Tuesday, January 7, 1997
FASHION:
As it protects individual rights, the First gives color to the
trivialBy Rich Birecki
Although I personally have never heard anybody state this, it
seems to me that there is an undercurrent of thought, particularly
throughout the female community, that males don’t really care about
anything other than having sex.
Nothing could be further from the truth! I take great offense to
such remarks because, in addition to caring very deeply about sex,
I happen to be a big fan of the First Amendment.
Why? Because this amendment grants us a certain unalienable
right: the right to go around tipping over sleeping cattle (This
actually happens to be a popular sport in cow intensive states,
such as Nebraska).
As demonstrated above, Americans cherish the right to express
even the stupidest of ideas. More examples include:
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh’s use of the term "Feminazi."
Limbaugh’s apology: "I’m sorry if I happened to offend any
Nazis."
To put it in a nutshell, in America, the land of freedom and
opportunity, the nation where all men are created equal, you have
the right to do or say anything you want, so long as your name
isn’t Howard Stern. Compared to the rest of the world’s population,
Americans simply don’t realize how spoiled they are in terms of
individual freedoms.
But there is a group of concerned citizens who are endeavoring
to make Americans more appreciative of their civil rights. By
slowly chipping away at such individual issues as abortion and flag
burning, the radical right ultimately hopes to mutate our society
to the point where your only remaining Constitutional right would
be to publicly carry a fully loaded semi-automatic weapon.
Now before you start accusing me of being some leftist Commi
pinko, let me just say that I am in full agreement with my fellow
right wingers that certain defiances of public taste cannot be
tolerated, and I’m not referring to flag burning or imported
beer.
No, I speak of a transgression against public decorum so vulgar,
that if I had any common sense, I wouldn’t even point it out. Then
again, nobody has ever made the statement, "Rich, you have a lot of
common sense," which is probably why I feel so strongly about this
issue. As most of you have already guessed that what I am referring
to is plaid.
Plaid has been out of style … hold on while I check the
records … since the beginning of time. In fact, before the
invention of optometrists, plaid was the first primitive test for
color blindness.
Ancient Egyptian #1: "He’s wearing plaid again. It doesn’t take
a genius to realize he’s color blind."
Egyptian #2: "Say, are you one of those new optometrists?"
And the plaid protest finds a great deal of support throughout
the scientific community. According to renowned psychologist Cybil
Gilbertson, "To not avert ones eyes from the unsightful spectacle
of a myriad of criss-crossing stripes, one must not only be
masochistic, but also a complete idiot."
"I may be masochistic, but I’m not stupid" is a common statement
from members of MAP (Masochists Against Plaid). Plaid should be
outlawed once and for all because, let’s face it, plaid is
ugly.
Now many of you are thinking, "Yes Rich, plaid is a tragedy, but
until Congress enacts your bill authorizing the execution of plaid
wearers without trial, this imbecilic form of expression will
remain shielded by the First Amendment." My comrades, I’m not
insinuating we throw the First Amendment out. T hat would be
wasteful. But as long as that infernal document legitimizes plaid,
I say we get it the hell out of America. Let’s send it (Federal
Express) to people who really need it: the Chinese.
I’m sure that some of the more ardent, card carrying members of
the ACLU will drone on and on about what a "desecration" of the
Constitution my idea constitutes; about how important the First
Amendment has been to the development of our nation; about the
rapid regression toward a police state such a measure would cause,
yaddah yaddah yaddah …
Hey, I’m not saying they’re wrong; I’m just saying that living
in a police state would be a small price to pay in exchange for a
plaid-less society.
Right now my girlfriend is asking, "How on earth I could care so
strongly about something?" while she sits beside me (bang the irony
drum), wearing a plaid dress. Hey, I stick up for what’s important
to me. I’m asking her to take it off.