bruin
on April 8, a terribly angry (and particularly unattractive)
photograph of yours truly accompanied it. I spent minutes
perfecting the agape-mouthed photo (which hopefully you now see),
yet someone at The Bruin insists on removing it and replacing it
with the "angry man" version at will. In my opinion, there is no
shortage of angriness in Viewpoint, so I’d at least like my picture
to be happy. Again, my apologies. So now, on to Viewpoint history.
(Enough of suspense.) It occurred to me recently that Viewpoint has
employed twenty-some columnists this year (which makes me one of
the columnists they DIDN’T fire), and yet not a single one has been
an advice columnist. This to me seems a gross injustice (especially
when one considers all of the screwed-up people which one
encounters every day at one’s university, UCLA). The powers that be
at Viewpoint don’t pay me to sit idly by and watch such injustices
go unremedied (OK, technically they don’t PAY me to do anything),
so this week I am taking it upon myself to act as Viewpoint’s first
(and quite probably only and last) Advice Columnist. (Yes,
everybody, that is the Viewpoint history-making I spoke of earlier.
Disappointed? Don’t be.) Now, the first thing any good advice
columnist needs is a catchy pen name. (Notice my commitment to
being a GOOD advice columnist. Anybody can give shitty advice.) I
seem to have inadvertently done myself the favor of branding myself
the "Skinny White Jackass" earlier this year, but somehow "Advice
From the Skinny White Jackass" or "Ask the Skinny White Jackass"
just doesn’t command respect. I always say, if you can’t think of a
good idea on your own, then copy somebody else’s. So I did. Who is
more respected in the advice column industry (before today) than
Dear Abby? (That’s right, nobody.) So please welcome "Dear Skinny."
(And watch history unfold before your very eyes.) * * * Dear
Skinny: First of all, thank you for finally taking the time to
reach out Viewpoint’s proverbial hand to address the needs of the
UCLA community. My problem is this: I speak with thousands of UCLA
students every month, and I know intimate secrets about all of
their academic histories, but for some reason, few (if any) of them
like me. I even get the feeling that some of them hate me –
especially when they say, "I hate you, URSA, you stupid computer
bitch!" What can I do to make them like me? Please don’t use my
real name, Skinny. Sign me … — Closed on Sundays Dear "Closed on
Sundays": I can’t imagine what you could be doing to make these
students dislike you. They are insensitive and uncaring. Never
change. Dear Skinny: I read your column all the time and I really
look up to you. Someday I’d like to be a Viewpoint columnist just
like you. My only problem is that no one seems to think that I’m
even remotely amusing. Whenever I make a joke, no one laughs. Did
you ever have this problem? Signed, — Is This Thing On? Dear "Is
This Thing On?": No. Dear Skinny: My name is Charles Young, and I
am currently serving as the chancellor of UCLA. After I announced
my plans for retirement, the University of California selected a
replacement chancellor from Harvard University. Since the selection
of the new chancellor I have received a great deal of hate mail
from UCLA students who demand to know why some moron kid named
Horey isn’t going to be the next chancellor. I was wondering if you
know who this kid is, or where he might live, because I’d like to
kick his ass. You can use my real name; I’m not afraid of anybody.
— Chancellor Charles Young Dear "Chancellor Charles Young": I’m
sorry, I didn’t understand the question. Dear Skinny: I love your
columns and I love you. I can only judge from the picture in the
newspaper, but you look like the sexiest hunk of Bruin I’ve ever
seen. I want to meet you. Will you marry me? — Your Secret Admirer
Dear "Your Secret Admirer": For the love of God, woman, include
your phone number! Dear Skinny: This letter originated in London in
1983, and since then it has been around the world 44 times. Do not
ignore this letter; it holds incredible power. A Minnesota man
received this letter in 1991 and threw it away. The next morning,
the state of Minnesota suffered a severe thundershower as a result.
By contrast, an Oregon woman received this letter in 1994, sent it
on, and did NOT die. If you do not wish to die, send this letter to
20,000 of your closest friends. And do it now. — A Friend Dear "A
Friend": Thank you for the warning. I will do as I have been told.
Dear Skinny: Hi. My name is "Leve Stavin", and I coach a popular
sport at UCLA. The sport involves five men throwing an orange ball
through an orange hoop. In one of your columns earlier this year,
you referred to me as the "coach" of this sporting team, and you
also took the liberty of frequently mocking a number of the players
on my team. I was not amused. My players were not amused. My
players are large men. You are a skinny white jackass. You do the
math. And watch your back. Sign me … — No, You Can’t Buy My
Blazer Dear "No, You Can’t Buy My Blazer": OK, but did you have a
question? (This is an advice column, genius.) * * * Well, wasn’t
that fun? Viewpoint’s very first Advice Column. Who would’ve
thought that it would come from me, a psych major at a school where
psychology is the Scantron major? (Probably no one.) Thank you for
your letters; Viewpoint history has been made, and my work here is
done.