Thursday, December 5, 1996
DATING:
Research reveals how opposite sexes view one anotherThe love
goddess has returned (sarcasm Bruins, sarcasm). I promised Part II
of the Dating series, so here it is. This is where all the juicy
stuff comes in. My study was conducted on Latinos, but as I said
before, these issues regarding dating affect all of us.
It was also a heterosexual sample so I deal solely with
heterosexual issues. Logistical factors, such as a smaller
population and "out" issues, complicate homosexual dating, but I
believe that I deal with topics (communication, dating expectations
and perceptions) that apply there as well.
When I began my study, I hypothesized that Latinos were
reluctant to date one another at UCLA. This was based on personal
experience and conversations with friends and acquaintances, both
male and female.
In discussing dating with friends of other nationalities, I
found that Indian and Jewish Persian women saw the same things
going on, so I knew the issues were not just cultural.
Communication
In my research I found that men find it difficult to tell when a
woman is interested in them romantically. Half of male respondents
said they could not interpret the intentions (flirtation, a date, a
relationship) of women, while women were confident that they were
reading men correctly.
Although women found it easy to interpret intentions, they felt
that it is difficult to know where they stand, when in a
relationship.
Oftentimes, men and women speak different languages and this
leads to conflict. One way to alleviate this situation is to
consult a platonic friend of the opposite sex. Women read other
women very well. "She’s flirting with you. She wants you bad."
Oftentimes guys serve as interpreters as well. "But what does it
mean if he takes me to the movies with his parents?" Communication
problems can be overcome. Follow your instincts, people. Just make
sure he/she is not already enamored.
Through research, I found that guys don’t know how to approach
girls on campus. "Hey, aren’t you that cool Viewpoint writer?"
would work well. But honestly, "Can I borrow your notes? Did you
want to study for our final? Would you like a ride home?" would all
work nicely for both men and women. But don’t assume that such an
offer is automatically a come-on. I do need notes. Go ahead, ask
that attractive person in your discussion or lab for their phone
number.
Just do it before the quarter is over.
Perceptions
Perceptions that we hold of each other also affect dating
relationships. Latinas and Latinos have great conflicts here.
Negative perceptions of each other seemed to be the only things
we could agree on. Latinas view college men as very immature. Both
men and women agreed that Latinos were reluctant to drop a macho
image. In all honesty, immature jerks are never attractive.
The nice guys complain that women always fall for the assholes.
But the assholes are the only ones who approach us. Nice guys
always stand on the sidelines when it’s you that we all want to go
out with.
How to tell if you’re a nice guy or a loser? Ask a female
friend. If they often tell you what a catch you are, then you’re a
nice guy. If you have no female friends, well then you are in the
loser/creep category.
Part of this reluctance to approach women stems from the male
perception that Latinas have high expectations. They’re right. We
do. Latinas reported themselves as being highly selective when
dating.
But it’s not that men don’t meet expectations (I could name a
number meeting my criteria), but that they don’t ask us out, and we
don’t know how to encourage them.
Yeah, I know "It’s the ’90s." But we women have already tried
being the aggressor, only to find out that it turns you off. If you
don’t have balls enough to ask me out then I don’t want to date
you. In reality, guys often feel threatened by women who go after
what they want. Once you know you have us you lose interest, so
we’ve given up on asking you out unless it’s a couples party or a
formal.
Women were viewed as friendly and approachable, although many
men felt that Latinas were stuck-up and conceited within dating
situations. Again this goes back to the fear that they aren’t
meeting our standards. Women viewed men as insecure, and
infuriating for their lack of action. One woman said, "I thought
college guys would have no problem asking girls out. Instead they
do it in the same backwards way they did in high school. I expected
more."
Expectations
In the final analysis, the majority of free answer responses
dealt with dating expectations. As a generation, the rules of
dating have always been lax for us, from "going around" in grade
school, to going Dutch and girls asking guys to the Prom.
But the lack of definitions, allowing for flexibility, adds to
this confusion. A columnist once wrote that sharing Haagen Dazs or
going into Westwood constituted a date. So two people going to the
dry cleaners constitutes a date?
A freshman once hypothesized that "intention" determined a date.
By this definition two people could easily have lunch together, and
one considers it a date while the other considers it lunch.
We have to set-up guidelines. I don’t know what these would be
but here’s some criteria: two-person limit, said "couple" must be
alone, flirtation must occur frequently, they must be away from
home and stay out for a period of at least two hours, the "date"
must include eating and/or possibly attending an event.
There are traditional courtship practices within the Latino
community which many men believe to be expected of them. Although
it would be nice if a guy paid for everything and brought me
flowers, I do not expect this. Neither do most women on this
campus. Going Dutch is a common practice, and a nice time is all
anyone really expects.
Going to a free concert with someone I like would be more fun
than an $80 dinner with a boor or a jerk.
Women respondents (100 percent) defined a date as "getting to
know someone," while only 42 percent of men agreed with this
definition. The majority of female respondents were immigrants and
were more likely to identify with the mainstream view of casual
dating. Males in my study were largely first-generation American
and were more likely to identify with formal courting
practices.
In other words, guys are stressing out about expectations they
believe women hold, which are unfounded. Latinos put pressures upon
themselves believing that we are looking for husbands, when all
anyone would like is a nice time and maybe a boyfriend or a steady
date.
(Beware, because there are some husband and wife seekers out
there.)
Other cultural expectations, such as cultural compatibility,
"down-ness" measurements, and similarities influence dating. One
fourth-generation respondent feared Latinas would not date him
because he doesn’t speak Spanish. (75 percent of Latinas
would.)
While men focused upon cultural expectations, women were
concerned with sexual expectations. A study done in Texas (Rouse
1988) found that Latinas reported "high" sexual pressure from male
partners. This was reflected in my study as well. One woman asked,
"When the sexual aspect of a relationship ends, does the
relationship end also?" Some women felt that men were only
interested in sexual relationships, while men disagreed. Men did
value the sexual aspect of dating more (42 percent referring to it
as "vital" compared to 20 percent of women).
In all, I found that there is a reluctance to date even those
people we are attracted to. As one woman put it "Why will a guy
(Latino) like a girl (Latina), and then do nothing about it?" I
hope after all the information I’ve given you, we can begin to
answer that question. Happy Dating Bruins. Good Luck on Finals.
Almost forgot. I wrote a response to MEChA after their Nov. 18
article published in The Bruin. I was given the option of printing
the response or one of my columns. I wasn’t going to allow them to
deny me a column so I’ll respond here. Thank You for proving more
than I could have with the ways that you judge and categorize
Latinos on this campus.
Your petty accusations illustrated how MEChA’s self-righteous
attitudes continue to divide UCLA Latinos.
In regards to the Raza Youth Conference, Patty R., my co-chair
for 1995 (not ’94) parent conference can take full credit for the
two parents who showed up to see Patty, Patty’s Dad, Patty’s Mom,
Patty’s sister, and Patty’s sister’s boyfriend speak. Insofar as
you accuse me of "not lifting a finger," I’m sure you are talking
about the folder stuffing, two days before the conference that I
was never told about. If you’d like the full response, e-mail me at
nguzman@ucla.edu or at viewpoint@media.asucla.edu.