Tuesday, January 21, 1997
FAME:
Viewpoint columnist recruits in effort to uncover
hidden conspiracies of ASUCLA
Justin Horey
"Please don’t write a commentary about the bookstore … or
me."
– Marina, UCLA Bookstore Employee (Conspirator?)
Imagine this scene with me for a moment: it’s Friday of first
week, and I am in the
ASUCLA Bookstore purchasing my textbook for abnormal psychology.
I hand my credit card to the lovely young woman behind the counter
and she asks to see my identification. I present my worn UCLA
student I.D. card to the aforementioned cashier, whose name tag
reads, "Marina," and without first inquiring if I am indeed the
same Justin Horey who writes for Viewpoint, she makes of me the
request you see printed above. Such is the life of a celebrity.
I promised to honor Marina’s request, but her paranoia over the
possible mention of the Bookstore in Viewpoint begs the question:
What is going on behind the scenes at the ASUCLA Bookstore? And
what are they trying to hide?
Are Marina and the other employees part of some deeply-seeded
ASUCLA conspiracy or cover-up? I don’t know the answers to those
questions, but I feel it is my duty as a columnist to learn them.
However, I promised Marina I wouldn’t write about the bookstore, so
I have no choice but to leave the exposè for another
columnist.
No, today’s column will not expose the evils obviously present
in the bookstore. Today we will focus in on the inner workings of
another familiar establishment: the Daily Bruin Viewpoint
department. As a matter of fact, in keeping with my personal
commitment to provide some sort of (at least mildly) useful service
to the UCLA community, today I will provide you with my own
personal recipe for a Viewpoint column.
That’s right, folks, it’ll be just like one of those painting
shows on TV, where the artist guides you step by step through your
very own painting, except that we’re not painting and today your
easel is your mind. After reading these simple guidelines, you will
be prepared to write your own ranting, raving, personal tirade for
the pages of our esteemed campus publication.
Now, you may be wondering why I would endanger my own job by
revealing to some 50,000 faculty, staff and students (graduate and
undergraduate) how I do what I do. (You ARE wondering that, aren’t
you? Because I’m going to tell you.) I have four reasons.
First and foremost, it is my job to give the people what they
want, and the people have spoken. What have the people said, you
ask? They have said, "Hey, you’re Jack, the skinny white-ass!" To
which I have replied, "Actually, that was Skinny White Jackass, and
it’s not a moniker I’m particularly attached to, but thanks for
reading." Then the people said, "Whatever, Jack. Thems columns is
funny! How do you think of that stuff?" OK, it wasn’t "the people;"
it was a drunk guy I saw one day lying in front of Kerckhoff. But
if he wants to know the thought processes behind one of my columns,
then that’s what I intend to write about.
Second, I am fully aware that nowhere near 50,000 people read my
column, so I doubt if I’m really endangering anything by revealing
my own personal secrets.
Third, those bastards at The Bruin don’t pay me anyway, so if
you want to do what I do for free, go right ahead and do it. (Note
to Daily Bruin Viewpoint staff: that was not an invitation to fire
me).
Fourth, I can afford to tell all of UCLA how to write a
Viewpoint column, because I don’t actually write my columns myself;
I pay this guy named Lenny a Snickers bar and a bag of Cool Ranch
Doritos to write them for me. (And a fine job he does, too. Thanks,
Lenny!)
So now, without further ado, I present Justin Horey’s Personal
Recipe for a Viewpoint Column, as it was handed down to me through
generations of proud Horeys. Drunk Kerckhoff guy, this one’s for
you.
Step One: Thinking of a topic. Oddly enough, the first step in
writing your very own Viewpoint column is thinking of a topic. This
can be the most frustrating and time consuming step, but it doesn’t
have to be if you have just a little bit of know-how. (And "just a
little bit" happens to be the EXACT amount that I have.)
Try this simple trick for generating a column idea: think of
something that really pisses you off. Got that idea in your head?
Great, you’re done! That wasn’t so bad, was it? Now you’re ready
for step two.
Wait, you say! (Making fine use of an interjection, I might
add.) What if for some reason I’m not angry about something? In
that situation you have two options. You can either ask one of your
roommates to beat the living bejeebers out of you (that should make
you sufficiently angry) and write about your experience, or you can
(gasp!) attempt to write a humor column. (I hear there are supposed
to be one or two humor columnists on the Viewpoint staff, but I
can’t figure out who they are). I’d recommend the roommate beating,
personally.
Step Two: Writing the column. Now that you’ve completed the
first and most difficult step in producing your Viewpoint column,
it’s time to start writing.
At this time I must warn against the use of an outline. Outlines
are not the friendly writing tools we are led to believe they are
in high school; they are in fact evil devices designed to keep a
writer focused on the topic and minimize rambling (a process we in
the business like to call "restricting the creative flow"). So put
that outline away and start typing!
I would recommend beginning your column with a written assault
on a well-known
ASUCLA establishment. Feel free to include anecdotes from your
week, stories from your childhood, what you had for breakfast this
morning, your shoe size and any other information you feel is
totally irrelevant to your column. After you have rambled on for a
page or two about nothing of any particular importance (your column
should be about four pages in length when it’s completed), you’re
ready to get to your topic. (You do remember your topic, don’t you?
It’s that thing that you’re really pissed about that you’re going
to make everybody else pissed about).
If you can’t remember your topic, that’s OK Â people will
probably only be able to read about half of your piece before
lecture begins anyway, and if they have to turn the page to finish
reading your column, then you can just forget about it, buddy!
Step Three: Submitting your column to the Viewpoint editors for
publication. This, in my opinion, is the most exciting step in the
entire three step process. Why? Because after submitting your
column (on paper, disk, or e-mail) to the Viewpoint editors, you
get to hear fun quotes like, "We’ll just pretend like that column
you sent us didn’t exist. Why don’t you try writing a new one?" or,
"I liked it. I really did, but I want to LOVE it. We go to press in
three hours  want to try again?" The fun here is truly
limitless.
So there you have it, Bruins, Justin Horey’s Personal Recipe for
a Viewpoint Column. Underwhelming? Perhaps, but isn’t underwhelming
the reader what Viewpoint is all about?
Happy writing, kids! Next week: Taking your Viewpoint photo.