Friday, February 14, 1997
ADVICE:
Parking tickets and URSA woman assist Bruins questing for
love
Happy Valentine’s Day, Bruins! It is I, your very special Daily
Bruin Valentine, the Valentine to the Valentine-less. I am your
knight in shining armor, except I’m not a knight, I don’t have any
armor, I’m in the paper and not on a horse. And I’m the one with
the long, blond hair.
I find it painfully appropriate that my column is running on
this day of love, since I am the one columnist who regularly
professes my unwavering love for the students of this campus. (In
fact, it was I who suggested that our university’s official motto
be changed from "UCLA: Seismic Renovation to be Completed Fall
1998" to "UCLA: the University of Love.") If you are one of the
misguided few who read my columns regularly (aside from suffering
chronic cheek pain from the hysteric antics contained therein) you
know that I love you, the reader, and I will do anything in my
power for you (as long as "anything" means writing a column of
1,000-1,400 words).
That’s why I told the powers that be to stick it when they asked
me to donate my column space this Valentine’s Day so they could run
one of those full-page ads with the picture of the heart-shaped
globe. (So there.) And when well-meaning friends suggested such
original column ideas as, "Um, hey. You’re that guy with the mouth
problem in Viewpoint, huh? You should write a column about how
Valentine’s Day sucks," I told them to stick it, too. (Editor’s
note: Justin has never told anyone to "stick it" in his life.)
No, I am committed to writing columns of significance and
relevance, columns which provide guidance for misguided Bruins
everywhere. That’s why I decided to present today "Justin Horey’s
Guide to a Fulfilling UCLA Valentine’s Day." (I can read the
appreciative fan mail already.) Let’s get to it.
The first thing you need for a fulfilling UCLA Valentine’s Day
is (you guessed it!) a Valentine. If our extensive demographic
studies are at all accurate (i.e. if you are anything like my
roommates), the average Viewpoint reader (although I’m sure you are
the exception) is a lonely Bruin who lives from column to column,
vicariously dating the columnist of his or her choice. Certainly
this is not the case in my life. No, I suffer the same problem as
many public figures: I am too desirable, and women are intimidated
by me. (Just look at that photo.) How many times have you overheard
a woman on campus say: "Justin Horey writes for Viewpoint! He’d
never go out with me." (Editor’s note: This is not a problem from
which Justin actually suffers.) If you do have a Valentine, then
you needn’t read the following section, but my guess is that if you
had a Valentine you wouldn’t be reading the Bruin on Valentine’s
Day, so you’d better not put the paper down just yet. If you don’t
have a Valentine, then allow me to provide you with the following
tips.
Any culturally conscious Bruins who have seen the
much-publicized African Dolls exhibit at the Fowler Museum (where
their motto is "Where else on campus can you pay money to enter, be
searched and then proceed into a building devoid of all human
life?") may be tempted to carve a doll out of wood and pray that it
magically turns into a Valentine, but this is a method which in my
own life has proven moderately effective at best.
No, I would recommend trying one of a few methods for courting
that special Bruin. One sure-fire (and inexpensive) method is to
fashion a Valentine out of old parking tickets. They’re pink,
everyone has a stockpile of them (I have two staring me in the face
as I write this), and you probably don’t have any intention of
paying them anyway. Name for me one person in your life who
wouldn’t be touched to receive his or her very own parking ticket
Valentine. You can’t do it, can you? No, you can’t. (Note: If you
live on campus and only have UCLA-issued parking tickets, you
needn’t fret. All it takes is two hours or more on any street in
the Village and you’ll have a parking ticket Valentine of your very
own.)
If you aren’t a fan of parking ticket Valentines (say, for
example, that you sent one last year) you might want to try
recording a special Valentine’s message using URSA’s voice. There
isn’t a Bruin alive who isn’t a sucker for that voice, and although
you probably can’t make her say "I love you," to anyone, you can
make her say "please." (And let’s be honest here: if you’re reading
Justin Horey’s UCLA Valentine Tips, a little begging probably
wouldn’t hurt your cause.)
"OK," you say (today, with a hint of dismay), "so I’ve snared my
chosen someone with the help of URSA and my extensive backlog of
parking tickets. What do I do now?"
Fortunately, I am prepared with answers to all of your
Valentine’s Day questions. Once you have landed yourself a
Valentine, it’s time to take him or her out. (NOTE: to "take out"
your Valentine in this context means to take them on a date, not to
inflict physical harm on them.) One surefire (and free) way to get
some special alone time with your Valentine is to take them with
you in any dorm elevator on campus. Once inside, the two of you
will surely be alone for at least an hour, as the dorm elevators
are about as reliable as a Jim Harrick alibi.
If dorm elevators aren’t to your liking, then you might want to
ask one of the friendly credit card vendors on Bruin Walk if you
and your mate may accompany them on their trip to Hawaii. (Those
people have been collecting applications to pay for their trip
since I was a freshman, so it’s about time they went.)
There you have it, Bruin lovers! Justin Horey’s own sure-fire
methods for making this Valentine’s Day a memorable one. (If you’re
keeping score at home, that last sentence was not a sentence. But
guess what? I’m providing you with all this information for free,
so you can deal with it.) If for some reason these techniques fail
to land you a mate, there is one more avenue you might wish to
pursue: Simply send a brief personal biography, a color photograph
and a $10 processing fee to the Daily Bruin Viewpoint department.
Be sure to mark "To be opened by Justin Horey only" clearly on the
envelope. I love you all  happy Valentine’s Day.