Friday, February 14, 1997
LESSONS:
‘Love Goddess’ explains relationships curriculum to students
Ahhh … (sigh) … love. I told my editors that they should let
me write today, since, as you know, I am the "Love Goddess." I LOVE
Valentine’s Day. What can I say, I’m a sucker for punishment.
Just like college G.E.s, we’re required to take a few courses in
order to learn the "general rules o’ love." Similar to college
courses, the school of love offers advanced placement for work done
in high school. You may have taken Clingy Relationship, Purely
Physical, Slut Studies, or We’re Getting Married. Some people even
try to take Loneliness AP, but few ever pass it. You might even
find someone who’s taken Bliss.
Everyone needs to take Loneliness. Most people avoid it like the
plague, but there is a lot that solitude can teach you. We must be
able to live with ourselves, to be happy with ourselves and to love
ourselves before we can ask this of anyone else. There are many
valuable lessons to be learned  self-reliance, independent
identity and discovery of talents. You also learn independence.
On the other extreme is Clingy 101. Most freshman take this
their first year. It’s also known as emotional dependency,
I-have-no-identity, or joined-at-the-hip studies. You can easily
spot these students by their inability to separate from their
beloved. The person you once knew as your roommate, Ken or Barbie,
has now become the mutant being Ken and Barbie. They are also
unable to speak on any topic unrelated to their beloved  "Ken
always says …" or "Barbie loves …"
Some people never learn that the reason their world falls apart
every time he or she walks out that door is because you made him or
her the center of your universe to begin with. Maybe you’re so
afraid to be alone because you’ve never been without someone else
or you’re afraid you might not like yourself unless someone else
does. You shouldn’t have to rely on another person to validate your
existence. I took Clingy 101, I don’t need it anymore.
We’ve all got to take Purely Physical at least once. Again, the
AP suffices. Some specialize in Slut Studies or do independent
research projects. I don’t think these things are bad as long as
you’re honest and don’t lead people on.
The Purely Physical requirement teaches you that you can’t
expect every physical encounter to lead to a relationship. It can
teach you the joy of a "good scam," detachment, love for your body,
appreciation of your erogenous zones and the joy of being
unattached. It allows for a sampling of the smorgasbord. Once
again, "all is fair in love and war," but play nice still, because
what goes around comes around.
Another course is We’re Getting Married. College students
sometimes try to major in We’re Getting Married, deluding
themselves with false security. Most often, We’re Getting Married
teaches you that you’re too damn young to be getting married. This
doesn’t include couples who are really serious about getting
married, but it’s more like an advanced course in Clingy. Don’t be
like some guy I know whose "fiancee" left him for another guy after
a year and a half.
Bliss is relationship heaven. Bliss is finding love and
understanding security and affection in one person. It’s finding
that person not only physically attractive but also intellectually
stimulating. Bliss is the hardest class to get into because
everyone wants to take it. But getting in is a matter of chemistry,
timing and luck  unpredictable and elusive by themselves
 being exactly right.
Bliss students are easily identifiable. They are genuinely
happy. They seem to be lit up from the inside, especially when they
are with their beloved. You can see it in their faces. Bliss is
slow dancing to Bob Marley’s "Waiting in Vain." It’s Peter
Gabriel’s "In Your Eyes." (I was in Bliss once. Actually, I took it
concurrently with Clingy 101. Bliss is why we stayed together,
Clingy 101 is why we broke up.)
Bliss teaches you what a good relationship should be. It teaches
you what it feels like to be loved, and what it means to be
devoted. It’s most useful in comparison  once you’ve had
Bliss, you won’t settle for less. Bliss helps you grow.
On a more serious note, there are many lessons we need to learn,
and I intend to keep on learning. I know it’s Valentine’s Day, and
some of you are wondering why you are alone, why you don’t have
someone right now. Maybe it’s not your time. Quit fighting
loneliness and learn what it has to teach you. Every class you fail
you have to take over. Be glad you aren’t in Clingy 101 or a Slut
Studies student.
If you are with someone and you are happy, let that person know
it, appreciate them. If you are with someone and aren’t happy, quit
wasting your time and find someone who will help you be happy. If
you’re single, keep searching for Bliss. It’s out there. I know it
is.