Monday, January 6, 1997
Psychic outlook for 1997 Bruins
PREDICTIONS:
Will the skinny white jackass be chancellor, head USAC?
Well, here we are, Bruins  the first Viewpoint column of
Winter quarter.
Did you miss me? (I missed you.) It’s a great privilege for me
to be able to write this, the first Viewpoint column of 1997,
especially since (as I’m sure you all recall) I was the final
columnist to write in 1996 (Thursday of Dead Week).
Our Viewpoint editors have requested that we as columnists limit
the senseless column-opening ramblings that I feel at least partly
responsible for popularizing last Fall quarter, and I would again
like to set a precedent this quarter by limiting my ramblings.
Having said that, I would be remiss if I began my list of
psychic predictions for UCLA 1997 without first giving a warm
welcome to all of our new friends, the Winter Bruins. Come on, you
know one. Maybe you yourself were one once. Maybe you’re one now.
In any case, welcome. Please allow me to be the first to welcome
you to the little community we call UCLA. I hope you enjoy your
stay.
And now, as promised, Justin Horey’s Psychic Predictions for
UCLA 1997.
JANUARY: A riot breaks out in Westwood Plaza when it becomes
clear that observation of Martin Luther King Jr. Day will prevent
my column from running as scheduled on Monday of third week. I
issue a press release urging the demonstrators to return the head
of the Joe Bruin statue, and Viewpoint (reluctantly) runs a special
1/2 page section entitled "The Best of the Skinny White
Jackass."
FEBRUARY: As news that I am unattached leaks out to the student
body, Viewpoint is overwhelmed by the record number of letters,
faxes and e-mails from female students who propose marriage to me
on Valentine’s Day. I am instructed by Viewpoint editor Geoff
Martin to "find a way to decrease your sex appeal or find another
volunteer position."
MARCH: The UCLA men’s basketball team loses to Pepperdine
University (lead by former Bruin assistant coach Lorenzo Romar) in
the first round of the NCAA tournament, and Steve Lavin is
subsequently fired for being "an all-around lousy excuse for a
coach."
Having been recently fired from Viewpoint for being unable to
lower my aforementioned sex appeal, I am named the next head coach
of the UCLA men’s basketball team.
APRIL: The basketball team refuses to recognize me as coach, and
following a much publicized coup led by second-string point guard
Brandon Loyd, the team chooses Tickle Me Elmo as their new leader.
My presidential campaign is unaffected by the negative press, and I
shrewdly avoid the unemployment line when I am elected USAC
president by "the largest margin since the UCLA-Princeton
game."
MAY: As Charles Young’s last day as chancellor nears, the
university offers me a large undisclosed sum (although the Daily
Bruin reports it to be of "Letterman-esque proportions") to take
over the position. I am officially named the new chancellor on May
29 (my birthday), and I immediately request that I be addressed as
"Chancellor-elect Horey."
JUNE: In my first day as chancellor, I pass a bill that
officially re-names the Towell tent after Steve Lavin. Later that
day, the university announces that the building will be demolished
before the end of the month.
JULY: After serving only days as chancellor, I take off to
vacation in Amsterdam where I hope to see historic sites, including
The Eddie Van Halen Birthplace and Library.
While in the Netherlands I meet a woman claiming to be the real
URSA. We are married that same afternoon.
AUGUST: URSA and I return to the states (and the UCLA campus)
where we purchase matching "His and Hers" Acura Integras. We have
our cars lowered and replace the standard white headlights with
(you guessed it) blue and gold ones. One student remarks that "it’s
about time we got a chancellor who’s so in tune with what students
are into." He is then expelled for ending his sentence with a
preposition.
SEPTEMBER: When news of my marriage to URSA reaches the student
population, the university asks for my resignation, citing "a
conflict of interest." I am, however, able to maintain my position
as USAC president, and having time to focus my energies on USAC, I
organize a wrestling match between the New Joe and the Old Joe
Bruin mascots in Pauley Pavilion for Welcome Week. Many first-year
students are disturbed by the event, and one anonymous student
describes me as "a sick, sick, Old Joe-loving bastard." Undaunted,
Old Joe prevails, and regains his job as UCLA mascot.
As an added bonus, Old Joe is also named the new head coach of
the Bruin football team.
OCTOBER: A media frenzy/controversy explodes when I dress as
Tickle Me Elmo for Halloween and demand that each student "stop by
to give the former chancellor a tickle." Needless to say, this
brings to an end my term as USAC president.
NOVEMBER: Despite the events of the previous months, URSA and I
are elected king and queen of the homecoming court. Viewpoint
pleads for my return, but I laugh, opting instead to take a
position writing for The Turtle. One letter to the editor in The
Bruin reads, "Won’t you come home, Skinny White Jackass?"
DECEMBER: Under the leadership of Old Joe, the Bruin football
team prepares for the Rose Bowl, where more than one drunken fan
notes that "the new UCLA coach is one hairy S.O.B."
Feel free to call me on any of these predictions, but remember,
these predictions do not reflect the predictions of the Daily Bruin
or Chancellor Charles Young. And if you lose money betting on any
of these predictions, I don’t want to hear about it. I just hope
that you all are going to have as exciting a year as I am.