Monday, January 27, 1997
GUIDE:
Campus Survival for Dummies gives you secrets to getting around
in college life
I first began my college career here at UCLA in the fall of
1994. Back when I was young, naive and oh-so innocent. Since that
time I’ve learned a few things about UCLA that have allowed me to
prosper here.
I’ve always wondered why no one has ever taken the time to
create some sort of general information manual about life at UCLA
for new students that tells them more than where to order
artery-clogging food or how to access e-mail. I think it would
prevent a lot of unnecessary pain and discomfort for those trying
to adjust to Bruin life. Therefore, I have decide to undertake this
project myself. Here are a few passages from my first couple of
chapters from my soon-to-be-published work that I have decided to
call "The Idiot’s Guide to UCLA."
Chapter 1: The Basics
Eight Clap: A true sign of Bruinhood. Learn it and love it. This
complex hand ritual, presumably derived from the nostalgic "Grease"
(the movie, not the lubricant) Hand Jive, is extremely difficult to
master. Those unable to perform it properly at various Bruin
functions are subject to ridicule and general public scorn. The
worst thing I’ve ever seen was the poor transfer student who
screwed up the whole three-clap-other-hand combo and subsequently
got torn to pieces by the insane mob of seniors.
Joe and Josephine Bruin: Fuzzy, furry, playful creatures known
for their amusing antics at various functions. However, recent
uproar over the new "Steroid Joe" and "Crack Addict Josie" has
tarnished their original sparkling reputation. Not to mention the
obvious sexual tension between them.
Chancellor Young: Supreme Being of UCLA. While no one has
actually ever seen him, rumors abound of his existence. Recent
sightings of an elderly gentleman babbling incoherently in the
basement of Murphy excited many people. They thought Young had
actually been found, but it just turned out to be another 45th-year
senior who had gotten lost trying to find the financial aid office
in the early ’60s. Still clutching his ancient FAFSA, he reportedly
commented, "Chuck? Chuck who?"
Chapter 2: Best of UCLA
Best place to eat on campus: Taco Bell. Their ground beef(?)
actually tastes like real meat! And their Double-Decker
Gut-Bursting Artery-Choking Taco is to die for Â
literally!
Best place to sleep on campus: Much debate concerns this topic,
but in my opinion the best place, hands down, has got to be the
ever-pleasant Franklin D. Murphy Sculpture Garden. Except for the
nagging feeling that, as soon as you fall asleep, a squirrel is
going to jump on your face, the serenity of its seclusion and the
wafts of peculiar smoke emitted by the nearby art students make it
the perfect place to sleep off the effects of a bad midterm.
Best class to take: Abnormal psychology. Completely explained
every single roommate and professor I’ve ever had. Worst Class?
Italian cinema. Absolutely no "Godfather" movies.
Chapter 3: Basic Survival Tips
Psycho to avoid on Bruin Walk: Anybody who begins a conservation
with"Hello, friend." Also beware of those bearing guitars or
holding petitions. My advice to keep people at a distance: Buy a
walkman, sing along to music at the top of your lungs, and practice
your moonwalk. Works every time.
Most creative way of goofing off in class: This is a
time-honored tradition at UCLA: Tear out the crossword puzzle and
place it over your notes.
Every time your professor takes a look at you writing furiously
in your notebook is just another brownie point for you. Also, it
lets you brag to your friends that you paid extremely close
attention to your work in lecture.
Most effective methods for approaching someone you’ve had a
crush on in class: "Hi! I’m the TA for this class and if you want
an A …" Just kidding! Seriously, this is the foolproof method:
"Um, hi. I wasn’t here on Friday and I was wondering if I could
borrow your notes? Yeah, if you give me your number, I can call you
to return them later." Not only does this provide you with
important information (their number), but it could also lead to
that important phase of the relationship, Study Buddies!
Anyway, that’s just some selected samples from my
almost-completed manual, available soon at fine UCLA book stores
everywhere. I’m still working on the last chapter. It’s called
"Chapter 20: Mean Jokes to Play on ‘A’ Students." The book’s
destined to be a sure classic, I can feel it!